The Story Thus Far
Stark Karate Kid’d her way to a good old-fashioned corpse-washin’ inside the
House of Black and White, but not without getting slapped in her face first.
Brienne related how she was constantly called ugly as a child. Cersei’s son
banged his new wife while Cersei herself felt old and weird but still learned from
the High Sparrow that “lancing a boil is never pleasant.” Sansa was thrown into
an arranged-marriage situation with some guy named Ramsay Bolton, Jon Snow
chopped off a dude’s head (who I’ve since learned killed a baby at some point,
so the decapitation is OK) and Daenerys didn’t do a goddamn thing. Oh, and
Tyrion got kidnapped by, uh…some guy to be taken to uh…someplace. The opening
credits were super-long.
wonders how much of a bummer it must be to be thrown onto a boat immediately
after crossing the Narrow Sea, but this is what happens to Tyrion. He doesn’t
even try to scream. Meanwhile, Jamie Lannister and Baron Chinstrap talk about
fighting and fucking and fucking and fighting. There’s apparently “nothing like
a fuck-mad Dornish girl” for Baron Chinstrap, and this could be why he’s
psyched to be hanging with Jamie Lannister and sailing around the islands.
Jamie doesn’t want to start a war, though how that might come to pass isn’t
clear. What we do know is that someone killed Jamie’s dad. Was that Tyrion? I
think it was.
is coming again for Cersei ’cause the Iron Bank (whatever that is) is calling
in its debts. The Royal Coin Master is like, “Blah blah blah,” and Cersei is
like, “If you aren’t going to grow any hair, you could at least go with the
golden knight to the town where the bank has its headquarters.” He leaves, and
it seems like Cersei has sent him away so the council of dudes who work for her
is disbanded, and she can get away with meeting the High Sparrow. Which she
does. He doesn’t like wine, but he likes the sound of this holy army Cersei is
cooking up. They both know how the world works, which is to say that she has
rich guilt, and this dude might be sick of hanging on the streets.
a weird group of cultists with sun symbols carved into their foreheads bust up
the streets and stab fools in brothels in some town. No one is safe from their
reign of terror—even practicing knights—but one thing is sure, and that’s these
dudes are way too into God (or gods or whoever it is they worship).
honeymoon is over for Margaery and the new boy king, as it would seem her
brother is in jail and she wants him out, and the king just wants to eat his
damn cereal. She is pretty much never going to give him any again unless he
lets her brother out, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles when you’re the king
and when your mom gives a holy army to the leader of hobos. The king learns
that he too has an army and can have people killed. But he doesn’t. He probably
wishes he had, because he can’t get his brother-in-law out, and his wife snips
and snarks at him about how he’s the king, but he’s weak.
at the Wall, Stannis “No Nickname” Baratheon watches his homies practice their
fighting skills, and all kinds of women whose names are not mentioned ask him
irritating questions and try to get him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. They
attempt to sell him on the value of faith, but given how everyone is usually up
to no good, they’re probably just biding their time. Jon Snow has to deal with
the paperwork surrounding new recruits when he’d probably rather be out
choppin’ heads. Some dude who murdered Snow’s brother is in a position to help,
but it doesn’t make him happy. He’ll probably recruit him anyway, since that
would be more dramatic.
lady appears and is like, “If you kill dudes, you can feel my heartbeat and my
naked boobs.” Snow is mesmerized at first but tries his hardest to be too
strong for normal boobs. He would need super boobs to make him give up on the
dead girl he says he’s in love with. Seems like fly girls are in short supply
at the Wall, and Snow might want to, like, give love a chance. Or at least
listen to the rhythm of his boner. But NO! He swore a vow. Loser.
has a whole mess of paperwork, too, which is good news because his daughter and
her half-snake face is asking questions about his level of shame in not having
a son. He specializes in baffling, long-winded answers to simple,
straightforward questions, so instead of being like, “Yup,” he relates a story
about wooden dolls and telling dudes to go to hell. He doesn’t really answer
her question, he just tells her that he could’ve sent her far away when she was
a baby, but he didn’t.
in the candlelit crypt of ancient statues, Baelish and Sansa reminisce about
the past and check out the fine marble work. Apparently, a prince from years
ago kidnapped and raped Sansa’s aunt, and tens of thousands of people died
because of it somehow. They talk about towns and politics and other
expositional things that involve the exchange of information that seems more
for our benefit than theirs. Sansa asks dumb questions to which Baelish has all
the answers. He gives her a lesson in how women can turn dudes into idiots and then
kisses her while we are left to wonder why she wants to make out with a guy who
owns a bunch of brothels.
rejoin Jamie and Baron Chinstrap in a rowboat and—holy shit, does that dude
have a wooden hand?! He does! Snakes are killed and eaten, gloves are used to
hide the lack of hand, methods of dying are discussed (boring works for
Chinstrap) and long walks are taken. It would seem that people hate the
Lannisters around here, so when the weird sort of Persian guys appear, they’re
both pretty nervous. The guys who live here have no sense of humor, and that’s
how they wind up with a dagger in the throat. Jamie is a shit fighter, so it’s
pretty lucky the guy trying to kill him gets his sword stuck in his wooden
other lady (who I’m pretty sure is the one who was married to the king of the
Persia-like place) and her daughters, meanwhile, have kidnapped the captain who
sailed Jamie and his buddy to Dorne. They’ve buried this poor bastard up to his
neck and put scorpions on his face and are, like, whipping him in the nose and
stuff. One of them makes a pointless speech about weapons and then spears the
guy in the face. Burn, guy.
find Tyrion again, who points out that the dude who kidnapped him to take him
to see the Khaleesi is an idiot, because he was going to visit Daenerys anyway.
Tyrion plants the seeds of doubt in the guy’s head, and it turns out the guy
pissed off Daenerys and wants to be her friend again by bringing her Peter
Dinklage. This kind of pisses the guy off, so he slaps Tyrion in the face, and
this somehow knocks him out.
jump back to Daenerys’ hood, where some dude with a name I probably couldn’t
spell right and actually just forgot while I was typing tries to point out to
the queen that since she freed all the slaves, the city needs tradition to
distract everyone from a billion years of slave-driven resentment. Down in the
city itself, those Sons of the Harpy jerks (who wear the gold masks) take to
the streets and are slashin’ any throats they can find. The guards suck at
fighting and all get killed pretty quick, but Ser Barista or Barrister or
whatever the old guy who hangs around Daenerys is called shows up to take a few
out, despite his oldness. He gets stabbed real good, which maybe is supposed to
be intense, but he’s old, so who cares?
The Bottom Line
are pretty much no answers given to burning questions. For example, what’s up
with Arya? Or why do those Sons of the Harpy guys have to kill shop owners for
no good reason? It sucks that the old guy who is Daenerys’ bodyguard (maybe)
might be dead, but once again, GoT is
all about how people do terrible things to each other, so maybe he should have
seen it coming. It is irritating that every episode brings a plot thread to
light, only to ignore it the following week. Also irritating is that we
literally get these 3-minute windows into everybody’s travels and escapades. It
makes the overarching plot slog on at an unbearable pace.
nakedness, more violence per square inch than previous episodes this season.
we move these stories the fuck along, please? Who cares about that guy who got
stabbed? You know the one. When are they gonna get back to the fucking dragons?
Goddamn, this was a boring episode minus the last 2 minutes and all the
Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights on HBO. GIFs via giphy.com