Ditch Tape

I once had a crush on this cashier whom we'll call K-Mart Girl. After I became aware of K-Mart Girl, everything I ever needed was thereafter purchased at the retailer, whether or not it was a convenient trip. This went on for some time until I worked up the nerve to ask her out, and what followed was a semi-bizarre series of mini-events, the most memorable of which was a mix CD she left on my porch for Valentine's Day.

I'm sure the intent was to be cute and spontaneous, but as she hadn't just handed it to me in person, it mostly came across as creepy. See, K-Mart Girl had unwittingly and subtly planted the idea in my head that she was obsessive and weird, and it didn't really work out after that. I mention this because it would actually be pretty brilliant to repurpose the mix CD with the hope that you could subliminally get rid of someone you don't really like without getting your hands dirty. Hell, put it together right, and they'll think it was their idea to break up, so you win. Here are some great local songs I would use to accomplish such a dubious mission. Just make sure you leave it someplace creepy like on their car or in their mailbox.

"Your Kings & Queens are Lousy Lovers" by Art of Flying

The title plants the idea that you suck at boning, and the über-mellow style makes them associate you with slow-moving sadness.

"System Suicide" by Yar

This is a tricky tune because some of y'all are surely dating metalheads who would probably love the heaviness. Still, metal doesn't spell out romance to a lot of people, and suicide is the least sexy thing ever. Well, unless you're doing it to impress someone, but that's really a young person's game.

"Way to Go" by The Strange

Once they hear the part that's like, "I had to put a thousand miles between you and me," they'll realize that you're saying, "Way to go," as sarcastically as humanly possible.

"On Second Thought" by Flamingo Pink!

With its emotionally charged yet poppy aesthetic, this is the song that plays in the movie as the protagonist stares pensively out the window during a rainstorm. The title pretty much says it all, and since these tracks have been partially chosen based on how the track listings will read, it fits!

"One of These Days" by Bill Hearne

"I'll be gone like the wayward wind," says the local flatpickin' country legend. If they can't read into that, you've seriously got to wonder why on earth you ever wanted to bed this clown in the first place.

"Aim to Please" by Anthony Leon

When they hear Leon quietly suggest that they, "Walk away slowly…" they might think it'll be OK. At least until the next line, which just so happens to be, "…now run."

"I'm Sad the Song" by i heart metal

OK, this is one of my songs and I'm sorry for that, but it's got such a good "fuck you" message masked by awful lyrics and a way-too-emo feel, so it's as close as you'll come to actually having them thank you for ending it…probably because they'll think you're a fan of terrible music.

Santa Fe Reporter