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Best of Santa Fe - Do It!

Best of Santa Fe - Do It!

July 23, 2013, 12:00 am
By SFR
Best day trip

If you want to have a beer with hairy, toothless bikers, gypsy artists and an assortment of wandering dogs, then it’s best to point your vehicle toward Madrid. The drive alone is worth the trip to this tiny mining town, nestled in the Cerrillos Hills along the picturesque Turquoise Trail. We recommend first stopping by the Santa Fe Brewing Company for brew and horseshoes. And if you’re up for it, Cerrillos Hills State Park, just before Madrid, offers an easy hike among historic mine shafts from the 19th-century turquoise boom. Top the trip off with a stop at the charmingly divey Mine Shaft Tavern (2846 Hwy. 14, 473-0743), and you might never return to the 21st century. (JH)

Best place to get laid
Unfortunately, if we’re being totally honest here, Albuquerque’s the place. There are more beds there, more young people, more old people, more...of most things. I can’t really talk about that, since we’re talking Santa Fe here; but go ahead, hop on that Rail Runner. After an extensive search, the unanimous Where to Get Laid winner seems to be the Matador (116 W San Francisco St.). An incredibly high percentage of acquaintances, or acquaintances of acquaintances, know people who slept with someone after a few too many PBRs at the local subterranean watering hole. It’s one of the few places you’ll find young people—inevitably, there are old ones, too. But that’s a good thing; there’s something for everyone. And here’s the kicker: Some of those acquaintances or acquaintances of acquaintances who got laid via the Matador are still happily getting laid by that special someone to this day. But that’s not to say you can’t land a one-night stand there, too. (MRC)

Best way to make your own fun
Woody Allen once said, “Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone you love.” He may have been onto something there, and since he is a big-shot movie director, he’s probably pretty smart. Look, we can spend all day telling you about the beauty found in hiking up to the aspens near the ski basin or the fun found in the downtown nightlife, but you already know about these things so, right here and now, we’re going to recommend you head to Arcade News (2821 Cerrillos Road, 471-9925) and love thyself. According to a Men’s Health article from 2011, regular, umm, self-love fights cancer, ups your immunity and has other benefits that everyone, be they man or woman, can get behind. We aren’t saying you need to shout it from the rooftops or call your mom and let her in on your weekend “plans,” but sometimes when it comes to making your own fun, it’s nice to turn down the lights, pour a glass of wine and just go to town on yourself. Oh! We just thought of one more benefit: If this blurb freaks you out, take its advice and then notice how you don’t much care about anything anymore. (ADV)

best way to cure what ails you
When I looked up rolfing, I found it’s not as weird as it sounds. I’ve always thought of it as some form of barf therapy, like therapeutic purging; in reality, it has nothing to do with ralphing, and maybe someday I’ll try it. Santa Fe also offers tons of other ways to heal yourself—massage, yoga, reiki, cranial sacral therapy, shamanism, acupuncture…the list goes on. And then there’s, for instance, dolphin therapy. Weird, right? In a desert? And cuddle therapy—and I’m sure these aren’t even the strangest ways to heal yourself (see above). The point is, in Santa Fe, there truly is something for everyone. John Lennon was into scream therapy; I personally like art therapy; my boyfriend seeks release on Twitter; and Santa Feans seem to like to therapeutically stack random piles of rocks around town for no obvious reason. (MRC)

Best art to purchase if you don’t buy into the whole aspens-landscape thing
Sharla Throckmorton-McDowell, the owner of downtown’s POP Gallery (142 Lincoln Ave., 820-0788), is used to being the odd duck of the local scene. “We’ve always been the red-headed stepchild—and I like that,” she says. “I think it’s important for the Santa Fe art scene to grow,” the gallerist continues, “and see art that is embraced in other markets.” Leave your cowboy expectations at the door, partner, as POP is chock-full of artistic alternatives—ranging from David Ho’s new-brow mixed media on wood to Max Lehman’s sugar skull-inspired animal masks and Stephanie Huerta’s life-size prairie dog sculptures. Perfect for the person who has everything, each playful, colorful dawg ($375-$525)—proudly cast in New Mexico—virtually screams out, “Born here all my life!” Need further convincing to prairie dog it? A part of each sale benefits Prairie Dog Pals, a nonprofit dedicated to the preservation and relocation of the adorable burrowing rodents. (EL)  

