I had a lot of boyfriends in high school. I’d like to think it’s because I’m a babe, but I think it probably had something to do with my oral tendencies.

You see, I’ve always been a swallower. I swallowed anything I could get my hands on as a kid. It was only natural for me, then, as a teen to (unofficially) take my high school’s blowjob queen title.

I treated blowjobs like a quick hello, or a “hey, thanks for the ride home.” I put dick in my mouth at the same rate that my bulimic best friend forced meals out of hers. You could be as sure that I was on my knees somewhere as you could be that the driver of the white van offering candy to preteens was named Chester (as in the molester).

Anyway, you get the point.

By now, you realize that my use of “boyfriend” is as loose as LoHo’s vagina (I kid, I kid, she seems like a very nice lady). Someday, I’ll tell you about all these suitors. Aren’t you sooo excited?! I know I am!

But back to blowies.

I’ve been known to say that I peaked in high school. It was a ball (or two)! I was LOVING life. But then I grew up, and if you’ve been reading my columns (or angry rants) of the past two weeks, then you know I’m a little jaded as of late.

So what happened to the fun, penis-loving teen of yesteryear? She stopped dolling out blowjobs like Halloween candy.

That was stupid. Blowjobs = happiness.

This started off as just a theory; then I researched (the book kind, you pervs). And I’m right (duh)!

Move over, Prozac: nature’s cure for depression is just a titty-fuck away. Semen has all sorts of other health benefits, too!

This is great news for me because I love the taste of semen (which, incidentally, will taste even juicier if a man eats celery, cranberries or watermelon). It should be bottled and sold in the supermarket next to the milk. MMM!

Dieters, listen!

Semen is a high-protein, low-calorie (20 per teaspoon) snack. Plus, if you extract it correctly, it’s gotta be similar to celery in that you burn more than you intake.

You know what else? I’ve never had a cavity. Wanna know why? I know! I know! BLOWJOBS!

Ready to get scientific? Semen has minerals like zinc and calcium that help prevent tooth decay. Yup, that’s right, you can replace the fluoride with a floor-ride.

Want bonus points? Sexiquette recommends brushing your teeth post-bj.

If you don’t want to swallow, no biggie! The REAL tree of immortality (I’m looking at you, Tuck family) lies in your man’s bush. Rub his juices on your skin (SEX-AY) and you could fight acne and aging.

I could go on. But basically, give more blowjobs (unless you want to die sad and young)!

Don’t believe me? Do the research yourself. I’d rather extend my life by giving some lucky reader a Caro Morgs circa 2000-2004 special.