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Home / Articles / News / Local News /  Stay Classy, Albuquerque!
stay-classy

Stay Classy, Albuquerque!

Hey KRQE, need more ideas for “news” broadcasts? Start here

June 4, 2013, 12:00 am
By SFR

Last week, KRQE-News 13 (Albuquerque’s CBS affiliate) got all nasty on us. During an evening broadcast, anchor Dick Knipfing (whose name has not been changed, unfortunately for him) opened with an assertion that SFR’s recent reporting—on FBI interviews related to a lucrative racino lease awarded in 2011 to a politically connected company [news, May 29: “Downs Doings”]—was “not accurate.”

Dick, Dick, Dick. You’ve been doing this a long time.

What’s the No. 1 rule of journalism? Report the truth. (KRQE has offered no proof that SFR’s reporting is inaccurate; in fact, evidence has emerged to confirm it.) What’s the No. 2 rule of journalism? Get both sides of the story. (KRQE never called SFR for a comment and, since the broadcast aired, has refused to return our many messages requesting a correction.)

So, following our dear competitor’s school of ethics, we figured we’d offer a few sample headlines for potential future “news” broadcasts.

—Alexa Schirtzinger


New KRQE online poll now shows KRQE is now more reputable than The Onion among Sandia Crest residents.

A Santa Fe alternative newspaper recently put out its summer arts preview—which it dubbed “Art Attack!” Our medical insiders claim it was not a full-blown art attack but rather an overplayed art murmur.

Amid rumors of a possible FBI probe on Susana Martinez’ inner circle, the governor still manages to grow prize-winning petunias. Her secret for flowering perfection revealed during an exclusive sit-down.

BREAKING: Local news channel broadcasts inaccurate story that Andy Kaufman is alive and kicking in Albuquerque. Hold on, I’m being told that was us.

Sharply conflicting reports about a Bigfoot sighting outside a popular Central Avenue eatery, tonight. Witnesses on the scene clarify that it was just a really large, hairy man, but we’ll stick with the Yeti angle because we like fucking with you.

Stay tuned for our “Who would you rather?” Tres Lagunas wildfire evictee edition.

The question on everyone’s mind: Seriously, how does Susana Martinez get those majestic petunias?

Webcam setup outside KRQE studios vandalized. Fabricated sources say perpetrator was either Andy Kaufman or Bigfoot. We’ll do a live coin-toss to decide who it was today at 4:30.

A type of burrito you probably ate in the last week will either kill you by tomorrow or give you super-human strength. Find out what kind [maybe] after the break.  

Shocking and literally gut-wrenching new practice among northern New Mexico’s leather community recently baptized as “dick knipfing.” Grueling details and a how-to guide at 10.

—Enrique Limón

 

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