Hey, Bob! You must be getting excited now. It’s really getting close!
It sure is, isn’t it? Uh, what’s getting close?
The presidential election! You called it right 13 months ago, when you announced the formation of Santa Feans for Trump, in this very column! There were 17 Republican candidates back then, and you saw the future!
Thanks! So, you’re with me on this?
Hell no. Donald Trump is beyond repugnant, but I admire that you stuck with it. You stayed the course, remained on message, all those political clichés. How many people came to your Santa Fe rallies?
None. In 13 months of beating the chamisa bushes, I found not one single supporter here. Some lady did wander into my rally at Fort Marcy last June, but she was just looking for her dog. When she saw my Trump banner, she flipped me off.
You must have found other Trump loyalists elsewhere, though? I mean, there is Texas, after all. And Oklahoma.
Yes, I did find them, and a more frightening bunch of trolls, mutants, paranoids, straw-slurpers, nose-pickers, freaks of nature and poorly educated bottom-feeders I can’t possibly imagine…
But what did…
Shhhhhhh, I’m not finished describing them. Mother rapers! Father stabbers! Father rapers!
Bob, I’m pretty sure now you’re just quoting from that song, Alice’s
Sorry, I got carried away.
You’re saying all those proposed Trump campaign committees you wrote about back in August 2015 never got off the ground? Intelligent Women for Trump? Recent Mexican Immigrants for Trump? Santa Fe Institute Scientists for Trump? The Criminally Insane for Trump?
Sadly, no. I really had high hopes for that last one, but it turns out it’s harder than you’d think to get the criminally insane to focus on stuff. Anyway, I’ve made my decision, and it’s final.
Final decision? This sounds big.
I’m disbanding Santa Feans for Trump, as of today. I’m releasing my delegates.
You don’t have any delegates, Bob.
Of course I don’t. I just released them.
Sigh. Look, I know you’ve been a keen political observer for many years. Can you share with us the most important thing you’ve learned?
Yes. Just when we think we’ve hit rock bottom, we haven’t. I honestly remember telling people, ‘Don’t worry, Americans will never vote for Richard Nixon. Don’t worry, Ronald Reagan doesn’t have a chance. George W. Bush? No way.’ But they all got elected. Two times each.
So you’re saying it’s possible that…
I guess you’ve had a lot of time to think and plan at all those empty rallies. If Trump does win, what will you do?
Move out of the country.
To Canada, I suppose?
Canada? No! They’ll be overrun with American refugees. I’m thinking maybe Assisi, over there in Italy...
You’d be willing to do that, relocate to Italy?
It’s a sacrifice, but yes. Or Bruges, or Edinburgh, or Zermatt, or Dubrovnik, or Salzburg. Or maybe just Bali or Tahiti.
But if you’re a political refugee from your own homeland, what makes you think you deserve somewhere as nice as those wonderful places you just named?
Hey, I’m living in a Santa Fe paradise right now. Why should I take a step down, just because I helped elect Archie Bunker to the presidency?
You know, Bob, in this strange, strange political year of 2016, what you just said makes sense. Totally.
Hey, thanks! It’s like they say, I’m just trying to make America scary again!
Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: firstname.lastname@example.org