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Morning Word: New Poll Shows Meteor Crash Outshines Clinton, Trump

Morning WordThursday, June 30, 2016 by Peter St. Cyr
Poll: Some Americans Favor Meteor Crash over Party Candidates 
OK, this is just bizarre, but a new poll shows that 13 percent of likely voters favor an object falling from space and crashing into earth more than electing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump president.

The timing of the poll is perfect, since today is Asteroid Day, according to Space.com

Mum's the Word
Gov. Susana Martinez may be the chairwoman of the Republican Governors Association, but Dan Boyd has learned so far she has no plans to speak at the Republican presidential nominating convention in Cleveland next month. Maybe that shouldn't be a surprise, since Martinez still hasn't endorsed her party's presumptive nominee.

No Access 
Joey Peters reports Martinez administration officials won’t release an itemized accounting of the governor’s contingency fund. They claim it's not subject to open government laws.
The fund is unusual in that, unlike most state government accounts filled with public money, the state Legislature exempts it from required annual audits. But after NM Political Report filed an Inspection of Public Records Act request with the governor’s office this spring for six years worth of expense documents associated with the contingency fund, the office only provided broad summaries of the expenses.
Tracking Campaign Finance Reports 
Speaking of government transparency, New Mexico In Depth is partnering with the New Mexico Foundation for Open Government and planning two seminars on how you can follow the money in this fall’s general election campaigns.

Libertarians Concerned about Johnson's Poll Standing 
New Mexico Political Report’s Andy Lyman says members of the Libertarian Party, including Austin Petersen, who lost his own bid for the group’s presidential nomination in May, are expressing concerns that former Gov. Gary Johnson still hasn’t reached 15 percent in national polls, which he needs to qualify for the presidential debates.
“It’s definitely time to worry because the national election is in November and that’s going to sneak up on us,” Petersen said.

One of Johnson’s mistakes, Petersen said, was trying to appeal to Bernie Sanders’ supporters instead of Republicans who don’t agree with their party’s nominee.

“That in my mind was problematic because what I thought the real movement to tap into was the never-Trumpers who had no option,” Petersen said.
Group Claims BLM Biased  
Environmentalists claim the US Bureau of Land Management “favors oil and gas development over all other uses of public lands and doesn't ensure environmental protections for areas such as those near Chaco Culture National Historic Park.”
The Wilderness Society made the claim in its June 28 report, "No Exit: Fixing the BLM's Indiscriminate Energy Leasing," but oil and gas and agency officials in New Mexico argue that the BLM oversees public lands fairly with adequate consideration for all possible uses.

According to the report, "90 percent of the public lands managed by (the BLM) are open to oil and gas leasing and mineral resource extraction even in areas of little or no potential for developing these resources." That number leads to a broken multiple land use policy by the BLM and an unfair monopoly by the oil and gas industry at the expense of land use considerations such as conservation, according to the report.

New Mexico Oil and Gas Association President Steve Henke was the BLM's Farmington district manager before he joined the oil and gas advocacy group. Henke said the Wilderness Society is choosing to take "a one-sided view" of the BLM's mission without fully considering the actual land uses in place.
Millions for Indian Health Awarded
Health programs serving Native Americans in New Mexico are among dozens of nonprofits that have been awarded more $7.6 million in new federal Indian Health Service grants.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services agency says the grants are meant to make healthcare more accessible to Native Americans living in urban areas — and especially boost services in the areas of mental health, substance abuse treatment, immunizations, and disease prevention.

Cannabis Vote Scheduled
This November, California voters will decide whether to legalize marijuana for adult social use. Time magazine reports if the referendum passes, it would mean one in every six Americans, after a decadeslong war on drugs, would have access to legal pot, including the entire West Coast.
State officials estimate the measure would raise as much as $1 billion per year in revenue and reduce public safety costs by tens of millions.
Meanwhile, patients registered to legally use medical cannabis in New Mexico claim they’re being forced to consider buying their medication on the black market because their cards are expiring faster than the health department can renew them.

Guests on today's KUNM Radio's weekly call-in show, including State Auditor Tim Keller, will discuss the delays and other cannabis-related issues for an hour, starting at 8 am.

