Game of Thrones for Noobs XXIV

The Story Thus Far
While the nerd-world all flipped their shit over the leaking of this episode, the rest of us waited because we're good people. And also because last week was crammed with madness: Uncle Greyjoy brought his prisoners (and Cersei was all smug about killin' 'em softly, or at least slowly), Olenna was poisoned, Snow and Daenerys joined forces, Pudgy Junior cured Jorah's stone-itis and Bran and Sansa were reunited at long last whereupon Sansa learned Bran had been imbued with the powers of Max Von Tree-Dow. Get ready for spoilers, dorkuses—it's Game of Thrones for Noobs!

The Gist

Eight bazillion horses and soldiers trod across the grassy fields of wherever-the-hell as Jamie “Sister-Fucker” Lannister takes a long hard look at his gold. His pal, the Baron Von Chinstrap (aka Bron), sasses him about this ’n’ that and wants to know why he can’t have a castle. “It’s logistics, man,” Jamie tells him. “Also, you a bitch.” Chinstrap rides off to put the screws to some poor farmers; Jamie’s golden hand sparkles in the afternoon sun. Before you know it, though, we're back in King’s Landing, where Cersei is meeting with the manager of the local Iron Bank branch. He’s a stickler for math, but Cersei calms his fears by showing him her cool balcony map painting. The guy literally says “Fallen into deep arrears,” so … there’s that.

In the North, Oat-Bran Stark admires Baelish's dagger, which I've been led to believe is going to be important somehow later. Baelish reminds Bran of his life story for some reason (read: probably exposition for people just joining now), but there's a certain level of admiration in his tone. Bran freaks him out with his mastery of seeing through time and space, but his little buddy (the girl … I don't know her name, but she pulled him along in the sled through the snow last year) interrupts before Baelish's brain fully full-on explodes.

"You never get pulled around in a sled anymore," says the girl, "and I have no other marketable skills."
"Cool, see ya," Bran says emotionlessly.
"People I loved died for you, Oat-Bran!" the girl exclaims.
"Cool, bye," Bran says.
And so she leaves, as unimportant in this moment as she ever was in life.

Arya finally fucking reappears, and it’s about time because she’s pretty much the coolest now. She’s returned home to Winterfell, but the jerks at the door are not friendly. Also, their hats are dumb as shit. If they only knew she kills anyone and everyone she can, they’d probably be less glib. They finally let her in for the Stark Family Reunion 2017; this has been a good few days for Sansa indeed. The sisters gush about Snow briefly and check out the state of their dead dad, Boromir, and make promises to catch up on everything they’ve been up to. It’s weird because we thought Arya gave up her name and her family and everything in exchange for killing superpowers, but maybe when everyone is about to get the fuck killed by ice zombies or dragons or ice zombies riding dragons or killer dragons who when they breathe fire ice zombies also shoot out of their mouths—wait, what am I talking about? Who knows. Arya and Bran reunite, though, and she’s immediately sick of his stuck-up vision powers because now he’s all stoic to the point of utter fucking smugness.

Back in Dragonville, Snow and Daenerys hit the beach, partly because they’re Top Gun fans, but also because today’s the day they’re hitting the dragonglass mines. ‘Tis a rich mine, indeed, and for the first time everyone unclenches their sphincters. Like the cave paintings of Lascaux, artworks adorn the walls of the mine. They tell a story: first men, the coming together or armies to fight the ice zombies since time immemorial (there are ice zombie representations as well). Danny’s finally getting it and agrees to loan Snow her dragons and her armies—IF he bends the knee. Ohmygod. It’s kinda sexual here as she closes in and says something like, “You’re a good leader, but your pride is wack!” and, “My type is bastards who died and came back to life.”

As they leave, Tyrion lets 'em know that Fraggle Rock was indeed taken, but that the Lannister armies also cut off the food supplies. Daenerys says some shitty stuff about how Tyrion was maybe faking it because he still cares for his family, but she also seeks Snow's advice. It is pretty much "dragons are cool." Tell us something we don't know, idiot. The stage is set for them to bone down, but Snow also learns from Danny's homegirl (the former slave) that her homeland doesn't have marriage. Davos likes this idea despite how nobody ever wanted to marry him. They both get a lesson in politics from the young woman just as Theon arrives in Dragontown by sea. Snow knows he's a little bitch (as does everyone he's ever met) but he doesn't kill him because of that time he helped Sansa do …… something, I dunno. The Dothraki guys watch from the background with beards flapping in the ocean breeze.

Back in the hinterlands, where Jamie and the Baron Von Chinstrap hang around harassing farmers and being jerks, that dude Dickon is back, square head and all. He’s never been to war before and Jamie ’n’ Chinstrap ain’t helping. It’s a beautiful day right up until the impending arrival of … something. Dickon starts to freak, shield guys line up, spears are prepared, the music swells and thunder rumbles in the distance—BA BLAM!!! IT’S THE EFFING DOTHRAKI GUYS AND THEY’VE GOT A LUST FOR BLOOOOOOOOOD! It ain’t gonna get worse for Jamie until the dragons arrive too.

Daenerys burns almost everyone alive as her barbarian buddies whoosh in to slash the survivors’ throats. The dragon circles back around, recharged and ready to burn more and more fools. Jamie and Chinstrap let out a simultaneous, “Oh, fuck this!” but before anyone can say jinx, they realize the true magnitude of the dragon’s powers. Somehow the principal cast members repeatedly escape the explosive flames, but that’s showbiz, and the scythe-wielding Dothrakis (or is it just “Dothraki,” like deer?) clean up the stragglers. Chinstrap’s horse gets his legs chopped right the hell off and he absconds into the fray of the fiery battlefield; he’s a good fighter, but there’s no way he’s taking down a dragon … unless … oh, zam! He found some big-ass trebuchet which, as you may recall, we learned awhile ago is great for killing dragons—in theory, anyway. He loads the thing, aims for the dragon and blasts him but good. But it is never ever ever enough, and though wounded, the thing really only slows down a tad. It lands and Jamie observes Danny trying to help it. He gallops in while Tyrion, on a nearby hill, notices this and calls his brother a “fucking idiot.” Swish. And just when we think Jamie’s about to bite the big one, Chinstrap dives in, pushes him out of the way and into the nearby lake. Fade to black as Jamie, weighed down by his totally heavy armor, sinks into the depths. Is he dead? Well, we’ll just have to wait 'til next time.

Santa Fe Reporter