I’m not saying it’s easy to come up with a good band name. Hell, I spent years in a band called (don’t) shoot noah!, and the only thing worse than our stupid name was our stupid music. This whole crazy thing started at Hastings the other night with a look through one of the new music racks, and the discovery of some band called Iwrestledabearonce. In case that’s hard to read, it’s “I Wrestled a Bear Once.” Ludicrous. I mean, short of the band having one of those turn-of-the-century-Russian-fair strongmen shredding the guitar, I highly doubt anyone in the band wrestled much of anything, so I turned to my pal Steve and said something to the effect of, “This band better rule if they’re using a name like that.”
And wouldn’t you know it—they didn’t. Iwrestledabearonce sounds like Converge got down to some serious metalcore sucking and then invited the original singer from Journey to sing semi-electronic/Atreyu-esque breakdowns. Now I haven’t been a teen in a long-ass time, so it’s probably not aimed at me/my mom’s wallet, but I do wonder who tells these people with outrageous band names that their ridiculous crap is a good idea.
Look, I’m not the type of dude who thinks that a band’s name has anything to do with talent (there’s a black metal band called Arkhon Infaustus, and that isn’t a great name or even easy to remember and yet I love ’em), but I will say that I’m a little tired of these crazy metal/metalcore/mostly emo band names. As such, I picked out a few more bands with stupid names that I will now poke fun at. Oh, and I get that this doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but give a dude a break and let him have some fun for once!
This is Not A Game of Who The Fuck You Are
Eddie Izzard said this as a joke, but that doesn’t mean it immediately translates to an awesome band name. I guess we’re supposed to think this band is tough, but to me this sounds like the kind of thing some teenage girl says to her friends after Debbie shoots her a sidelong glance at the mall. I’d imagine dudes like Suicidal Tendencies or Agnostic Front would eat these clowns for breakfast, and I wonder what the members will think once they’re in their 50s and far too tired to say that many words in a row.
Texas is the Reason
Texas is the reason for what? Low standardized test scores? A whole mess of people who look at the South as a bunch of racist illiterates? I’ll even go so far as to say that this band has some great tunes, but with a name like that it’s almost like I don’t want to admit to anyone that I care.
Arsonists Get All the Girls
I doubt it. I mean, imagine yourself at a bar telling a woman, “Oh yeah, I burn stuff down for the psycho-sexual thrill of it.” Sounds like a one-way ticket to face-slap city. Despite a few killer riffs here and there, it’s just more run-of-the-mill crap you can hear played better by bands with cooler names.
The Devil Wears Prada
We Came As Romans
So what did you leave as? I can envision the band meeting that led to this name, and the skinny, tattooed, sockless weirdos who voted for it. “No, I don’t know what it means…probably nothing,” one of them would say. “But it sounds neat and it’ll look great on a poster at Best Buy.”
Wow. These dudes probably thought this would make them sound so cool, but boy were they wrong. If I’m supposed to think of Lucifer here, I don’t. I mostly think of emo jerks who probably spent more time on their hair than they did naming their band, and what it might look like when one of them trips over something because he was looking at his amazing reflection in a window.