Illegal Fireworks Easy to Find and Buy 
Kids love the fireworks that explode hundreds of feet in the air, but it’s illegal to shoot the aerials from private property. Even with the restrictions, it didn’t take a local television station long to find a business selling the illegal stuff.

Witt Picked 
Eric Witt, a staffer in former Gov. Bill Richardson’s administration, will earn $105,000 managing the City and County of Santa Fe’s new joint film office.
County Manager Katherine Miller lauded the city-county collaboration as away to “maximize our limited financial and human resources, particularly in an area we both know is so valuable to our local economy.”

Mayor Javier Gonzales said Wednesday that the film industry is a “hand-in-glove fit” that he believes can bring revenues of some $100 million annually to the city and county.

Morning Word: Senator Raises Privacy Concerns

Morning WordWednesday, June 29, 2016 by Peter St. Cyr
Heinrich Raises Privacy Concerns
Matthew Reichbach reports that US Sen. Martin Heinrich put a hold on the Intelligence Authorization Act over what his office calls a “massive expansion of government surveillance.”

Inmate Lawsuit Settlements Revealed
The firm that had been managing health care services for the New Mexico Corrections Department paid out more than $4.5 million to settle inmate lawsuits since 2007.
Corizon faced more than 150 lawsuits filed by some 200 inmates in the nine years it had the contract, a sharp increase in the rate of inmate filings during the 2004-07 tenure of the previous provider, Wexford Health Sources, which the state fired over concerns about the quality of its medical care.
Former APS Superintendent Found Not Guilty
Yesterday, a jury in Denver found Jason Martinez, a controversial former Albuquerque Public Schools deputy superintendent, not guilty on child sexual assault charges. Martinez resigned after it was discovered he never underwent a background check at APS and left Colorado in violation of his release conditions.

Santa Fe County Budget Approved
Justin Horwath reports, “Santa Fe County commissioners unanimously approved a $338.6 million budget for the upcoming fiscal year at a meeting Tuesday.”
County Manager Katherine Miller told commissioners that the county’s reserves were healthy and would help cushion it against emergencies such as natural disasters, economic downturns or less help from the state, which is going through a budget crunch. She credited the board’s reserve policy, which calls for savings above state requirements, and said that one result has been better ratings from bond agencies.
Opera Has Rich History
Santa Fe Opera hits a big milestone. SFR's John Stege reports it’s turning 60 this year.

Swim, Run, Bike and Fish. Go Outside with SFR
If you’re into the outdoors, you’ll want to check out SFR’s Outdoor Issue this week. Check out some cool place to go play over the 4th of July weekend.

Bear Attack Victim Wants Law Changed
Speaking of the outdoors, a woman runner mauled by a black bear in the Valles Calderas a couple of weeks ago wants to help change the law the forces officials kill to animals who attack people in some situations.

Groups Want Trapping Expansion Haulted
Meanwhile, Deborah Baker reports, “Animal protection groups are suing the state in federal court, trying to block a major expansion of cougar trapping they say would also illegally snag endangered Mexican wolves and jaguars.” 

Rewritten

‘Sixty Meters to Anywhere’ author on how to stop being who you’ve always been, even, or especially, if who you’ve always been has a substance abuse problem

Outdoor GuideTuesday, June 28, 2016 by Elizabeth Miller

“People who have what I have” is as close as Brendan Leonard brushes in the trailer for his latest book, Sixty Meters to Anywhere, to saying out loud the words that sent him scrambling for a way to rebuild his life. But as the images tick by and the narration continues, it becomes clear that people who have what he had have a problem with substance abuse.

That road often isn’t scenic, and the stories written about traveling it frequently focus on its spiraling descents. Leonard doesn’t. He chooses, instead, to lay a little groundwork before quickly moving into the other half of the story. He writes about the slow ascent as he learns to define himself not by what he doesn’t do, which is drink, but by what he does, which is climb and hike.

The book begins on a snowy night in Iowa, when Leonard gets stopped for his second DUI. What unfolds from there is a crisply written and boldly honest retelling of the sharply edged and often lonely moments of recovery and reinvention. As part of abandoning a life of hours spent on the bar stool, he moves to Montana to enroll in a graduate program in journalism. A creative nonfiction professor first said his experiences in jail and rehab were ones worth writing about—a kind of permission granted, he says, to produce some of the essays that now appear in his book, more than a decade later.

