We here at SFR love going to the movies. Sure, television sneakily became the superior creative ecosystem, but there’s still magic to be had in going to a theater and enjoying Hollywood’s best (and worst) releases. Hold onto that idea and let’s take a quick look at the upcoming year in cinema. (Alex De Vore)
Jan. 6, PG
With Taraji P Henson, Janelle Monáe and Octavia Spencer
As the story of black, female mathematicians who helped John Glenn (RIP) orbit the mother-effing planet, this is another one of those, “Oh man, my history classes seriously sucked!” movies that will probably make a bunch of us cry.
Jan. 13, not yet rated (hopefully R, but probably PG-13)
With Jamie Foxx
Foxx continues to systematically destroy his post-Ray goodwill as a Las Vegas cop who must take on the mob-run casinos to rescue his teenage son. We already saw Taken, but we have to admit there’s always something awesome about seeing a middle-aged dude go apeshit and kill everyone he comes across. Fingers crossed for that R rating.
XXX: The Return of Xander Cage
Jan. 20, R
With Vin Diesel
YES! We don’t even care if this is stupid, we still like Vin Diesel because of The Iron Giant and we still like explosions because of explosions! Anyway, Xander Cage is back, apparently, and in his extreme-athlete-turned-spy fashion, he’ll take on an evil warrior who wields some terrifying super-weapon. Sold!
Feb. 3, R
With Vincent D’Onofrio, Johnny Galecki and Aimee Teegarden
Like some sort of poorly executed CGI deer, Rings gallops into our nightmares to continue the horror franchise’s reign of terror. Once again, that spooky videotape that gets people killed is, uh, getting people killed, but a woman discovers there’s another movie hidden within the movie and then we bet some other stuff happens.
Feb. 10, R
With Ewan McGregor, Johnny Lee Miller, Kelly Macdonald and Robert Carlyle
OK, what? Why is this happening? Well anyway, the original cast reunites to probably do heroin and be in a bunch of scenes that are like, “Remember when this thing happened the first time around? HERE WE GO AGAIN!”
The Great Wall
Feb. 17, PG-13
With Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe and Andy Lau
White dudes mysteriously affect Chinese history in this epic set during the construction of the Great Wall. Matt “Remember that time he said that weirdly racist thing to that poor black woman on TV” Damon stars as a mercenary who comes to town for the express purpose of shooting arrows at people.
March 3, R
With Hugh Jackman, Stephan Merchant and Patrick Stewart
Jackman reportedly took a hefty pay cut to to encourage the movie studio to make Logan violent enough to need an R rating, and once again we’ll get more backstory about Wolverine and his gruff-yet-lovable ways. If it’s anything like the Alpha Flight comics from whence he came, he’ll probably just be stuck in a crevasse for 120 minutes while Caliban steals all of Canada’s maple syrup.
March 24, not yet rated (probably PG-13)
With Elizabeth Banks, Bryan Cranston and a bunch of kids you’ve never heard of and who we’ll all forget about immediately after
The ’90s kid’s show about super-powered kung-fu teens with preposterous dinosaur-themed robot tanks gets the big screen/it’s-gritty-now treatment and will surely result in bonkers action. Spoiler alert: We bet they win.
Ghost in the Shell
March 31, not yet rated (probably R)
With Scarlett Johansson, Juliette Binoche and Michael Pitt
Johansson stars in this whitewashed adaptation of the celebrated anime film about a super-soldier who can turn invisible sometimes and gets swept up in a series of events that result in a bunch of people getting beaten up, shot or both.
Going in Style
April 7, PG-13
With Christopher Lloyd, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine
Zach Braff directs this tale of three old bastards who plan a heist and make cute little jokes about how aging sucks. We’d be worried if it weren’t for the stellar cast and, God help us, we actually love Zach Braff … Scrubs 4 Lyphe!
Fast & Furious 8
April 14, R
With Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson and Charlize Theron
A bunch of dudes with big arms drive cars fast while Charlize Theron is like, “Thanks for the paycheck, suckers!” in the eighth installment in the series about dudes with big arms who drive cars fast. Apparently there is a betrayal of some kind, too.
