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We’ve Seen That One, Too

Originality takes a backseat to explosions, bombast and bluster ‘cuz it’s summer, baby!

May 21, 2013, 12:00 am

It’s late May, but the summer movie season is upon us. Shit blew up in Iron Man 3, a new Star Trek installment is out (though is it really new?), and another bunch of meatheads drive cars. The dog days aren’t even here, and we’re already in a landscape of bankrupt ideas and fanboy raging. Such is movie life in the 21st century. Here’s what’s left as Hollywood tries to separate you from your money.

The Hangover III
There comes a time in every franchise’s life when its producers and studio must make a decision: Kill it or get the defibrillator. The Hangover II—which was the same movie as The Hangover, but not funny—deserved kill status. This installment looks different, sort of. Maybe not. But will it suck? It’s a good thing Zach Galifianakis’ charm goes a long way. (May 24)

After Earth
Will Smith and soon-to-be-emancipated son Jaden Smith star in this sci-fi tale of something mystical…oh, who gives a shit? Seriously. This movie has an original story by Will Smith and direction by M Night Shyamalan, which gives it the appeal of pissing up a flagpole. (June 7)

This is the End
This is the story of six friends (James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson) picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Actually, it’s not a rip-off of MTV’s The Real World; it only looks like it is. All of the guys in it are funny, but it was written and directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who remain on the suspect list since Rogen played that dopey cop in the otherwise funny Rogen-Goldberg-written Superbad. (June 12)

Man of Steel
With a story by Christopher Nolan and David S Goyer (The Dark Knight), consider me on board until further notice. The most recent trailer, which is as epic as most movies, looks like everyone is taking this Superman reboot seriously. Hopefully not too seriously. But then again, Nolan doesn’t really do frivolity, does he? (June 14)

World War Z
Zombies. Fast zombies. Expensive zombies. Brad Pitt and zombies. Big changes from the zombie novel. Lackluster trailer. Bored with zombies. (June 21)

White House Down
Wait. Gerard Butler saved the White House this year (Olympus Has Fallen), didn’t he? Do I have to sit through this crap again? At least this movie has Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx. (June 28)

The Lone Ranger
I would have loved to sit in on this pitch meeting. Producer: “Suits, let’s update a dead genre with a notoriously difficult history in the way it portrays Native Americans and cast Johnny Depp as Tonto.” Exec: “Green light! Can’t lose!” (July 3)

Grown Ups 2
How do guys who look like Adam Sandler and Kevin James have wives who look like Salma Hayek and Maria Bello? AND WHY ISN’T ROB SCHNEIDER IN THIS SEQUEL TO GROWN UPS? SCHEDULING CONFLICT MY ASS. (July 12)

Red 2
Hey, whippersnapper. Shootin’ guns ain’t just for the young’uns. Bruce Willis and Helen Mirren proved that with Red, and they’ll prove it again with Red 2. Do me a favor and load my Glock while I power nap, OK? (July 19)

Girl Most Likely
Kristen Wiig stars as a loser trying to put her life back together. If that sounds like Bridesmaids, you’re not crazy! But Bridesmaids is great fun, even if Wiig’s recent return to SNL wasn’t. (July 19)

The Wolverine
They should have called him “The Dork.” Hugh Jackman and his Adamantium claws return.
(July 26)

2 Guns
In this corner, we have Denzel Washington, phenomenal movie star and actor. In the other corner, we have Mark Wahlberg, inexplicably popular movie star and bad actor. GENTLEMEN: LET THE DICK MEASURING BEGIN. WE EVEN CALLED IT 2 GUNS! GET IT? (August 2)

Kick-Ass 2
This sequel to Kick-Ass will be worth seeing if only to gauge whether the thought police are more bothered by the language of the murderous child (Chloë Grace Moretz, who at 12 uttered the word “cunt”) than they are the actions of the murderous child. Because, you know, swearing is bad. Sticking a hatchet in a guy’s head? Whatevs. (August 16)


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