"There are things that you can do if you just admit to yourself that you can do them. … It’s just a matter of having the courage to do it."

But Montana, of course, is surrounded by mountains, and those begin to consume more and more of his time.

“At the time, I didn’t really know what I was feeling, or why it was so important,” he tells SFR. “It was like, this is where I feel really good, here in these places where I feel small and where I’m in incredibly beautiful terrain. I think everybody feels that same way in some respects. Whether or not you communicate it, that’s one of the things you like about being outside.”

Among the realizations materializing is that in the West, no one would call these undertakings outdoors “hobbies”; they’re far more essential.

“It becomes this lifestyle, which is a really great thing for somebody like me who didn’t really have an identity, to be able to understand you could just make this the big thing in your life,” he says. “Yeah, you’ve got to go to work and earn money, but after that, you can plunge into the outdoors and all these different methods of travel—hiking, backpacking, peak bagging, mountain biking, ice climbing, rock climbing.”

The way he writes it in Sixty Meters to Anywhere, a reference to a standard length for a climbing rope, is, “I wanted to climb, to get out there and see it all—snow-covered peaks, rivers that cut canyons, the moonscape of the American desert—to bring it into myself and see what it made me.”

For Leonard, it’s actually now become the way he makes a living, as the founder of semi-rad.com, a website about outdoor sports and the people who surrender their lives (and paychecks) to them, and an outdoor sports writer whose work has appeared in Climbing, Adventure Journal, Alpinist, Backpacker, and National Geographic Adventure. His job has now taken him down canyons in rafts and to the tops of peaks on several continents.

He says the greatest compliment he’s received on the book so far, which was released earlier this summer, was from a friend who said it compelled him to think honestly about his own life. That’s the goal, Leonard says.

“I want this out there, and hopefully someone who needs it will find it, and it will change somebody’s life in a small way and allow them to live a better life,” he says. “That’s the point of all storytelling, to me, whether it’s just funny or they really identify with it or they realize they have a substance abuse problem or they have no interest in a substance abuse problem but realize they’re in control of their own life in some other regard and can make that choice.”

The decision to stop drinking may have been one of his toughest, its effects rippling through his family and his friendships. But we all face choices to change, or not. Fourteen years sober, he now jokes about too much coffee, too little meditation and the fellow runners in the park near his house in Denver who refused to shift their route with a trail redesign. Instead, they jump a nearly 2-foot-tall curb and wear down their former path through the grass. Change comes hard, no matter how it arrives.

“You’ve got to realize you’re just telling yourself one story,” he says. “There are things that you can do if you just admit to yourself that you can do them. There aren’t these magic people who are entrepreneurs or who change their life midstream. Everybody can do it. It’s just a matter of having the courage to do it. But we have all sorts of lies we tell ourselves, like ‘Oh I was raised differently,’ or ‘I didn’t grow up doing that,’ or ‘I grew up doing this, so this is the way I do things.’ You have a choice. You don’t have to have high cholesterol just because everyone in your family has high cholesterol. You can change that. That’s not this code that’s written that you can’t rewrite in this life.”



The Outdoor Issue

FeaturesWednesday, June 29, 2016 by SFR

We’re no strangers to the great outdoors in New Mexico. As home to the nation’s first wilderness area, we’ve long been aware that the blank places on the map can be some of our most valuable. And reasons to get out and see what the map doesn’t show you abound. We open this special Outdoor Issue with one answer to why a person might want to go play outdoors: Because it could change, or save, your life. OK, so you’d like to go, but where? We’ve got some ideas for that, too. And a surefire way to get and stay committed is to sign yourself up for something that’s going to test your limits. So try a triathlon, or Santa Fe’s new ultramarathon, which comes in sizes to fit most. Curious about how our trails system and our raft guides are doing? We’ve got those answers, too. However you choose to get out there to recreate and appreciate our wild lands, we just hope you do.




