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How I'd cast our local musicians

June 20, 2012, 12:00 am

That greatest of music-sharing haters, Lars Ulrich, is breaking into the world of acting (gross). Appearing as documentarian Joris Ivens in the upcoming HBO movie Hemingway & Gellhorn, Ulrich’s transition totally freaks me out. But it does, however, get me thinking about what kinds of roles I’d like to see some of my favorite local musicians tackle.

DJ Dirt Girl: Experimental Student Film
I say this in the most caring of ways—Dirt Girl is a weirdo. And it’s this one-of-a-kind oddness that perfectly lends itself to some freakjob’s student film. Maybe a black and white number in which Dirt Girl comes from the future and explains in an emotionless monotone, “All films are 30 seconds long in the future, and stories have gone by the wayside for soft drink commercials and government propaganda.” 

Paul Feathericci: Serial Killer Mystery
“But Feathericci is so nice, Alex!” you’re thinking. “He’d never kill anybody!” Not to worry, homies. I envision the D Numbers champ as a serial killer because he’s so damned friendly. Imagine how spooky his warm smiles and thoughtful demeanor would be if they led to a horrendous series of brutally graphic murders. First he’d lull his victims into a false sense of security by helping  them move or some other super-nice thing, then he’d end them. His many musical talents would allow him to score the film, and the descriptor “double-threat” would be thrown around by all the major publications.

Bill Hearne: Emotional Drama
The local flat-pickin’ legend sure has the whole politeness/charm thing down, and it’d be great to see him in a role as some kid’s grandpa. Throughout the film, Hearne would drop nuggets of wisdom in a tough-love fashion, and the family would feel complete. Then something terrible would happen, and his family is forever changed. “You can’t die, grampa, because I need you,” the grandson says. “Not because you’re family and not because you’ve always been there…I need you because you’re the only one who gets me.” Wait a sec—that’s Angus! Anyway, the audience bawls, the theatres rake in the profits and Hearne’s Oscar acceptance speech encourages Dwight Yoakam to suck it.

Alix Monasterio: Coming of Age Dramedy in which Teens Get Laid
Hahahahahaha! Sorry, Alix.

Kenny “DJ Saehwat” Simmons: Gritty Hip-Hop Film about the Streets
This character comes from a broken home and extreme poverty, but through the power of hip-hop and rap music, he rises above it all to become an immensely popular DJ/MC. Just when it seems he’ll finally escape the only world he’s ever known, that one last financially crucial drug deal ends violently, and Saewhat is forced to evade the craziest drug lord in the history of (insert major metropolitan city here). He has to save his mama and keep his woman safe, and the audience wants him to win. Simmons is praised for his emotional depth, and featured in magazines as the owner of the world’s largest hip-hop vinyl collection. 

Stephanie Hatfield: Musical Theatre Actress’ Meteoric Rise to Fame and Eventual Descent into Madness
Some years back, Hatfield made the role of Sally Bowles her bitch in a local production of Cabaret. It was a powerful performance that has me convinced she could take on this fictional role with ease. Here are the main plot points:
-Meager beginnings as part of a large Midwestern family
-Decides to run away from home and make it on Broadway
-Several hard years in which we think all is lost
-Last-minute discovery and subsequent years of success
-Slow train to Crazyville
-The comeback performance that makes everything worth it.
Hatfield is a great actor on top of her great musicianship, so we predict this film has one of the biggest box office openings ever.

What local troubadours would you cast in the ultimate summer blockbuster? You can now email me directly (yikes!) and sound off at You can also insult me via twitter: @SFRsA_Sharp


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