Savage Love

I'm having an issue with my boyfriend, and I don't know if I am the crazy, paranoid, controlling party here. We have been together for more than a year and a half. We had troubles early on because he has a low sex drive. It made me very insecure, and I think that's why, at the time, I became extremely jealous of his friendship with his very attractive intern. I fully owned up to my irrational jealousy and decided on my own that it was my responsibility to overcome that. She eventually stopped working with him, and they haven't been in contact for over sex months. Fast-forward to the present. On Monday night, I asked my boyfriend what his plans were on Tuesday. (I am studying for law school exams, so I knew I wouldn't have time to spend with him.) Around 8:30 on Tuesday, he texted me and asked how studying was going, and I asked him again what his plans were. He told me he was going to meet an "old coworker" at a bar for birthday drinks. I didn't think twice about it. Then, around 11:30 when I got in bed to relax, I saw on my Instagram feed that his old intern posted a photo of her birthday party at the bar. I became extremely upset, because instead of being up front and saying he was meeting HER for her birthday, he was intentionally ambiguous. I confronted him when he got home, and he admitted to being ambiguous to avoid a "freak-out." I told him that if he'd been up front with me, I would have been jealous but I would have also been mindful of my toxic feelings and not projected them onto him. I told him that as a result of how he handled it, I feel worse, I feel lied to, and I feel insecure. He acted like I was being ridiculous. He insisted it was a last-minute invite and he didn't want to cause any drama. We went to sleep, and I woke up feeling pretty much over it. But when he got into the shower, I looked at his phone and saw that she had actually invited him on Monday afternoon. So he lied to me when I asked him what his plans were on Tuesday, and he lied to me again when he said it was a last-minute invite. I am not upset with him for getting drinks with her—most of his friends are female and I NEVER feel jealous about them. I have a weird tic about this girl, though, and I've owned up to it. I don't want to control him, but I feel like I can't trust him now. Up until now, I've never once suspected him of being dishonest.

-Am I Crazy?

Sex months? Interesting typo.

There's another way to read your boyfriend's ambiguity/obfuscation/dishonesty about Tuesday night: equal parts considerate and self-serving. Your boyfriend knew you had to study, he knew his ex-intern is a sore subject/weird tic, and by opting for ambiguity he allowed you to focus on your studies. So that was maybekindasorta considerate of him. And since one person's "mindful of my toxic feelings" and "handling it" is another person's "freak-out" and "invasion of privacy," AIC, your boyfriend opted for ambiguousness/deceit-by-omission to avoid drama. And perhaps that was self-serving of him.

Want to prove to your boyfriend that he didn't need to lie to you about spending time with his ex-intern? Retroactively bestow your blessing on Tuesday night's birthday drinks and stop raking him over the fucking coals for his thoroughly explicable actions. (They're so explicable, I just explicked the shit out of them.) Yes, he lied to you. But unless you're made of marshmallow fluff and unicorn farts, AIC, you've lied to him once or twice over the last year and a half. Even the "most honest" people on earth tell the odd harmless, self-serving white lie once in a while. If you want your relationship to last, AIC, you roll your eyes at the odd HSSW lie and move on. If you want your relationship to end, you do exactly what you're doing.

If your boyfriend hasn't given you some other reason(s) to believe he's cheating with his ex-intern or anyone else, AIC, drop the Tuesday night/birthday drinks subject. I would also advise you to apologize to your boyfriend for having "looked at his phone" while he was in the shower, which is both an asshole move and, yes, a sign that you might be the crazy, paranoid, and controlling one in this relationship. And for the sake of your relationship—for the sake of fuck—stop following the ex-intern on Instagram.

Finally, AIC, you mention mismatched sex drives. As several commenters pointed out on my blog, where your letter appeared as the Savage Love Letter of the Day, mismatched sex drives are usually a bad sign. You talk about the libido issue in the past tense, so perhaps it's not a problem anymore. But if the problem was resolved in a way that left you feeling neglected, insecure, and frustrated, it wasn't resolved and it constitutes a much bigger threat to your relationship than that ex-intern.

I'm a 35-year-old man in a serious relationship—the best I've ever been in—with a girl I'll likely marry. I'm happy with monogamy, aside from one aspect: I have a foot fetish that's getting stronger with age and I can't bear the thought of never sucking another girl's toes again. I should note that my girlfriend is more than happy to shove her feet in my mouth, but I fantasize almost constantly about other women's feet. I'm tempted to find paid foot-girls, something I've done in the past but never while in a relationship. But that would be cheating, right? I don't think I can bring myself to ask for my girlfriend's blessing, and I'd be shocked if she offered it. What do I do?

-Fear Of Missing Out On Feet

You bring yourself to ask, FOMOOF, even if you have to drag your ass there. If your girlfriend is sex-positive—if she's not just shoving her feet in your mouth to shut you up—initiate conversations about your kinks (and hers), your sexual history (and hers), and sexual adventures you might want to have with her in the future (and ones she might want to have with you). If she's curious and interested and upbeat during these convos and about your kinks, suggest going to a foot fetish party together—one where you can suck other women's toes and other men can suck hers.