MetroGlyphs

06.29.16

MetroGlyphsWednesday, June 29, 2016 by SFR
Russ Thornton is a Santa Fe local who has replaced his first passion, cooking, with a new love interest, the weekly SFR comic he's created called MetroGlyphs. Reach him at santafechef@hotmail.com

7 Days

06.29.16

7 DaysWednesday, June 29, 2016 by SFR
1

BRITS VOTE TO BREXIT

And people all over America pretend like they understand what that means.

2

STATE COPS BEGIN 100 DAYS AND NIGHTS OF SUMMER CHECKPOINTS

Day drinking and night drinking are both bad ideas when coupled with driving.

3

CITY PLANS TO HANG UP BANNERS TO ‘BEAUTIFY’ CERRILLOS ROAD/ ST. FRANCIS

Because the upcoming underpass construction is not likely to be pretty.

4

CAPITOL HILL SIT-IN TOTALLY FIXES AMERICA’S GUN CONTROL ISSUES FOREVER AND EVER

Thank you SO much, elected officials!

5

NO MORE 90-DAY EMERGENCY HIRE POSITIONS FOR THE CITY OF SANTA FE

We’ll probably still have plenty of fireworks though, so don’t freak out.

6

USA TODAY FALSELY REPORTS CORMAC McCARTHY’S DEATH

What is truth but death anyway? He scowled. Sweat dripped off his chin.

7

FREE SUNDAYS AT MUSEUMS CUT TO ONCE A MONTH

Gotta make up for the corporate tax breaks somehow.


Free State of Jones Review: Civil Bore

MehWednesday, June 29, 2016 by Alex De Vore

There’s just something about war movies that draw us in as audiences. Oh sure, there’s the history and the shaping of nations and all that, but there’s also much to be said for the stark realism of a well-done battle scene or the chance to get a view of the terrifying conditions therein. Just look at Saving Private Ryan or A Very Long Engagement, and you know what we mean. This is the premise that draws us into the new Civil War drama, Free State of Jones, but the war itself winds up playing more of a backdrop to the politically charged goings-on which, coupled with some degree of revisionist history, ultimately leaves the new film from director Gary Ross (he wrote Big with Tom Hanks and probably other movies) feeling far too drawn out.

Confederate soldier Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey) is sick and tired of fighting a losing battle for wealthy landowners, and when a young family member is conscripted and then killed right before his eyes, he just sort of leaves. Like, seriously—he just walks away and heads home to Jones County, Mississippi, and his wife Serena (The Americans’ Keri Russell). She’s pretty bummed out by his hero complex, though, and after watching him stand up to the Confederate envoy that comes to tax local farms (by taking all of their crops and livestock) for the bazillionth time, she leaves him. This somehow lands him in a nearby swamp with a small group of runaway slaves, and together they become a sort of safe haven for deserters and runaways.

Naturally, this doesn’t much impress the nearby general and his cronies, and so a sort of cat-and-mouse game plays out over the next five years. In this time, we see Knight’s Robin Hood-esque antics withstand everything from the KKK to the changing of Mississippi law to counteract emancipation and so on. Knight develops an even stronger sense of what’s right, becomes buddies with the slaves, fights for the poor and downtrodden and falls for a beautiful young slave named Rachel (Gugu Mbatha-Raw of Jupiter Ascending). The whole thing is reportedly based on actual events, but once Jones starts to toggle between the events of the 1860s and a descendent of Knight’s struggles with outdated and racist marriage laws 85 years in the future, it becomes hard to continue paying attention. If the goal here was to prove to us that Southern white people were just the worst in those days, we didn’t need a whole other subplot going down to prove it—everyone already knows! This adds painfully unnecessary length and overshadows more important story elements such as Knight’s buddy Moses (played excellently by Benjamin Button’s Mahershala Ali) working to provide black people and former slaves with the power to vote.

The whole thing smacks of the unfortunate white savior trope in film, and even if these were actual events, it diminishes the role that black people had in their own storyline during and after the Civil War. McConaughey continues his reign of being a super-intense dude, but if he’s not careful, he’ll have used up all of his True Detective/Dallas Buyer’s Club goodwill before he knows it.

It is conceivable that future high school history classes will be shown this film, but it’s just as possible it will be forgotten entirely due to its extra (read, boring) padding. It’s a damn shame they didn’t do better, too; Civil War films don’t exactly grow on trees, and we had high hopes.