Best way to avoid an ex in a small town
First of all, we should all accept that avoiding an ex in a small town may not be possible. Run away to Albuquerque. Spend all your time there. Good luck to you if you acquire an ex in Albuquerque, too. You could move away, obviously, but not all of us are so free. You can dye your hair and get plastic surgery. If you dress like a tourist (see page 33), you’re bound to look...dipherent. Stay in your little adobe hobbit-hole indefinitely. Violence shouldn’t be an option, so we won’t talk hit men or murder or anything. You could convince a friend or a stranger to sleep with your ex so that he or she is happy and distracted. Or, just hope that your ex is trying to avoid you as much as you’re trying to avoid them; and then hope that your mutual avoiding won’t bring you both to the exact same place at the exact same time—like, say, the Matador. (MRC)

Best Santa Fe-centric knickknack you never knew you needed
As a born night owl, my wings are somewhat clipped in the ’Fe after 10 pm. Options are usually limited to what I call my “open-24-hours trifecta”: Dunkin’ Donuts, Arcade News on Cerrillos (meet me in booth No. 7, wink!) and the Walgreens on St. Francis Drive. I’ve had many Ambien-fueled shopping benders on all three, but the latter takes the cake thanks to its neverending array of the inexplicable and nontraditional Santa Fe souvenirs. Items like faux $100 casino chips and Creamsicle-hued hacky sacks ($1.99 a pop); beer koozies illustrated with 1980s stock photos and magnetic shot glasses for the drunkard who’s really on the go ($2.99 each); T-shirts emblazoned with the words “Santa Fe” and the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe ($6.99)—which, BTW, are made in Honduras (where’s your letter to the editor about that, Very Rev. Adam Lee Ortega y Ortiz?); and the say what? daddy of them all, an alien-green backscratcher with the message “I got scratched in Santa Fe” proudly displayed on its handle. Dear Convention and Visitors Bureau: If ever you’re looking for a new city motto, you know where to find it. (EL)

Best way to avoid talking to the media
If you are a public figure and you need to avoid a nosy journalist attempting to disturb your peace and quiet, take a page from Gov. Susana Martinez’ chief of staff, Keith Gardner. In the heat of a leaked email scandal last summer, Gardner, when approached by SFR, ran into an elevator before the reporter could catch him. When the elevator door closed, Gardner told the reporter, “I’m sorry.” If you don’t have the convenience of an elevator near you, sprinting to your car in the parking lot may do the trick. When SFR approached New Mexico Coalition for Literacy Executive Director Heather Heunermund about a story earlier this year, she dashed to her car in the parking lot and drove off as a reporter followed after her with his hand raised. Of course, these actions are always predicated by the first and most important step: never returning a reporter’s phone calls or email messages. Recently, both the governor’s office and the Public Education Department have made an art form out of ignoring SFR’s inquiries. (JP)

Best place to be a sad-sack
When I came back from Los Angeles, I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was disappointed in myself for failing; I missed someone more than words can say; and I had said all that mean stuff about Santa Fe before leaving, which resulted in more than a few colorful run-ins about town. I was straight sad, friends, and though I won’t claim I feel great about any of it, I have worked through some of those feelings by spending a lot of time weeping at the Cross of the Martyrs (600 Paseo de Peralta). Not only does it provide a glorious view of downtown Santa Fe at sunset, but the brick walkway emblazoned with the names of those who died for a cause also remind me that I am totally still alive and have the rest of my life to do anything I feel like. Folks who also take this walk are usually respectfully quiet, so even if there are others around, your soul-searching pity-fests won’t be interrupted as they sometimes are in other places around Santa Fe. Yeah, life can be rough, but sometimes you’ve just gotta climb a hill, look out on a beautiful city and quote to yourself from Kurt Vonnegut’s Slapstick: “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” (ADV)

Best place to meet your soulmate
Not all experiences related to crosses on hills are sad. Even we vile atheists at the Santa Fe Reporter know the best place to meet your soulmate in Santa Fe is, incidentally, also the Cross of the Martyrs. For one, the location offers a view that’s basically better than any cinematic depiction of a makeout hill. Just think about it; this spot’s worthy of even James Dean. Beyond the shimmering lights of Santa Fe, the scenic overlook offers a breathtaking view of all the relevant mountain ranges—the Jemez, the Sandias, the Sangre de Cristos. Secondly, atop the hill is a cross, and if you believe in souls, there’s gotta be some sort of significance in catching an amorous, fetching glance under a cross. Right? (JH)

 

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