Crime for Dummies

I've written before about stupid crimes here in Santa Fe, and some readers have accused me of being obsessed with lawlessness.

That isn't true. It's stupidity I'm obsessed with. As long as brain-dead imbeciles are out there breaking the law, I'll be watching and writing about them.

And it isn't just the criminals who seem mentally challenged. Many of the victims shouldn't be expecting a full scholarship to Harvard, either.

This brings me to what may be the dumbest crime in the whole history of stupid crimes. See, this guy left his…no, wait, I think I'll save that one for last. Please be patient; it's so worth it.

Everything I write here is lifted from the Santa Fe New Mexican's daily police notes. I couldn't make this stuff up.

A woman was arrested on a charge of battery against a household member for allegedly hitting her husband with a rake after he got into a fight with another man with whom she reportedly had been "making out."

I know, right? What's funnier than seeing "making out" in a police report?

One victim was certainly more patient than I ever would have been, reporting that she never received two paintings that she bought at a Santa Fe gallery more than two years ago. The paintings were reportedly worth $76,000.

Someone broke into a house at St. John's College. Officials said nothing seemed to be missing, but it appeared as if someone had slept in the home. The police should be looking for a little girl with golden hair.

A man reported that he had lost $8,000 after transferring the money to the Philippines to cover taxes for a sweepstakes he thought he had won. Um, sir, did you enter a sweepstakes in the Philippines?

Someone entered a vehicle and stole a set of tools, an iPad, a camera, a radar detector, a wallet and assorted jewelry. Nah, of course it wasn't locked! Neither was the car parked in a restaurant lot, where a 9 mm handgun was taken at lunchtime.

The following is printed verbatim from the police notes:

On Thursday, a Santa Fe woman reported that she let an unknown man borrow her 2006 Jeep Liberty so he could go back to his house and lock it up. He said he would return with the vehicle, but he did not.

So is this one:

A woman reported that a man tried to rob her after she withdrew some cash from an ATM on West San Francisco at Sandoval streets about 1:30 am Sunday, but she didn't give up any money because the man was holding a cell phone.

And this one:

A man reported that someone entered his vehicle while it was parked in the 3200 block of La Paz Lane between 5 pm Tuesday and 7 am Thursday, and tried to start the vehicle using a house key.

Finally, here it is, my all-time favorite. If you're looking for a victim, this dude is the gold standard:

A man told police he left his credit card at a drug dealer's apartment in the 3700 block of Cerrillos Road, and then the drug dealer or another person made multiple cash withdrawals, draining more than $700 from the man's account.

I mean, if you can't trust a drug dealer….

Robert Basler's humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com

Santa Fe Reporter