Free State of Jones
Directed by Gary Ross
With McConnaughey, Mbatha-Raw, Ali and Russel
Violet Crown, DeVArgas, REgal 14
R, 139 min.


Last Cab to Darwin Review

OkWednesday, June 29, 2016 by Julie Ann Grimm

With a few notable exceptions, our modern culture does a piss-poor job of confronting mortality. We’re bad at dealing with our own impending death, and we’re worse when the death of a loved one is looming. Medical advances mean we try to keep ourselves (and each other) alive as long as possible, even if it involves long stretches bedridden in hospitals with weird machines keeping the Grim Reaper at bay. Despite that, we can grasp the concept that letting a loved one die, or helping him, is OK—as long as that loved one is a dog or cat or horse.

According to Last Cab to Darwin, it’s not just America where we suck at this. People in Australia are also bad at dying. Rex (Michael Caton) knew all that when he realized he had stomach cancer. And when a surgery that leaves a foot-long scar across his belly doesn’t get it all, he’s not interested in the hospital. What does pique his interest is a doctor on the other side of the continent who’s trying to establish the country’s test case on euthanasia. That leaves much of Last Cab to pass by as a kind of morbid road-trip flick, with Rex picking up a random, handsome aboriginal companion named Tilli, then Tilli (Mark Coles Smith) picking up a random blonde barkeep from London, who happens to be a nurse on hiatus from her real job (Emma Hamilton) and can help Rex stay alive long enough to get permission to kill himself using a medical device rigged with morphine. While these are the kind of relationships that really only happen on TV, Rex has meanwhile left a real relationship in the dust. This plotline, greased by the charming rough edges on Ningali Lawford-Wolf as Polly, explores not only the deep racial divide between white Aussies and Australia’s Indigenous people, but also how abruptly abandoning those who really know and love you isn’t any better of a way to die than the aforementioned beeping hospital scenario. And you don’t have to drive across the bush to figure out how it ends.



Last Cab to Darwin
123 min.,
NR,
The Screen


Coffee Pops to the Rescue!

Upgrade your caffeine delivery mechanism

Food WritingWednesday, June 29, 2016 by Gwyneth Doland

There have been so many stories in here about drinks lately that you guys probably think SFR is on a liquid diet. Not true! We are voracious eaters. But in the summer, we crave cold drinks, and iced coffee becomes much more appealing than a hot cup.

The problem with iced coffee, of course, is dilution. You pour coffee over ice cubes, and it becomes a watery mess. Hence, coffee ice cubes. You know, you take the bottom of today’s pot and pour it into ice cube trays to chill tomorrow’s drinks? That’s genius, for sure.

So is cold brew. You put ground coffee and cold water in a pitcher (fitted with a mesh filter if you have one) and let it rest overnight. The result is a smooth, full-flavored coffee that you can either gently reheat or serve cold.

Here’s where trouble comes in: If you want to have iced coffee, why not make the cold brew stronger, more concentrated, so that when it melts the ice cubes, you get a coffee equilibrium? But what really happens is that you end up drinking chilled jet fuel—because meh, who needs ice cubes, I’m so tired this morning—and then you’re wide-eyed, panting and shaking so hard that you can’t type at your desk, and people around you begin to strongly suspect that you have a methamphetamine problem.

Long story short, this is how we arrive at coffee popsicles: single-serving icebergs of coffee with just enough flavor to view them as a treat and not as a life-sustaining bodily fluid.

I picked up a mocha mint popsicle after breakfast one morning, and when it started to melt too fast, I dumped it into my coffee, and it was awesome. I could do that every day.

Note that these are strictly a morning or midday treat for most people, but you can certainly use decaf to make popsicles that are fun and tasty but without the kick. You can use cold brew, chilled espresso, leftover cold coffee or whatever you’re in love with right now. And you get to taste the mixture before you freeze it, so you know what you’re getting.

You can buy popsicle molds at the grocery store, cookware shops or big box stores. Look for molds that have a drip-catching feature. Or you could do it the old-fashioned way: put popsicle sticks in little Dixie cups and fill them up. Whatever you choose, the volume will vary.