April 28, not yet rated
With Emma Watson, Tom Hanks and John Boyega
Watson plays a young business dynamo who is advised by Hanks to live her life with transparency, but this might be hard or at least cause a conflict of some kind. Dave Eggers wrote the novel on which it’s based and worked on the script.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
May 5, PG-13
With Chris Pratt, Karen Gillan, Zoe Saldana and Sylvester Stallone
Starlord and company once again adventure on the edges of the Marvel Comics universe in this hotly anticipated sci-fi sequel starring Chris Pratt’s abs. We are oh-so-excited, especially for this one dude called Taserface.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
May 12, not yet rated
With Charlie Hunnam, Katie McGrath and Jude Law
Guy Ritchie (Snatch) walked into a pitch meeting somewhere and sold a movie about a wise-crackin’ streetwise Arthur who knows the underbelly of London and runs a gang. And the people who heard this were into it. Picture that when you start hearing about this movie.
May 26, PG-13
With Dwayne Johnson, Alexandra Daddario and Zac Efron
Before you flip out about this, you should know some of the minds behind MTV’s brilliantly absurd ’90s sketch comedy troupe, The State, are behind the scenes. As far as we can tell, it’s basically like that 21 Jump Street reboot but with lifeguards.
June 2, PG-13
With Gal Gadot, Robin Wright and Chris Pine
The train wreck that was Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was almost worth it thanks to Gadot’s badass portrayal of Diana Prince, so we’re actually kind of hoping this will also kick ass … y’know, so long as Jesse Eisenberg stays the hell out of it. Anyway, it’s about an Amazon princess who leaves her home to Amazon-it-up out in the world.
June 9, PG-13
With Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella and Anabelle Wallis
Say what thou wilt about 1999’s The Mummy with Brendan Fraser—it was like getting a bonus (albeit extra-dumb) Indiana Jones movie. So, naturally, they’ve chosen to remake the thing with Tom “The Last Movie Star” Cruise who must fight a mummy who comes back to life and does mummy stuff.
June 16, PG
With the voice of Owen Wilson and surely some other people
A living car learns that other living cars are faster than him, but that he can probably also be faster.Pixar’s oh-so-adorable character design will continue to confound a generation of parents who just kind of wanted to see The Mummy.
July 7, PG-13
With Tom Holland, Marisa Tomei and Michael Keaton
Marvel finally casts something properly to tell the tale of a nerdy young science dweeb who is instilled with the power of spiders. Looks like we can skip the origin story this time (thank goodness), but we’ll still see him try to learn how his powers work against
Keaton as The Vulture.
War for the Planet of the Apes
July 14, PG-13
With Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Judy Greer and Steve Zahn (whom my old roommate has a huge crush on)
The Apes movies keep on surprising us with how awesome it is to see a chimp on a horse firing an assault rifle, and it’s sure to happen again in this installment of the once Franco-heavy series. Seems like super-genius ape Caesar is still mad about not being seen as equal to humans, so he and his ape posse are going to go to war.
July 21, PG-13
With Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy and Mark Rylance
Christopher Nolan directs this gripping tale of allied soldiers attempting to get the hell out of some harrowing battle during World War II.
The Emoji Movie
August 4, not yet rated (probably PG)
With the voices of TJ Miller, James Corden and Ilana Glazer
If you’re thinking, “Alex, I’m not pissed off enough today,” then don’t worry, because this is a kid’s movie about fucking emojis who live in a town called Textopolis inside your smartphone. WHY WAS THIS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?!
August 11, not yet rated (probably R)
With Lily James, Jon Hamm and Kevin Spacey
Setting aside the awful title, Baby Driver comes to us from British filmmaker Edgar Wright, the visionary comedic genius behind the Cornetto trilogy and Scott Pilgrim. The story of a beautiful young getaway driver, this looks like your basic heist movie, but Wright always surprises with his hysterics.
