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Look! A Boring Dinosaur!

Do we really need 'Jurassic Park' 3-D? [meh]

April 2, 2013, 12:00 am

So Jurassic Park gets a big 3-D upgrade. Who cares? I didn’t see Jurassic Park during its first run because I don’t care about its story. I’m one of the few; so in other words, take this review advisedly.

That said, Jurassic Park is no good, and it’s no good in a wholly Steven Spielbergian manner.

While he’s managed to dilute the rottenness of Jurassic Park novelist Michael Crichton’s prose—of really popular writers, only Dan Brown and Stephenie Meyer are harder to read—he’s added all the crappy stuff that makes his later period blockbusters so irritating: the cardboard-thin supporting characters; the cardboard-thin leads; the dumb-clumsy sexuality; the forced cuteness; and how can there be this little of Jeff Goldblum in a movie that so desperately needs him?

Laura Dern looks great, but her character’s expertise in plant biology goes out the window when the dinosaurs get loose (though the T Rex does look great).

Why is she here, anyway? Why are the obnoxious kids here? Just to suffer? Like the audience?

And forget about the 3-D. It’s pointless and useless. Jurassic Park is just an excuse to grow monsters to chase and eat people, and the monsters do that in 2-D, too.

Directed by Steven Spielberg
With Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum
Regal Santa Fe Stadium 14
127 min.


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