Horchata Pops

This recipe calls for Rice Dream Horchata because that’s what I stumbled onto at the store, and it is super easy. It makes an icy pop, though. If you want a creamier pop, you can substitute cream, vanilla, cinnamon and sugar to taste.

Makes 4 (4-ounce) pops

  • 1¼ cups strong coffee, cold
  • ½ cup Rice Dream Horchata (or another horchata)

Pour the mixture into popsicle molds and freeze 4 hours or overnight.

Mint Mocha Pops

The easiest way to flavor these is with peppermint extract, which you can find at the grocery store. You can also pour hot milk over fresh mint leaves and let it sit for a while. Or you can make a simple syrup with fresh mint and use it to sweeten this (and iced tea, lemonade, mojitos etc.).

Makes 4 (4-ounce) pops

  • ¼ cup cocoa powder or shaved chocolate
  • ¼ cup cream, milk, rice milk, whatever
  • 1½ cups strong coffee, cold or at room temp
  • sweetener, to taste
  • 1 dash peppermint extract

Put the chocolate in a mug, add the milk and stir to combine as well as you can. Heat it in a double boiler or microwave in 30-second increments until the chocolate shavings melt or the cocoa melds with the milk. Whisk to combine.

Stir in the coffee and sweeten to taste.

Add the tiniest amount of peppermint extract you can possibly manage. Taste, then add more if necessary. It’s incredibly powerful.

Pour the mixture into popsicle molds and freeze 4 hours or overnight.

White Russian Pops

Because why not, OK? You either get a little warm and fuzzy at breakfast or have a little post-prandial perk-up. Kahlua is good, Bailey’s is good, chocolate liqueur is good, a little Irish whiskey would be fine. Use what you have on the bar.

Makes 4 (4-ounce) pops

  • ¾ cup very strong coffee, cold
  • ¾ cup milk, cream, whatever
  • ¼ cup Kahlua
  • sweetener, to taste

Mix all ingredients together until the sweetener is completely dissolved.

Pour the mixture into popsicle molds and freeze 4 hours or overnight.


Savage Love

Douche Moves

Savage LoveWednesday, June 29, 2016 by Dan Savage

Is it a super douchey move to pretend to be a lesbian to avoid unwanted male attention? I’m a straight single woman in my mid-thirties and a very plausible lesbian in terms of sartorial stereotypes. Occasionally a guy will hit on me in an awkward or creepy way and I’ll trot out a line about “not being into men.” Most recently I used this pose when a courier broke down in my driveway and I invited him in for a glass of water while he waited for the tow truck. It was really uncomfortable and a little threatening when—after establishing that I lived alone—he asked me out. I guess I use this as an excuse so as not to hurt their feelings, but also to shut the conversation down as quickly as possible if I’m feeling vulnerable.

Is this a harmless white lie, or a major cop-out that would offend actual lesbians? Can you suggest some better strategies for when you’re feeling cornered by a dude you’re not interested in?

-Lady’s Entirely Zany Identity Enquiry

“I’m not offended by this,” said someone I thought was an actual lesbian.

I shared your question with this person—a woman I thought was an actual lesbian—because I wasn’t offended by it either, but wanted to check with an actual lesbian just to be safe. Turns out my friend doesn’t identify as a lesbian, but as a woman-who-loves-women-but-does-not-identify-as-a-lesbian-because-she-sometimes-finds-the-odd-dude-hot. So for the record: my friend is speaking for the WWLWBDNIAALBSSFTODH community here—which often intersects/sexts with the lesbian community—and not the lesbian community.

“But even though I’m not offended by it, I have to say I’ve found the ‘I’m into women’ line to be totally ineffective,” said my not-a-lesbian friend. “The creeps I’ve used it on get even more riled up after hearing that line. Sometimes I check out and start ignoring these creeps as if they’re wallpaper, but that can rile them up too. Same with a polite ‘I’m not interested.’ The only success I’ve had with warding off creeps is by actually yelling at them, asking them if they’d like to be treated the way they’re treating me, and if their mothers, sisters, et cetera, would appreciate that treatment.”

