Letter America Dear Doctor Guy, My friend recently stopped taking my calls because I’m dating her ex-boyfriend, but they broke up like over two years ago. I don’t know what to do.—Helpless Hottie ... More
We want to congratulate the winners and runners-up, and encourage
all y'all to let us know what you think about the results in the
comments section below while you're pumping these tunes and thinking about how damn triumphant they are.
Oh, and before you start wondering if it's on here, "Eye of the Tiger"
has been purposefully left out for reasons of obviousness, and the fact
that it's a stupid song that people only seem to like in a weird ironic
sense, and we're past ironically pretending to enjoy things/it was hard
enough for us to include that song from Karate Kid.
Anyway—TO THE LIST!!
Tina Turner: Simply the Best
When it comes to describing winners of any kind or simply appearing on a playlist for any sort of competition, we give this song a big fat "Duh!" In fact, you can insert this number into any victorious situation and everything will work out just fine. Hell, it'll work out better than fine! Sure the music is kind of cheesy and was actually a Bonnie Tyler song first, but when we stack it up against Tina's indomitable spirit and the way it might work out if someone were to put this on while accomplishing shit in slo-motion, it's pretty damn awesome.
Queen: We Are the Champions
I think we all learned a very important life lesson in the last act of D2: The MIghty Ducks, and it's that when the chips are down and an evil Icelandic hockey team is bending the rules to win, it's time to blare this song and feel like the greatest bunch of misfit kids on the face of the planet. Wait a minute...that was "We Will Rock You"! Well, the point remains the same: Queen rules and this song will totally give you a victory boner. Might we suggest that if you're a winner you can call the runners-up in your category when you know they're closed and leave this song on their answering machine? Ha! Actually, don't do that because it's just plain antagonistic.
Joe Esposito-You're the Best
We like this song because it not only works for those who took home top honors, but it lets the runners-up know that they must never quit even if that Johnny clown uses an illegal leg sweep—so to speak. It's important to always try or hardest whether we're facing those Cobra Kai jerks or just trying to be the best damn vacuum repair shop around, and despite the fact that we couldn't even find out whether or not Joe Esposito is even still alive, this song still oughta make you feel good.
Bonnie Tyler: I Need a Hero
We felt bad about dissing her for Tina before, so even though she's better known for "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and even though this song is more about hero worship and boning some sort of mythical/street-fighting superman of some kind and Short Circuit 2 (last movie reference, we promise...maybe), Bonnie Tyler still rules it, and this number still feels fucking great. Super-long sentences aside, some of this year's winners are, in fact, downright heroic, and it's up to us to let 'em know. Imagine this jam playing over whatever winner's commercial. Those who lost lay slain in its wake, and a billion hot models gather around to do whatever it is hot models do. We'd shop at that place for sure.
Michael Jackson: Beat It
This is for all those winners out there to look at the competition with a steely glare, challenge them to a close-quarters knife fight and then let everyone around know who's funky...by which we mean, of course, the best. With the immortal riff courtesy of super-shredder Eddie Van Halen, you really can't go wrong with any part of this song, and it oughta teach a lesson to those uppity second and third placers—do not fuck with you or your business/band/non-profit/patio/etc.
R Kelly: The World's Greatest
This dude couldn't write non-goofy lyrics if his life depended on it (and we're also more than a little partial to his magnum opus, Trapped in the Closet), but with that said, it doesn't change the victorious message of this song. You are a mountain...you are a tall tree. And while all you winners out there can be proud to say you're Santa Fe's greatest, just don't pee on anybody.
Most Rap/Hip-Hop Songs
Instead of writing letters about how you love rap and it's way more varied than we're saying here and we're stupid and stuff, try and take this joke for what it is. Yes, there are countless themes discussed throughout the history of rap and hip-hop, but there are also a hell of a lot of songs about being the best or the greatest. In fact, we'd be willing to bet you that you could pick your favorite rapper and/or MC and he/she would have at least one song about being amazing. If by some slim chance they don't, just pick up a Kanye West album and get down to it.
So there you have it, friends, a little playlist for your Best Of reading.
Obviously there are things we forgot or left out, so give us some idea
of your favorite "best" songs below and then get out to congratulate those winners and enjoy whatever it is they might do.