Safety First

The Santa Fe Police Department has released its tips for safe trick-or-treating on Halloween, and while safety should in no way be taken lightly, these guidelines nonetheless do inspire a bit of gentle mocking. This is, after all, a holiday that revolves around getting kids to take candy from strangers.

In other words, no renting a kid so you can dress him up as a

, and no using the excuse of Halloween to put your child in a straitjacket. That shouldn't be too difficult a parameter to accept.

I'm guessing all the adults yearning to show their benevolence by showering little kids with candy but don't have porch lights are the same people who didn't have chimneys for Santa as kids. Sad.

Then again, you could just trick-or-treat at noon.

There's no explanation given for this one, but maybe it's so people can tell that you're a kid instead of some crazy pint-sized

? Or maybe the SFPD's just trying to help us cope with the recession: Not only is makeup

, but

, it's also "a pick-me-up that won't break the bank, but still makes us feel good about ourselves."

Which is not the only reason never to do

. Or

. You could do

if you cut off the tail...but then no one would get it.

Stealing candy is only cute when

.

Who knows what you could find? My parents made us look for razorblades when we should've been trolling for

.

(if someone steals your candy)

(if someone steals someone else's candy)

If you haven't been offended yet,

to find out how much

less

tasteful New York City can be than beautiful Santa Fe. Oh, and one last word of advice from your friends at SFR: Never,

EVER

.

Happy Halloween!

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