June 28, 2016
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Bring a Barf Bag

'Safe Haven' just plain sucks [double barf]

February 12, 2013, 8:00 pm

There’s no polite way to describe Safe Haven, the latest in a seemingly never-ending series of Nicholas Sparks adaptations, so here’s the bottom line: It’s a piece of shit.

The story is so bland it’s insulting. The ending is so predictable and stupid, even a dim high school sophomore can see what’s coming.

That’s appropriate, because Sparks’ work is on par with a dim high school sophomore’s. Who else thinks it’s charming that two assholes with an asshole marriage live asshole lives and die together like assholes (The Notebook)? Or thinks it’s great to get two people together simply so one may die (Message in a Bottle)?

Safe Haven
’s story is typically Nicholas Sparks-shitty. A woman (Julianne Hough) escapes an abusive husband. She hides out in a town where only white people live. She falls in love with a widower (Josh Duhamel). Her past comes back to haunt her. There’s a big, predictable denouement.

The leads are dull. The townspeople are dull. The bad guy is absurd. And just wait until you learn what Cobie Smulders’ role is in this nonsense.

It’s time to fight back, people. Stop seeing movies like Safe Haven, and maybe Hollywood will stop making them.

Regal Santa Fe Stadium 14 / PG-13 / 115 min.


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