Unsolicited responses to the week's weirdest classified advertisements.

Female Duck Wanted in Española
I am looking for a female duck. Our female duck died two days ago and the male is very lonely. Please let us know if you have a duck you would like to sell.
Thank you.

Dear Duck Wanter,
Nobody is going to sell or give you any ducks. Why? Because it would obviously be cruel and unusual duck punishment: Anyone who knows ducks knows why your female died. Your male duck—technically called a drake—killed your female by viciously humping it to death. Depending on what part of the breeding season you are in, you'll need 5 to 10 ducks to satisfy your drake's need to spread his seed.  If you're matching one drake to one duck, you're either under the religious, anthropomorphic spell that one male and one female is God's preferred matching or you are making the kind of YouTube videos that should have the FBI's sex crimes unit rappelling through your skylight any second now. Try trading your male for a pair of females, who will get along like gangbusters and happily lay eggs without a drake in sight. That is if you can tolerate two lady ducks licking each other in the nether feathers if the mood strikes them.

Classif*cker