Many of you have inquired how I—a witty, 20-something femme-bro—is somehow single.
Most of you are just curious. A few of you have been a little too pushy. You really must insist that I give online dating a shot.
I don’t have anything against it. I just irrationally assume that people turn to the internet after monumental real-world failures. I’m not sure I want to troll the cyberspace dredges with the rest of the sea urchins who couldn’t cut it in 3-D. But my friends keep talking about it.
They describe one site as the Atlantis of dating: some Bermuda Triangle where all of the eligible people in SFe sip girly drinks laced with muscle-relaxers and garnished with umbrella-shaped condoms. And I am nothing if not a slave to peer pressure and societal norms. So I’m typing OKCupid into my browser, and you guys are coming with me.
The home page says that some guy on Yelp says this site is “pretty legit.” I believe him. Already it seems way more credible than seacaptaindate.com.
Plus, the cartoon girl beckoning me to enter my information seems ready for business time. She’s easy, but in a classy way.
Cartoon-me and her would be friends. I’ll answer her questions.
Gender: Online dating is so easy! Female.
Orientation: If I say straight, do I eliminate bisexual options? Do I want bisexual options? Online dating is so hard! Straight.
Status: This actually has options for “Dating” and “Married,” but you need to be looking for friends. I’m Single.
What’s this? I get to choose a user name?! The world is mine! But wait, Cmorg is taken? OKCupid suggests: CMorgasaurus, CMorg_taco, CMorgthecat, CMorg-o-matic, CMorginabox.
Not OK, Cupid. I would not like green eggs and ham. CaroMorg.
Now, “Tell Us About Yourself!”
My self-summary: This question is hard. Pass.
What I’m doing with my life: I spend a lot of time on Gchat. People seem to enjoy talking to me on it.
Also, I sometimes write things that people occasionally read. But don’t worry, I don’t write about dating.
I’m really good at: I’m exceptionally skilled at beer-chugging and microwave-cooking. Also, answering open-ended questions. Duh.
The first things people usually notice about me: A person once favorably described me as an alluring combination of Zooey Deschanel’s soft, baby-seal skin and Miley Cyrus’ cold, somewhat dead eyes. That person was me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Well this is a shit-ton of unrelated questions to answer at once. I’m overwhelmed. Pass.
The six things I could never do without: All my answers relate to the consumption of alcohol or the use of technology. Oh, and Diet Coke. I love Diet Coke.
I spend a lot of time thinking about: cage matches between modified animals. Bears and sharks, specifically. You know, science and stuff.
On a typical Friday night I am: sexting.
You’re wrong, OKCupid! I’m not more than just a pretty face. These questions are hard. I give up. I’ll be feasting on hoarded walnuts with the hibernating squirrels this winter.
Are you on OKCupid? Have we met? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.