***image1*** Practical spirituality for a complicated world.
Dear Robert,
I am a long time fan of your column. With Valentine's Day coming up next month, maybe you could write something about romance. It wouldn't matter if it was tailored to singles or married, or a gay or straight audience, because I'm sure you have readers of all groups. I also liked your suggestion for the bumper sticker, "one man plus one woman equals divorce." Any progress to report in that regard? Thank you for writing such an entertaining column.
GD, Santa Fe
Dear GD,
It is really nice hearing from you. I appreciate your kind words. I don't think anyone has ever described my column as "entertaining." I like that. Gracias. Also, by the time this gets published, it will already be February, with Valentine's Day just around the corner. Perhaps writing about romance would be perfect. I'll go ahead and tackle that topic. But, before I get started on romance, I have to ask if we're still allowed to say "Happy Valentine's Day?" Is it likely to offend anyone? The Elbownian Community doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day. Should we say, "Happy Holiday?" But, what if someone is not feeling so well? Instead of "Happy Holiday," should we say, "So-so Holiday?" Is it insensitive to send someone a Valentine card? Would it be intolerant to give someone a box of chocolates? Should we be more inclusive and offer them peppermints, toffees, caramels, carob, or maybe even a burrito? Personally, I've had a hankering lately for some really good Italian gorgonzola, or red chile gorditas from Los Potrillos.
Before we move on to romance, let's get the bumper stickers out of the way. I'm still waiting for some entrepreneur to print the "one man plus one woman equals divorce." I've even got some new ideas for him/her. What about, "one man plus one woman equals Bonnie and Clyde?" Or, "marriage equals Britney Spears and almost anyone?" Or this, "one Clinton plus a party dress equals disaster?" Do you realize that a $2.98 bottle of Spray-n-Wash could have saved us millions of dollars, and we'd have never heard of Ken Starr? My own personal favorite is, "Mind Your Own Business." That says it all.
I believe in romance and romantic love, but I don't know how to define it. I know what it feels like to have a romantic attachment to someone. I'm quite familiar with what it's like to be in love. I also know what it's like to be in love with someone who, for whatever reason, cannot return that devotion. Fortunately, I now have the experience of being in love with someone who reflects that back, so that the feeling is mutual. That is quite nice.
I think the problem many people have with the idea of romantic love, or being in love, is that they have a certain set of expectations or thought forms, and if things don't manifest exactly according to their preconceptions, they despair. I've seen it over and over. If you enter a relationship, expecting that the other person is always going to be young, thin and cute, you're bound to be disappointed. All that is great while it lasts, but, here in this material world, bodies age. They get wrinkles, and start to sag (not me personally, but I've heard about that happening to other people). We need to ask ourselves the question, "What are we in love with?" Before you make a commitment to another person, try to be sure that you're committing to them, not to an idea, or infatuation or fantasy. There is a great Garth Brooks song, "Unanswered Prayers." One of the lines, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers," goes a long way towards expressing how we're often so much better off when we don't get what (or whom) we're infatuated with. On the other hand, a little romantic fantasy, once in a while, never hurt anyone. Thanks, Garth.
It seems that there is something within us that desires the feeling that we're special to another person. I've heard of people having "open relationships," and "seeing other people." Undoubtedly, that works for some people. It has never been something that I wanted. In the past, there were times I enjoyed being alone, and times I yearned for a one-on-one relationship. I've had that now for 22 years, and I wouldn't dream of changing it. For one thing, dating nowadays is akin to trying to picnic in Afghanistan. I think this holds true for gays and straights, alike. It's literally a minefield or battlefield. Nobody seems to know what's expected of him/her. That doesn't appear to leave much room for romance, does it?
You'd be surprised how often I'm asked what the secret of my 22 year long relationship is. I'm not aware of any secret, but I have learned a few things in the process. A relationship is seldom what they call 50/50, give and take. Sometimes, it's 30/70, sometimes 48/52, or 90/10. It depends on how things develop as we shift, grow and change. Flexibility is a definite asset. So is friendship. We are best friends. We enjoy each other's company. We've learned, through trial and error, when to speak up and when to shut up. James has also learned to say those three little, but very, very important words... "You were right." I am in the enviable position of knowing that no matter how cold, dark, or scary the world might get, there is one other person who loves and treasures me above all else, and the feeling is mutual. That is a very special blessing to have. I lived many years without it, so that makes my gratitude for it today even deeper.
I know there is such a thing as romance, as romantic love, and as being in love. I've been blessed with all three in this lifetime. It is undoubtedly karmic, because I never went consciously looking for it. Perhaps that is why it found me. It seems that whenever we feel desperate, it creates a barrier, an energetic that actually keeps our heart's desire away. Besides, we have to find ourselves, to be there for ourselves, before we can ever do it for another. Thanks again for your email. OM
Dear Robert,
I'll keep my question short, but sweet. My girlfriends and I are all professional, attractive women. Why can't we find sensitive, kind, caring, good-looking men to date?
Stumped in Santa Fe
Dear Stumped in Santa Fe,
I'll keep my answer short, but sweet. Those men already have boyfriends. OM
To ask Robert a question, visit his website at www.RobertOdom.com, email desertrj@msn.com or send mail to PO Box 33, Santa Fe, NM 87504.
Santa Fe Reporter