Easy Pickings

Hello, I'll be your victim for this evening…

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

But let me back up for a moment. I've written several columns about the wacky crimes in Santa Fe, and I have pointed out that sometimes the victims themselves seem, let me put this delicately, about as smart as an adobe brick.

I'm now willing to go a step further and say, flat-out, that Santa Fe is a criminal's paradise. If you're a crook who is too lazy to devise a diabolical caper, then this is the city for you. Some folks here want to be victims so badly it would be downright cruel to disappoint them.

I'll show you what I mean. As always, these crimes were reported in the Santa Fe New Mexican's "Police Notes." I couldn't improve upon them if I wanted to.

Let's see. It says here a guy told police that he lent a vehicle to "a man he met in jail," and the man didn't return it.

No! I did not see that one coming!

A guy driving a red Mitsubishi Lancer picked up two female hitchhikers and offered to pay for their hotel room. The driver stopped at his house to pick up money while the hitchhikers were left in the car. When he came out of his house, the hitchhikers had left with the vehicle.

I know, right?

In another incident, some dude reported his handgun had been missing for some time, and he wasn't sure if it was stolen, or just misplaced at his residence.

Really? You may have misplaced your fricking handgun? If I may speak candidly, sir, doesn't that somewhat reduce its effectiveness as a form of home protection?

A guy told deputies that five years ago, he had hired a man to restore a 1970 automobile, but when he went to see the vehicle recently he discovered that no work had been done on it, even though he had personally delivered $36,000 worth of parts to the man.

Did I mention I'm not making up any of this stuff?

It goes on and on. A wallet was stolen from a vehicle that had been left unlocked with the engine running on West Alameda Street. Unlocked. Engine running. Wallet inside.

Or consider this one. A guy told police a burglar stole a Nikon digital camera, an iPhone and $5,200 in cash from a car in a motel parking lot on Cerrillos, between 1 am and 9 am.

"Honey, it's late and I'm really tired, so I'm just gonna leave this five thousand in cash in the car overnight, parked right in the epicenter of Santa Fe car break-ins. Don't worry, I'll cover up the money with my phone and the camera.

A passport and a belt worth $5,000 were reported stolen from a home. In fairness, I have no proof the victim did anything stupid here, except, you know, a $5,000 belt?

In the, "Hey, how'd you find me?" department, police arrested a guy on South St. Francis Drive, "after he called 911 to report that he was drunk." Turned out there was a Magistrate Court warrant out for his arrest. I hope he collected a reward.

In Santa Fe, the crime victim isn't always a person. Sometimes, it's the English language itself: "Two males and three females broke into an apartment in the 2800 block of Cerrillos Road at 1:40 pm Sunday and threatened a man with a crowbar who lives there."

Again, not making it up.

But here's my favorite. Police arrested a guy on charges of driving on a revoked license and careless driving. It seems he crashed into a fence, a mailbox and a tree after he began making adjustments to his vehicle's hydraulic suspension system while driving.

Seriously. Words cannot express the mirth I feel when I rerun that scene in my mind. What a shame he wasn't also shooting selfies at the time!

Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


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