My not-a-lesbian friend—who, as it turns out, identifies more strongly with the term “bisexual” than she does WWLWBDNIAALBSSFTODH—has also had some luck with the lose-your-shit strategy (e.g., screaming, yelling, and waving your arms around like a crazy person).

“You kind of have to treat these people like bears at a campsite,” said my not-a-lesbian friend. “You have to make yourself big and loud and scary so they don’t get closer. Because they will get closer.”


I have a difficult question. A dear young friend has recently started being a stripper for work. I won’t lie: it tears me up. All I feel is sadness and worry—such a nice soul for what I feel is a not-so-nice environment. I really hope I’m wrong. Is there any way in which this can be okay?

My thoughts are that no matter how strong a woman is, no one can forget what they see or have to deal with. I worry for the sake of a nice person getting her ass handed to her too often and potentially breaking beyond repair. My gut emotion is that it doesn’t matter how well you handle these situations—what matters is the fact that you see too much ugliness, too often, and get to a point where you forget that there are actually nice humans out there.

I guess my question is: How well can anyone handle this?

-My Endangered Lady

I suspect she’s handling it better than you are, MEL. And I would recommend minding your own business, backing the fuck off, and Googling “white knight syndrome.” But if your conscience requires you to say something, say something that opens up a conversation, rather than something so larded with shame, fear, and judgment that it shuts the conversation down. Instead of saying something like “Oh my God! What were you thinking?! You’ll be shredded emotionally and sexually! You could break beyond repair!”, try something like, “Stripping isn’t something I would feel comfortable doing myself. But I’m your friend, and if you need to talk with someone about your new job—if you need to decompress or vent—I’m here for you.”


I’ve been lying to myself. I told myself that stability and friendship were more important to me than sex. I’ve been with my husband for twelve years, and we’ve been married for five of those. We were best friends, and I was already in love before we started dating and before we ever had sex. I should have known in the beginning that we weren’t sexually compatible, but I chose to ignore it (or I chose stability and friendship). I chose my best friend, and have been suffering ever since.

Luckily, I listen to your advice on a regular basis, and I’ve started having more open conversations about my feelings and my wants and needs. About a year ago, my husband and I decided to open our relationship. This was all my idea, and I’m not sure he’s fully into it. We agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and a month ago we finally acted on it. I met someone in an open relationship and had sex with them. It was amazing—everything about it. In the end, I didn’t feel guilty, but I did want to tell my husband. I still feel the need to get his approval, but I also know that he doesn’t want to hear it. If he gave me the go-ahead, even though everything was my idea, should I feel guilty, or just happy for finally getting what I needed from someone? Are there baby steps I can take to tell my husband these things, or do I just keep them to myself? I feel like this is saving our marriage, but society probably just looks at me like a cheating whore.

-Feelings Are Insanely, Terribly Hard For Unsure Lovers

You have your husband’s approval to do what you did, but his approval was contingent upon you not telling him what you did. Honor the commitment you made to your husband, FAITHFUL, by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll doubtless have conversations in the future about your relationship, and about monogamy, and you can ask him if he wants to stick with “don’t ask, don’t tell.” If he says yes, continue to keep your mouth shut.


I’m a (mostly) straight guy in his mid-twenties. For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved wearing women’s lingerie. It turns me on, but it also makes me feel comfortable. I’ve never worn women’s clothing in public, but I’ve recently been wearing it more and more around my house. It just feels right! Side note: I’ve also recently been obsessed with being pegged by my female partner, and I love the reversal of roles. Would I be considered genderqueer, genderfluid, or what? And would I be considered part of the LGBT community?

-Frequently Excited Miss

Genderqueer and genderfluid aren’t kinks, FEM, they’re identities. And I don’t know what you mean by that parenthetical “mostly” you dropped in there before “straight.” If it means you’re attracted to dudes—regardless of whether you’ve ever acted on that attraction—you would indeed be considered part of the LGBT community, under the “B” designation. But if all you meant was, “My cock gets hard when I wear panties and think about getting my ass pegged by my girlfriend,” then you’re just another kinky straight guy.



On the Lovecast, dating historian Moira Weigel. savagelovecast.com

mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter


Morning Word: New Poll Shows Meteor Crash Outshines Clinton, Trump
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