Dear Santa,

Are you fucking kidding me? Sheets? I don’t care what’s on them, sheets are not a present. What’s next? Towels?

Jackass.

Stephen

Ash Fork, AZ

Dear Santa,

I know the conomy is bad or whatever but this is one cheapass truck. The wheels don’t even move even.

Cineerly,

Stodard

Sorrento, ME

 

Dear Santa,

Terrific. Now I am the only kid on the goddamn planet with a flip phone. Even those beggar kids in Slum Dog India all have smartphones.

Nice work fat ass,

Jimbo

Moscow, OH

 

Dear Santa,

The makeup that you gave me has some type of allergy in them or something. My cheek has all these bumps and my eye is all swelled closed. Ms Wonkowski the principal thinks my moms has been beating down on me. We have a meeting with child protective services next week. AND my moms is pissed that she has to take off work so she might really beat down on me.

I’m really mad, Santa.

Selene

Biggers, AR

 

Dear Santa,

I think you mixed me up with some gay kid in New York City. There is no way I have ever liked or would ever like shiny red sneakers. And with rainbow laces as an added bonus? Sweet. Please send some Docs or Timberlands at the least. I will leave these fairy shoes at the mall next to Baby Gap. Pick them up there and give them to one of your pervy elves.

Get sober asshole,

Ran

West Pocomoke, MD

 

Dear Santa,

I’m sorry but you don’t wrap packages with staples. You just don’t. I cut the shit out of my fingers and now there’s blood on Slippers, our white cat. You shoulda known that.

And since you know everything, how do you get blood stains out of clothes? Cats?

Well?

Louise

Taft, OK

 

Dear Santa,

Giving me piles of books will not make me read more. It’ll make me read less and throw the books out my window at bitches driving by down my block. That’s what it will do. 4 sure. Hope you gave the bitches extra windshields for their Christmas presents.

Blow me,

Ronnie

Carnuel, NM

 

Dear Santa,

Wanna know what I want? Someone to take out the garbage and get my dad off the couch. And maybe some food up in here. Windows that aren’t painted shut? Hello?

Keeping it real,

Melinda

Tulelake, CA

 

Dear Santa,

I know you are really busy and have a lot of people depending on you. I love how rosy your cheeks are, Santa and how much joy you bring to the childrens of the world. I hate to bother you with my request Santa but here goes:

 Please give Carly Rae Jepsen cancer. That Call Me Maybe song is making me lose my freaking mind. I am not kidding.

For the love of God or you. Wait. You’re not God, right?

Jesse

Mashpee Neck, MA

 

Dear Santa,

Even I know that giving my brother a copy of the Dark Knight DVD is totally inappropriate. Dude, the little dude is six! I’m still having nightmares after seeing that. That movie gets all up in your head. Who do you think will be getting up with him in the middle of the night when he starts screaming and pissing the bed?

Thanks a lot,

Jerome

Gopher Flats, OR

PS Heath Ledger offed himself if you forgot.

 

Dear Santa,

Rubber gloves, a bucket, and a bottle of Pine Sol is just stupid. I’m not that dirty, fucktard.

Billy

Story, WY

 

Dear Santa,

Welcome to the new world. We have these things called computers and iPads and smartphones that use this other thing called the internet where you can get information “at the touch of a button.” I don’t know what it’s like in the North Pole, maybe you are still working by candlelight and taking a dump in a froze-over outhouse. Personally, I don’t give a shit. What you need to know is: no one under the age of fifty uses a dictionary anymore.

That is all. Please make a note of it.

Meredith

East Camas, ID

 

Dear Santa,

I’d eat my dog Oscar’s poop before I’d wear this Christmas sweater. Consider it burned in the fireplace.

Ho ha ho

Robbie

Rhodhiss, NC

 

Dear Santa,

Whatevs, bitch.

Solomon

Fordoche, LA

 

Dear Santa,

I’m not sure you can read. Did you go to school? No one ever talks about your education. Because I made sure to print my list legibly (school word btw) and I had both my mom and Mrs Peters my teacher check it. I asked for the McKenna The American Girl doll of the year. It’s not that hard to find, Santa. She’s like all over the place.

What you gave me is not even close. First of all, I think your doll is like Chinese or something and her skin looks almost green. Even my friend Tabby agreed. And the fact that you wrote MACKENNY on her t-shirt in red Sharpie made it even worse.

My cousin Lattrell got her G.E.D. by going to school at night. Maybe you could do that too.

Reading is fundamental,

Maxie

Slaughter Beach, DE