It’s been less than a year since we sat among squealing tweens and regarded with steely indifference the six-pack abs of New Moon’s teenage werewolf crew. Now, summer brings the third installment of the Twilight series: Eclipse. True to its name, Eclipse further obfuscates the muddy messaging of this book/movie phenomenon. Perhaps searching for meaning is a futile endeavor (we could, after all, just collect unicorn stickers instead). But since humans and vampires alike graduate from high school in this installment, it seems apropos to create a valedictory compendium of the life lessons Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and the gang imbibe and impart as they move forward in their lives/deaths.
Growing Up Means Letting Go
Especially if you’re going to grow up to become a vampire and never see your parents or friends again. Bright side: They’ll be dead in a few decades, anyway.
Parents Sometimes Just Don’t Get It…
Your boyfriend isn’t a control freak; he’s just keeping an eye on you to make sure you’re not murdered in a vampire vendetta. Also: Florida is out for college because he can’t go outside when it’s sunny.
Teenage Marriage Is Embarrassing
Abject codependence, on the other hand, is super-hot.
Sex Before Marriage Is Bad for Your Virtue
Old-fashioned? Don’t date someone from the 18th century if you want to get busy without a ring on your finger. Also, for the purposes of this discussion, “virtue” and “soul” are interchangeable.
You’re Allowed to Make Mistakes
As long as those mistakes don’t include having sex before marriage, becoming a vampire, getting too close to a werewolf when it’s phasing or getting bad press for going on a killing spree.
It’s OK to Take Risks
Just make sure an omnipotent vampire doctor is around to reset all of the bones on the right side of your body simultaneously.
Teenagers, Don’t Have Ménage à Trois
Even when doing so would solve a lot of problems.
An Oscar Nomination Will Not Increase Your Screen Time in This Movie
At least it didn’t for Anna Kendrick, whose character Jessica Stanley is the real valedictorian of Eclipse…despite having been a boy-crazy airhead in the last two movies, if memory serves.
Werewolves Are Hotter than Vampires
This isn’t just a clever double entendre (or even just the only clever piece of dialogue in the entire movie). It’s extremely useful information if you ever end up spending the night freezing to death in a tent even though you are fully clothed and in a sleeping bag.
Sometimes Being a Teenager Means You Feel Like You Don’t Belong Anywhere.
In which case, dying is a viable alternative. But, like, only if you get to come back to life and live forever.