August 18, not yet rated (probably R)
With Nina Dobrev, Charlotte McKinney, Diego Luna and Ellen Page
We’re gonna reserve judgment because Dobrev is a DeGrassi alum, but this still might be destined for the this-shouldn’t-have-been-remade ash heap. Flatliners follows medical students who work out how to visit the afterlife. But ruh-roh—they might have brought something back. Something scary. Something like ghosts.
Sept. 1, not yet rated (we don’t even know where it’s playing)
With Michaela Schaffrath, Naomi Grossman and Tony Todd
This is quite literally a movie about Nazi zombies who ride flying sharks. We don’t know how you’ll find it, but if you do work it out, one thing’s for sure—you probably love weed.
Sept. 8, R
With Bill Skarsgård, Javier Botet and Finn Wolfhard
The film that launched a thousand cases of coulrophobia, It centers around a bunch of small-town weirdos nobody likes as they deal with bummer issues like being alive, being bullied and an evil, sewer-dwelling clown monster named Pennywise. Stephen King is like, “Thanks for the money, jerks!” as he laughs all the way back to his mega-mansion.
Sept. 22, not yet rated (probably PG-13)
With Gael García Bernal
Yeah, they’re bringing Zorro back, so he’ll probably be like, “I’m going to get revenge for something and carve Zs into people’s shirts and kiss some beautiful women while doling out vigilante justice for the regular Joes of this workaday frontier world!” García Bernal takes on the role, which, if you think about it, is one of the most enduring in cinema history.
Blade Runner 2049
Oct. 6, not yet rated (probably PG-13)
With Jared Leto, Ryan Gosling and Ana de Armas
Leto and Gosling team up to be super-good-looking replicants (or do they?!) in a remake of a movie based on a book by Philip K Dick, who really hated the police. Expect sci-fi weirdness, noodles and lots of neon.
Friday the 13th
Oct. 13, R
With actors, probably, we just don’t know who yet
The remakes keep a-coming, this time in the form of the horror classic about hockey mask enthusiast Jason Voorhees and his mom. We don’t actually know if it’s his mom this time, but we do know he’ll probably kill teenagers who were just looking to bone down in the woods.
Oct. 27, R
With Tobin Bell and other people, we bet
As October is all about horror, this movie is coming out. Will the nefarious serial killer Jigsaw kill more people even though he died, like, seven movies ago? Probably! Will their deaths be outrageous and make you wonder who on earth thinks this stuff up? You bet! Should you wait for either video or the dollar theater? Absolutely!
Nov. 3, PG-13
With Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Hopkins and Benedict Cumberbatch
Are there too many superhero movies these days? Kind of, but God help us, we’re not gonna stop ‘em from getting made (especially since Dr. Strange is gonna be in this one).
Nov. 17, PG-13
With Amy Adams, Gal Gadot, Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, JK Simmons, Jesse Eisenberg and about a bazillion other people
Continuing their stranglehold on comics fans who already saw all the other Marvel movies, DC Entertainment presents this star-studded affair about the super-friends themselves, the Justice League. Imagine, if you will, a non-Avengers group of superheroes who work together to fight absurd sci-fi-ish crimes against humanity.
Murder on the Orient Express
Nov. 22, PG-13
With Daisy Ridley, Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Judi Dench and Kenneth Branagh
Now we’re talkin’! Agatha Christie’s timeless murder mystery set on a fancy-ass train is bound to be worth a watch so long as Depp keeps it cool. Branagh plays Poirot, and while he’s no Albert Finney, he certainly is British.
Star Wars: Episode VIII
Dec. 15, PG-13
With Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill and Oscar Issac
You know the deal—and if not, that’s on you.
Pitch Perfect 3
Dec. 22, PG-13
With Rebel Wilson, Anna Kendrick and Elizabeth Banks
Somehow this college a cappella group just keeps on going and going and going. And going. There will be songs you know, but just hope Donald Faison winds up in there again somehow because we love him. Seriously, though—Scrubs.
Dec. 31, not yet rated (probably PG-13)
With Jake Gyllenhaal, Tatiana Maslany and Clancy Brown
Based on the events surrounding the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, a survivor helps the police search for the killers while dealing with his own post-explosion issues. Maslany (Orphan Black) is in this thing and we bet it’s super-intense.