Y’all seem to have a lot of questions for me. Let’s roll.

Have you considered Albuquerque?

I recently hit on Steve Ward of VH1’s “Tough Love” at a bar. He told me that dating is like fishing. Apparently, you can keep your rod in the water as long as you want, but if nothing’s biting then you should probably move your boat.

Anyway, Steve told me I was pretty, and VH1 describes him as “American’s maestro of love,” so his advice must be legit.

The problem? Albuquerque is far. I don’t care how good the sex is; I am way too lazy (and, on most nights, drunk) to drive my ass to Albuquerque for a man.

Why do you drink so much?

Why do you hate fun so much?

What would you do if a one-night stand ended in pregnancy?

Stop poking holes in my condoms. Seriously? I’d cry.

I’m so sexually frustrated. Do you have any suggestions? I’m tired of one-night stands. It’s not easy for me to find a friend with benefits situation.

1. Invest in a Fleshlight
2. Stop being creepy
   

Why is the shark-bear showdown so important to you?

I don’t want to date an idiot.

Would you rather take a shot of your own period blood once or chug a glass of Paul Ryan’s semen every day for the rest of your life?

How is this even remotely a question? The only debate is whether I would tell anyone that Paul Ryan’s semen is my primary source of protein.

I'm not into anal sex per se, being a very comfortable heterosexual Southern California man in my fifties, but I do enjoy having the very best, most intense orgasm possible (I'm sorry is that TMI?).

No, never. Unless you are confessing to me that you are the disease-riddled equivalent of a teenage prostitute, nothing is too much information.

Aren’t you lucky? To have all these men interested in you...And I am being serious. Do you realize how many people don't have ANYBODY interested in them?

I am lucky, I agree. But I think you'd be surprised how many people have people interested in them and just don't realize it. 

As a girl, is it acceptable for me to ask a guy on a date?

I like to be wooed, and I’m terrible at asking people out. That being said, I’ve done it twice.

Once in middle school (when I looked like Mitch from the movie Dazed and Confused) and once when I met a god of a formerly homeless man who asked me if I owned a phone. I went the direct route both times.

My recommendation is to wait for him to ask you out.

An oil businessman made a fixed deposit of $6,500.000.00 in my bank branch and he died in a bomb blast during the war leaving behind no next of kin. Are you interested in being named as a beneficiary for the funds?

No, spammer. I am not.