June 24, 2017
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Anson Stevens-Bollen

It’s News to Me…

January 4, 2017, 12:00 am

Happy New Year, Bob! I’m seeing a lot of stuff about the role fake news played in the presidential election. You must be very proud, since that’s your line of work.
No. I deal in sarcasm, smartass observations, infantile silliness, outright absurdity and occasional satire, but not fake news.

What’s the difference between your stuff and fake news?
About 96 additional IQ points per reader. I want to amuse people, not deliver a false tale designed to make them act impetuously in anger. Unlike fake news, my columns aren’t meant to fool anybody.

I’m not seeing the difference.
The news I riff on in Blue Corn comes from real stories gathered by real local journalists who get their real asses out on the street, talk to legitimate sources and carefully craft balanced reports. It is a noble profession, and if you do it right, a lot of important people are pissed off at you a lot of the time.

And fake news?
That comes from some pimply-faced little cretin working at a snot-encrusted laptop in his parents’ dank basement crawling with water bugs. Maybe in Moscow, maybe in Macedonia or maybe in Tesuque. This crap-lizard has an agenda, and his idiotic stories carry weight only in that if he can get enough half-wits to believe them, they can do enormous damage…

Hey! Bob! Sorry to interrupt you, but I see that Santa Fe’s Cathedral Basilica is being turned into a Muslim mosque! Boy, does that ever refry my beans! It says here they’re going to put a burqa on Our Lady of Guadalupe. Not on my watch, buster!
Sigh. Where did you read that?

On Facebook. Some guy I never heard of just posted a link to an Acme News story.
Okay, where do I begin? That burqa detail is designed to have you frothing at the mouth, and apparently it’s working.

Is that right? Well, for your information, my favorite alt-right radio commentator is reporting the same thing now, too!
Who is he quoting?

The Acme News story. So that’s two sources.
No, it’s still one source, and a bad one. That’s how fake news works.

Look at this! Acme News says some guy went to Christus St. Vincent to get his tonsils out, and liberal surgeons forced him to have a sex change operation!
Give me strength.

Bob! Bob! Acme News says the Santa Fe Kiwanis Club is coming for our guns, in spite of the 18th Amendment! This is bad!
Sweet little baby Jesus. I guess if they can roll over our precious 18th Amendment rights, resistance is futile!

That sounded like sarcasm.
Yes, mixed with feigned ignorance. My trademark.

This Acme story here says eating a single Frito pie can sterilize a man overnight!
Interesting. May I treat you to an extra- large one?



Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


 

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