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No, seriously, don't watch.

Don’t Watch, Whatever You Do

'The Watch' is so bad it’s kind of unbelievable

August 1, 2012, 5:00 am

The Watch, which was called Neighborhood Watch until the Trayvon Martin shooting, has bigger problems than its title.

Here are two: First, a Costco security guard is murdered in small town Glenview, Ohio. The chief of police (Will Forte) challenges Glenview’s citizens to solve the crime. When he later runs into the guys who have formed a neighborhood watch (Ben Stiller as uptight leader; Vince Vaughn as fun-lover; Jonah Hill as fuck-up; Richard Ayoade as whacky outsider), he berates them and writes tickets for doing the exact thing he asked them to do.

Second, the watchmen discover aliens are invading their town and wearing the skins of their victims.

The watchmen come across an orgy while alien hunting. Ayoade has sex at the orgy and it’s the greatest moment of his life.

Spoiler alert: later, by gleefully slicing his hand and bleeding green blood, he shows the other watchmen he’s alien. He says he wants to warn them of an alien attack because they’ve become his friends. So…he can feel pleasure but not pain? We’re dealing with a movie that doesn’t play by its own rules. That wouldn’t be so bad if The Watch had, say, 100 laughs. Instead, there are about five.

Skip it.

The Watch
Directed by Akiva Schaffer
With Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill
Regal Santa Fe Stadium 14
98 min.
R

 

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