I'm a man who is sexually attracted to trans women. I've been told that if I'm attracted to women, it shouldn't matter what genitals they have. I've also been told that if I like penis, it shouldn't matter if the owner presents as male or female. Am I unfairly fetishizing trans women?

-Gain Understanding Into Loving Trans

You're attracted to women, GUILT, some women have penises, and you find penis-having women particularly attractive. If you're not attracted to men with penises and you're not attracted to men like Buck Angel, i.e., trans men with vaginas, then you're not attracted to men generally, cock or no cock. So long as you can state your preferences in a way that doesn't dehumanize the people you are attracted to or denigrate the people you aren't attracted to, GUILT, you have nothing to feel self-conscious or guilty about.

Earlier this month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week's column. Here we go…

I've heard so many horror stories and seen countless X-rays online—any tips for making sure I don't lose any objects in my ass?

You know what you never see in those X-rays? Butt plugs and other toys designed for butt play. Stick to butt plugs with flared bases, dildos with bases that look like balls, orange traffic cones, etc., and you'll be fine.

How common is it really for women to squirt? I get conflicting reports.

This answer, courtesy of the Kinsey Institute, isn't likely to satisfy you: "Somewhere from 10 to 54 percent of women experience some type of fluid expulsion in tandem with sexual arousal and orgasm." Maybe the incoming Trump administration can put the scientists they're pulling off climate change onto female ejaculation and we'll have better numbers before the 2018 midterm elections.

How do I get my partner—who says he's into it—to top me "properly," i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?

There are lots of terrific pro doms in Portland, Oregon. Hire one who's up for showing your partner what proper topping looks like.

Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months. How do we break it to my wife's family? Half of them don't know I'm trans and will be carrying, and we don't want to lie, but also we don't want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.

Telling your partner's family you're trans isn't going to decouple you. You'll still be "just a couple," it's just that one of you is trans. Since you're not going to be able to hide which one of you is pregnant—not in the Twitter/Instagram/Facebook era—the sooner you tell them, the sooner they'll have their freak-outs, and the sooner they'll return to seeing you as the couple you always were and still are.

My partner/husband of 40 years says I still embarrass him. Is this unusual?

If he says it affectionately and occasionally, it's not a problem and it's not unusual. If he says it to degrade/humiliate/control you, it's a problem and it's unacceptable.

How do white people talk to black people about Donald Trump?

Fifty-eight percent of white people voted for Trump, and 8 percent of black people voted for Trump. So yeah, maybe instead of talking to black people about Trump, white people should shut up and listen to black people instead?

"Hall passes" don't work for many women because they can't orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?

Where is it written on your hall pass—or anyone else's—that it can be used only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that's where.

How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?

Not proposing the foursome is the only way to avoid potentially freaking your friends out and ruining the friendship.

How do you decide who wins an argument in a same-sex relationship?

A sudden-death round of Golden Girls trivia.

All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?

Date gay guys.

How do I avoid lesbian bed death?

Date gay guys.

I'm in a FMF poly triad, and I'm looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I'd look online, but I'm a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?

Ask your partners to do the headhunting.

If you're married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?

You should include/disclose that info in your profile (best practice), but many similarly situated men choose to wait until later (understandable practice, considering the stigma). But the existence of a spouse must be disclosed sometime between the end of the first text exchange and the start of the first blowjob.

My wife goes on long runs with her girlfriend. I'm sure they are having sex in the woods. I'm jealous because I'm not getting enough. What should I do?

Get your own "running" partner.

I'm four months pregnant. My husband won't stop talking about how excited he is to taste my breast milk. I said he could try it from a bottle, but he wants it from the source. I want to be GGG, but this weirds me out.

Tell your husband you're going to table this topic for the time being. It's possible you'll be less weirded out by the idea once you're actually breast-feeding, or the opposite is also a possibility. But pestering you about it for the next five months isn't going to increase his chances of getting it from the source—quite the opposite. (And for the record: You can be GGG and still have hard limits/absolutely nots.)

I'm a 25-year-old gay man who doesn't resonate with hookup culture. If I'm not comfortable fucking right away, how can I compete/find a partner?

I get your question all the time—which means you're not alone. Be up front about what you are willing to do (fuck after a getting-to-know-you date or two) and what you are not willing to do (fuck after a "sup?" or two), and you'll scare off the wrong-for-you boys and attract the right-for-you boys.

I'm too broken. I don't know where to start.

Therapy.

Not a question, but a thank-you for helping me to undo my "Utah damage." Grateful for you, Dan! Merry Xmas!

You're welcome, former Utahan, a belated Merry Xmess to you, and a happy/watchful/politically-engaged/join-the-resistance New Year to all!

Santa Fe Reporter