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blue-corn-breaking-bad
Breaking Bad is about to break down for good.
COURTESY AMC/SONY PICTURES TELEVISION

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Crystal Blue Persuasion…

September 10, 2013, 5:00 am
By Robert Basler

In just a couple of weeks, it’s the end of the trail for Breaking Bad, the TV show that put Albuquerque on the map, but not in a good way.

The program sort of did for Albuquerque what the Black Hole did for Calcutta. Watch a few episodes, and you could conclude that all there is to do in Albuquerque is make drugs, sell drugs, use drugs and eat fried chicken.

Everybody I know is debating what will happen to main character Walter White, a high school teacher turned crystal meth kingpin. There’s nobody on the show who doesn’t have good reason to kill the butthead. But who actually gets to do it?

Loyal fans—including me—are expecting one hell of an ending, like they wanted for The Sopranos but never got.

Anyway, to avoid another letdown like that, I’m offering Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan various scenarios for the final episode. All of my ideas here are free, except for the last one, which is way too good to give away.

I encourage you readers to add your own ideas in the comments section at SFReporter.com. I’m pretty sure Vince reads my column, so this could be your big break.

My first finale idea is a one-hour musical episode, entitled “Don’t Meth with Albuquerque!”

That’s right, it’s Breaking Bad meets Glee. Fans can sing along with tunes such as “Gustavo Fring, the Chicken King,” “Workin’ at the Car Wash,” “Time to be Frank With Hank,” and “Bewitched, Bothered and Beheaded.”

Ah.  You don’t like musicals? Fine. What about instead of somebody killing Walt, everybody kills him? It’s Breaking Bad meets Murder on the Orient Express. Sort of like an intervention, only all the guests, including Walt’s baby, open fire.

Okay, I’m spit-balling here now. Walt and Jesse are cooking meth in their underground lab all day, and when they unlock the door and go out, zombies have taken over Albuquerque!

No, wait. I’ve got it. Everybody loves a sitcom. Skyler and Marie decide to start a pizza business, and they sneak in to use the giant cooker in Walt’s meth lab.

Naturally, the ditzy wives add too much yeast, and the next thing you know, 200 pounds of crystal meth is ruined, so they’re stuffing it in their mouths as fast as they can, to hide the evidence.

The cooker explodes as Walt walks in, and as he wipes tomato sauce off his face, he rolls his eyes and says, “This is gonna cost me some dough!” Cue the laugh track.

But I’ve saved my very best suggestion for last.  As I mentioned earlier, if they use this next one, they’re going to have to pay through the eyeballs.

Here’s my idea. Walt does get killed, but not by his partner in crime or his wife or his brother-in-law or his son or his baby.

Instead, he is whacked by…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…Dexter Morgan, the serial-killing psychopath whose own long-running Showtime series ends just one week before the Breaking Bad finale!

Check it out. Having already butchered most of the Miami populace and now unemployed, Dexter heads to Santa Fe for a long-overdue vacation. There, he reads in SFR about this Albuquerque crystal meth crime king who deserves to be taken down.

I mean, how hard is it for Dexter to buy some good knives at one of Santa Fe’s cooking schools? One thing leads to another, and in the last scene we see Walt wrapped in cellophane and strapped to Dexter’s table. The blade slowly rises, and…

If that isn’t great television, then I sure don’t know what is. 


Robert Basler worked for Reuters in the US and Asia as an editor, reporter, manager and blogger. He now lives in Santa Fe with his wife, and way too many rescued dogs and cats. Blue Corn appears twice a month. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com

 

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