--2 Letter America: Dear Grampa
       
Oct. 22, 2014

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Letter America: Dear Grampa

October 5, 2012, 9:00 am
By Robert Wilder

Dear Grampa,

How are you? I am fine. Mommy took me to the bank today to open my first savings account. I put in a five dollar bill and the nice man explained what interest is. Did you know they give you money for keeping your money in their bank? I think that’s where I’ll put my birthday and Christmas money. I think I might save up for an American Girl doll or a Barbie car that I can ride on. I’m not sure.

Love

Lizzie

 

Dear Elizabeth,

Good luck with that. Your mother might as well have flushed your five dollar bill down the toilet after setting it on fire. After this next election, there will be a rush on the banks and the government will not allow you access to your funds. They’re robbing from you and your children and you don’t even know it. You should do like me and buy gold. Your mother should too but she’s been brainwashed by the liberal media. Maybe Obama will bail her out when she loses her shirt and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

Sure!

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

Dear Grampa,

Hola! That’s Spanish. We started doing Spanish today in Mrs. Garcia’s room. On Wednesdays after recess we will go to her room and learn a new language. Isn’t that exciting? Her room is very colorful with paper flowers and tablecloths that have fruits on them. She even plays music when we enter and leave her classroom. Isn’t that fun?

I miss you.

Adios (that means goodbye)

Lizzie

PS In a few weeks, we get our Spanish names!

 

 

 

Dear Elizabeth,

I don’t know why your mother isn’t telling you this but English is the official language of this country and I would appreciate it if you used only English in your letters. I have no idea who this Garcia is but I think someone should make sure she is a legal resident and qualified to be in front of youngsters. When we live in a country where the President may not (most likely) be a natural citizen, then I say: trust no one. I also wonder what other core subjects are being forfeited so you can have your little “fiesta.” How much do you know about the American Revolution or simple multiplication? Do you know all the Presidents? State Capitols? Who invented the gold standard? I would venture not.

Elizabeth is the only name you should use. It suited your predecessors well enough, I should say.

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

Dear Grampa,

How are you? I have a cold. I’ve had to miss school and stay home and eat chicken soup with boring crackers. I’ve used up like a million tissues. Do you know any jokes or anything to make me feel better?

Miss you

Lizzie

 

Dear Elizabeth,

I’ll tell you a joke: Obamacare! I’m surprised you haven’t been taxed for being sick and getting better. I’m just glad I’ll be dead soon so I won’t see the impact of this socialist takeover on what was once a great country.

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

Dear grampa,

Mom said I should just ask you simple questions like

what did you have for dinner?

Love

Lizzie

Dear Elizabeth,

I’ll tell you what I didn’t have: any of that “organic” crap your mother buys. Research has shown that there is very little nutritional difference between so-called organic and regular food. You want to know where the difference lies? I’ll tell you. The pricetag! They slap organic on the label and they can charge two or three times the price. What a load of crap! Tell your mom to spend her money on smarter things like bulk items or no name brands. It’s all the same.

Seaweed? Get the hell outta here! Might as well pay $15.99 a pound for my dryer lint.

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

Dear Grampa,

Mom told me I should stop writing you because you get all riled up but I think you’re funny. And a cutie petootie.

I need some advice. My friend Pilot hasn’t been really nice lately. She stays on the swings longer than the ten minute rule and says my lunch smells like cat pee. I tell her that she hurts my feelings but she doesn’t listen. Grampa, she even calls me a baby. Mama told me to just keep telling her how I feel and if that doesn’t work tell my teacher. I don’t want to be a tattletale though.

Wish you were here to help.

Miss you

Lizzie

 

Dear Elizabeth,

Telling someone how you feel is like trying to stop a train with a feather duster. It just doesn’t work! Look at our relationship with Iran. They can do whatever they feel like because we only tell them how we feel. And you are right about telling the teacher. Like the UN has ever done anything for us besides making us look weak in front of Russia. Your mom won’t like me saying this but you are my blood so here goes: punch Pilot right in the gullet and she’ll never pull that crap with you again. If you can’t handle that, tape a dead fish under her desk when everyone else is at recess or music or whatever else the teachers union dreams up so they don’t have to do what I pay taxes for.

Pilot is a ridiculous name for a girl. I can only imagine what kind of parents she has.

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

Dear grampa,

This will be my last letter for a while. Mom said. We’re getting ready for our Earth Day pageant and we are writing a song about the trees and flowers being our brothers and sisters. The older kids are making a movie about global warming and the littler kids are trying to get people to eat less meat. I’m pretty excited.

Love

Lizzie

Dear Elizabeth,

I bought a handgun a little while back for protection against radical Islamists. After reading your last letter, I’m ready to turn it on myself.

Fondly,

Your Grandfather

 

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