--2 Letter America: Under Your Pillow: Notes from the Drunken Tooth Fairy
         
Dec. 21, 2014

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Letter America: Under Your Pillow: Notes from the Drunken Tooth Fairy

March 4, 2013, 1:00 am
By Robert Wilder

Dear Louise,

I was going to leave you a brand new five-dollar bill since it’s your first tooth and all, but they were having a sale on Four Loko and I gotta be at this all night.

My bad,

The Tooth Fairy

 

Ron,

If anyone asks, tell them the button has magical powers and that’s why the Tooth Fairy gaves it to you. It’s a better story than how I came upon it, I’ll tell you what. 

TF

PS Here’s a hint: hobo battle!

 

Dear Jimmy,

I took your canine and put that shit in my glass pipe and smoked it. You better lay off the frozen lemonade, yo.

Harsh!

Love and all that dust,

The T to the F

 

Salsa, I mean Sally,

Your deposit ain’t worth trading for even a bottle cap. That toof is damn nasty. Had you taint never heard of no dentist?

Terrible things happen in clouds,

The Tooth Fairy

 

Stevie,

When your mom asks, tell her it was a five layer burrito and some cheap Trader Joe’s cabernet. She’ll know how to get the stains out of your comforter (I hope).

Congrats on your first incisor! Enjoy the car wash coupons!

T. Fairy

 

Dear Cherry, I mean Cheryl,

Dude! You snore louder than a jackhammer in a thunderstorm. How old are you? 7? You may want to get that checked out if you ever want to keep a boyfriend.

Or girlfriend.

Or both.

Tooth Fairy is progressive and polyamorous! (Ask your moms).

Just sayin’,

You Know Who

 

Dear Sequoia,

Tell your parents that making their own toothpaste is straight up bullshit. Your mouth looks like the inside of a sewer catfish (Oh, I know. I’m the Tooth Fairy, remember? I can fly.). Tell them just to buy plain old Crest or, if they have to act all better than the retarnations with the ATVs next door, Tom’s. Don’t go any lower than Tom’s. Ok? We cool?

Can I just call you Steve? It’s so much easier.

Got your back and your teeth,

T-Fairizzle

 

 

Hey Timmy!

Look around. The cat I left you should be in your room somewhere. Check under the bed.  No need to thank me, Mr. Mittens was getting too old and boring for me anyways.

Laters,

The Tooth Fairy

PS Mr. Mittens probably needs to start wearing diapers

PPS Boring=Blind

 

Dear Jerry,

You got me all freaked me out. Thought I got lost and ended up in your parents’ room. Dude, you look ancient! I know you’re only 13 but your lip pubes make you seem mature enough to buy porn. I searched for the oldest person to lose baby teeth, but I got sidetracked and ended up on the oldest person ever to do a backflip on a motorcycle. No one knows for sure but most bets are on Evel Knievel=total badass!

I went through life big-bang-banda-boom-bada-boom.”—E.K.

I’m out,

Footh Tairy

 

Betty, I mean Betsy,

Because I think you are so dope, I’ve left you a copy of my favorite Tooth Fairy movie, Darkness Falls. It’s so much better than the flop starring that dolt Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or the one with Kirstie “The Blimp” Alley.  Trust me. Darkness Falls is this super creepy flick about a ghost who murders kids when she comes to collect their teeth. I’m not saying I always feel like that, but still.

Two thumbs up!

T.F.

PS I hope you have VHS

Ellen, I mean Evan,

Who designed this house? Cross-eyed McGinty? Jesus, I must’ve crashed eighteen times. Give your sister the money and just keep her tooth, ok? Do your homey a solid. All right, take ten percent for your trouble but keeps it on the DL.

I hate your parents.

Looking at this house, I bet you do too.

Peace out,

T-Fairs

 

Anna,

I think I hit rock bottom. All I have is my dry cleaning receipt, but I drew a smiley face on it for you.

These wings are freaking expensive to clean.

Especially if you sleep on the street sometimes. By accident, of course.

I’ll catch you the next time around I swear,

TF

 

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