It’s no secret that I enjoy an occasional ride to drillville on some badass dude’s bonercycle. Unfortunately, in Santa Fe, most of these rides have been to ‘Oh, hey, wait, aren’t you gay?’ville. I like sex (duh!), but I haven’t really told you about dating.

This is because I would rather inhale some bath salts and eat my own flesh than spend another hour with all but two of my 17 dates in Santa Fe. At this point it’s unlikely I’ll have any even mediocre dates, but if it happens I’ll probably send a thank-you note with some naked pics.

But who do I do in the meantime? Girl’s got needs (and they involve something other than my right hand). If you’re not ready to be tied down by any of your suitors (or you want them all to tie you up), casual coital is the only solution.

But Caroline, you ask, where do I find a slampiece? I’m glad you asked, grasshoppers. It’s really fucking easy.

1.  Reuse Former Boos

Ahhhh, the joys of ex-sex. Banging an ex is like going out in public in an old pair of sweatpants in that it’s easy, comfortable, and you only do it when you literally have no other options. It doesn’t matter if you’re lazy, because ex-sex is familiar and you don’t have to impress anyone (unless you want to get back together, in which case this is a worse idea than casting Kristen Stewart in anything, ever).

Caveat: I learned last month that you must recycle an ex before you’re so over him/her that you’ll never get under him/her again. Otherwise shit gets real awkward, real fast.

2.  Get to the End Zone, Not the Friend Zone

Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen: platonic sleepovers are lame! This is scientifically proven (maybe).

You don’t see any petroglyphs of cave-people playing the same-bed (or buffalo skin), no-touching game. If they did, humans would be extinct. Instead, cave people took their friends to the bone zone.

So stop acting like such a pussy. The worst zone of all is the regret zone. The horizontal hokey-pokey is a good idea if you and your hot friend are both single and neither of you is getting any.

If it’s not, then you only lose a friend. But you didn’t want to be friends anyway; you wanted to pork.

3.  Bump Uglies (literally)

If you’re looking to satiate your lustful cravings, it doesn’t matter if you’re boinking a porker or railing some lady who put her makeup on with the sole purpose of becoming Beetlejuice. Fat, ugly and naked is still just naked with the lights off.

The hottie with the body is probably lazy in the sack anyway. So pump the keg instead of the 6-pack. It’s your one-night stand, and you can let someone uglier than you do all the work if you want to.

When you’re finished with your slampiece, congratulate yourself with some booze, then own your stride of pride. You got laid!

That early morning jogger judging you did not. You win!