Loafing Around: Jive Turkey Edition

Satisfying vegetarians at the contemporary holiday table means more than mashing up some extra potatoes—although that probably wouldn't hurt

This is a difficult time of year for many cooks, chefs and food writers.

You see, we must, at any given moment during our busy holiday work schedules, drop what we are doing to play Fowl Fixer, Ham Houdini, Posole Whisperer and Stuffing Savior for friends and family, many of whom still equate hard-fought culinary careers with an unspoken obligation to oversee an all-hours, free-for-all cooking hotline from Nov. 15 through Jan. 1.

Don't get me wrong; it's nice to feel needed. Nothing punctuates the seasonal love washing over me quite like talking an inebriated friend through the defrosting of a rock-hard 20-pound bird at 2 am on Christmas morning. #TrulyBlessed

This year, however, the entrée ante has been upped exponentially. When SFR asked me to come up with an alternative to the turkey as a central component of the holiday table, I thought, 'Easy peasy! Crown beef roast, pork loin, game hens—hell, let's get all up in those heavenly loaves and fishes!'

Unfortunately, I tend to attract the hardest way to do things, so I settled on navigating completely unfamiliar territory: the vegan "roast." (Dear Julia Child, please forgive me these transgressions. I shall butter something later in your honor, I swear.)

You've seen them in stores, things such as Tofurky, Quorn Turk'y Roast, Harvest Celebration Field Roast, Gardein Stuffed Turkey Roast…it's bloody mock-meat mayhem out there, people, but they all taste like little more than the box or bag they came in. I aim to fix that and add some killer vegetarian mushroom gravy in the process.

Vegan Field "Roast" (serves 8-10)

  • 1 cup vital wheat gluten flour (available at most natural grocers; I prefer Bob’s Red Mill brand)
  • 2 ½ cups brown rice flour
  • 2 cups white rice flour
  • 2 cups finely ground toasted and salted cashews
  • 2 tablespoons onion powder
  • 1 tablespoon garlic powder
  • 1 teaspoon sweet paprika
  • ½ teaspoon turmeric
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh or ground dried poultry-seasoning (thyme, marjoram, rosemary and sage)
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • 4 cups (more or less) of very cold water
  • 8-10 cups unsalted vegetable broth or rich roasted-veggie stock
  • 1 bay leaf
  • Fresh whole sprigs of thyme, rosemary and sage
  • Butcher’s twine
  • 1 yard of muslin (cheesecloth), rinsed and folded into three layers

Combine the first nine ingredients in a large bowl. Bring vegetable stock to a slow simmer in a separate heavy-bottomed stockpot. Quickly stir cold water into the dry ingredients ½ cup at a time, until the mixture starts to form a loose dough. Knead for about eight minutes, seasoning along the way, until you see strings of gluten forming and the dough stays together easily. You may need more water, but use it sparingly. Gently form the "roast" into a compact, oval-shaped loaf, wrap it in the rinsed cheesecloth that has been folded into three layers, and truss the mess lengthwise with butcher's twine, about every 2 inches. Gently plunge the prepared loaf into the simmering vegetable stock, add the fresh-herb sprigs and bay leaf, cover and simmer on low for two hours, checking occasionally. If the roast is not completely covered by broth, add some hot water to the pot. Treat this "roast" like a matzo ball: If it floats, it's done. Don't cook more than two hours. Transfer the "roast" to an oiled baking sheet, remove the cheesecloth, and let cool to room temperature. Reserve the vegetable stock to make the mushroom gravy.

Vegan Mushroom Gravy (serves 8-10)

  • 4 cups cleaned, thinly sliced mushrooms: cremini (portobello), oyster, white and/or shiitake
  • 1 peeled medium yellow onion, sliced thin
  • 2 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
  • 1/8 cup vegetable or blended olive oil (NOT extra-virgin olive oil)
  • ½ cup cream sherry
  • 2 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 6 cups leftover vegetable stock (from “roast” preparation)
  • 3 tablespoons cornstarch
  • Fresh-cracked black pepper and salt to taste

Heat the oil in a large saucepan to medium-high. Add onions and mushrooms. Sautée for 10 minutes, or until the mushrooms are well browned and have released some liquid. Deglaze the pan with the cream sherry. Add garlic, thyme and stock, and bring to a boil. In a small container, mix the cornstarch with cold water to create a slurry the consistency of heavy cream. Whisk the slurry into the boiling mushroom broth and cook until thickened. Season with salt and pepper; reduce heat to low.

Completing the scene: Merry Crust-mas

If I'm going to eat fake meat, especially a "roast" that isn't really roasted at all, then I want fake crispy skin along with it. And I want it roasted, dammit, because it's the holidays and that's what we are required to do, apparently. Here's how it goes:

  • 1 room-temperature vegan loaf
  • 1 cup room-temperature or warm vegan mushroom gravy
  • 1 heaping cup toasted coarse breadcrumbs (rye is great with this)
  • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
  • 2 tablespoons vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 400 F. Place vegan loaf on an oiled baking sheet. Top loaf evenly with vegan gravy. Sprinkle with breadcrumbs and thyme. Drizzle with oil. Bake on center rack, uncovered, for 20 minutes or until crispy.

Serve immediately, sliced thinly, with mushroom gravy, roasted sweet-potato cubes and enough mashed potatoes to:

  1. Silence the snide comments from the kids’ table
  2. Satisfy the vegetarians who may never appreciate your valiant efforts to their cause anyway

The right wine is a perfect companion for this now-roasted nonroast. I suggest a bottle of NM-produced 2010 Gruet pinot noir. For something a little more casual and effervescent, try a lovely hard cider from local producers Santa Sidra.

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