There are so many songs in the world. Seriously, just think about it for a second. Are you thinking about it? Good. Anyway, like I was saying—there are so many songs out there and almost as many topics on which to write about (even though most songs are about being sad and that one girl or guy who bummed whomever out). As such, it’s not entirely surprising that there are even songs about food. In honor of our Restaurant Guide’s release, here’s a list of the best damn songs about food!
Descendents: “I Like Food”
Usually Milo Aukerman and crew write tunes about how they hate jocks, how their parents are jerks or how Milo’s got all the fish he needs on the deck of his boat. For this little ditty that clocks in at a mere 17 seconds, however, the seminal pop-punk band lets us know that they not only like food, but that food is good. You might be thinking, “Duh!” right about now, but you’ve gotta hand it to them…it’s certainly succinct. Plus, this band is amazing, so just deal with it.
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: “The Candy Man”
Technically, I suppose this is a song about a man, but since it hits at a part during the movie when we’re feeling sympathy hunger for Charlie Bucket and his teetotaling, bed-sharing, super-weird family of poor folk, it’s probably safe to assume that most people are fixated on candy and the eating of candy. Oh sure, the guy who works at the candy store looks like a way more likely suspect for child molestation than that dude Slughorn, but as we all learned in our youth, you should totally trust anyone who is willing to hand out candy.
“Pork and Beans”
Weezer’s second self-titled release (known to us fans as The Red Album) came late in their career, but was kind of a return to their roots. Most of the songs sounded like the Weezer we knew and loved when The Blue Album was released oh-so-many years ago. “Pork and Beans” in particular sounded like old-school Rivers Cuomo even if it was a tad goofy and the thought of eating canned pork and beans makes some of us feel sick. Despite that, it’s a catchy-ass song that made some of us think Weezer post-Matt Sharp might actually be worth listening to. We were wrong, but it’s still a better song than “Hash Pipe,” which incidentally, is the only means through which I might entertain eating the aforementioned pork and beans.
Don McLean: “American Pie”
Before you write letters that say, “Actually, idiot, this song is about Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper and what it was like to be teenager way back when,” I should mention that I know what this song is about. That said, it still kind of makes a guy feel like some damn pie. McLean was a brilliant lyricist, make no mistake, and the intense subject matter doesn’t change the fact that adding a line like, “Helter-skelter in a summer swelter/it’s easier to bake with the butter melted,” wouldn’t have improved an otherwise excellent tune. Anyway, the real Don McLean jam is “Vincent,” but van Gogh wasn’t really much of a food guy unless we imagine what was going on outside the frame of “Café Terrace at Night” or…wait a second…“The Potato Eaters” is about food. Touché, you one-eared bastard. How did I get here?
Jimmy Buffett: “Cheeseburger in Paradise”
Actually, fuck this song and fuck Jimmy Buffett.
Ween: “Pollo Asado”
Legend has it that Pizza Hut advanced Ween a whole mess of money to pen a song about their stuffed-crust pizza, and Ween returned to the corporate pizza giants with an utterly unusable and mind-bogglingly explicit song called “Where’d the Cheese Go?” Now, as awesome as that is, it’s slightly less weird than this “song” about a guy in a drive-thru having a pretty surreal experience. Oh, Ween…you guys are great.