Your recent series of covers have really offended me so I’ve come up with a list of 25 things that should never be on the front of your magazine or newspaper (which is it again?). Please do not use the following even in jest or what you mouth breathers cowardly refer to as “irony”:
1. Religious images (even from the crazy and wrong religions that the real God hates).
4. Children with alcohol or cigarettes or whatever drug of the day you want to promote.
6. Dogs in party hats. Cats are ok because they were worshipped as idols.
7. Weapons unless you are promoting the right to bear arms because that’s in the declaration of independence.
8. Bad reviews of restaurants owned by people I know even if they get written up.
9. The governor in party hats or with alcohol. She can have a gun for protection or hunting or whatever.
10. The governor juggling children or doing shots of tequila.
11. Do what you want with your president. I don’t care.
12. Schools because that’s where hope lives.
13. Healthy diets—no one wants to read that shit.
14. Global warming unless it’s an issue focused on fiction.
15. Gays even if they’re not kissing.
16. Lesbians (though my husband would approve).
17. Whatever it is when a guy wants to be a gal and the opposite.
18. Anyone with unsightly problems like dwarfism or club feet or goth teens.
21. Words that rhyme with rape (I hate those for some reason).
22. Your hero, Satan.
23. Your diet, shitburgers.
24. Your soul, decaying.
25. Your magazine or newspaper which is dying like you.