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Cock Block

March 23, 2009, 12:00 am
By Patricia Sauthoff
It's the weirdest thing. Everyone who has come over to my desk has stopped in the middle of a sentence, sometimes even in the middle of a word and just stood there, frozen for a second. Is it because I look so astoundingly beautiful in my bright yellow sweater? Sadly, no. Perhaps they've just noticed the Kali finger-puppet or wind up lederhosen above my computer? Negative.

Oh, I know why. It's because just a few inches to my left, right next to my mouse, red pen and cell phone sits a book. Now, my books don't normally garner such attention but this book is special. It's by Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas, though no one who has looked at it thus far as noticed the authors and would probably be a little shocked to discover that one of the authors is a Catholic priest.

So why, you must be asking yourself by now, is a book by a doctor and a priest causing such a stir around SFR? Well, I think it's the title: How to Live with A Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much.



Yeah. Totally not kidding. And neither is the book. It sounds like a joke but Dr. Jacon and Rev. Thomas are truly concerned about men who suffer from Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG).

Like everyone else my first response was snarky. I fondly remembered the first skateboard I ever bought, which was decorated on the bottom with the "Peter Meter" (similar to the one in the picture below:

[Side note: I was 14 when I bought a deck that said "Lay it Down Boys" right there in big bold print. How my mother or my school allowed me to sport that bad boy every day is kind of unfathomable at this point. Also, I am still extraordinarily pissed off that she was stolen from me. Best skateboard ever.]

OK, now, that the giggling has stopped lets get back to OMG shall we? Right from the start, this actually sounds pretty horrific and these authors really are talking about the kind of dicks that make porn stars look like pencils. We're talking eight plus inches long and seven inches around. We're in breakfast burrito territory here.

Don't have a ruler handy and wondering if you suffer? A few questions from the OMG questionnaire include "Have you ever pinched your penis under a toilet seat?" (Ouch) and "Can you touch the base of your spine with the tip of your penis?" (Kundalini yoga goes to a whole to level if you answer yes to this one!)

So fellas, if you've got a humdinger of a dong don't keep it in the dark any longer. How to Live with a Huge Penis has chapters on sexual health, how to deal with the discrimination your dick is sure to get you and a really fun daily affirmation section with fun starters such as "My positive penis thought of the day" and "I should not fellate myself today, because."

And for the ladies, if you happen to run across one of these ginormous cocks while out and about with a handsome gentleman, don't run and scream, just take it slow when it comes time to get down and dirty!

 

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