HUGE SPOILERS AHEAD
The Story Thus Far
A whole lot happened last week, but we can really just boil it down to one sentence: A couple of bastards went to war, and one of ’em had his face eaten by dogs. The end.
Obviously, we all would have loved it had the season ended with Ramsay Bolton having his face torn off by adorable pit bulls, but there are still all kinds of plot threads left loose, and we double learn this in the “Previously On …” section that shows us shit from, like, so many episodes ago that we had forgotten completely. So I guess this-here season finale is all about tying up some of these threads in a way that’s as satisfactory to us as the reported major pay increases were for the show’s principal actors. But, as always, they leave plenty of stuff unanswered. Dammit.
We open on Cersei who, if you’ll recall, recently learned there’s no such thing as a trial by combat anymore as decreed by her shithead son, the weak-ass king, but who also loves wine. We flash around to all the pertinent players like the aforementioned king, his dumb wife, the dumb High Sparrow, et al. After the kickass battle of last week, however, this just seems like a bunch of slow nonsense. Still, that star-shaped window in the courthouse is cool, right? Right. There’s nudity for a second, too, but that’s not the point—the point is that Cersei is fucked, and everyone knows it. Oh shit, this might actually be Slow Loras’ trial, and we totally stand by our earlier comments on the politics of being gay in this wacky kingdom. It’s pretty clear that the High Sparrow has to die, but Loras confesses to his crimes. “All of them,” he says. “I banged a Baratheon, I lied to all you jive turkeys constantly, I hung around looking all moody and bummed all the time … all of it.”
The High Sparrow makes a smug speech about whatever ridiculous fucking god they’re worshipping, and Slow Loras does his best impression of Theon—by weeping all hard and sniveling like a little bitch. He offers to volunteer for the church and its Meals on Wheels program, but the High Sparrow is nothing if not harsh, which Loras knows because he must promise to give up his name and never have kids. Is this dude gonna have to do the naked shame walk that happened to Cersei? Psssshht! No! But he does have to kneel in front of the whole town and talk about how he sucks and stuff, and he also has to get that totally brutal forehead pentagram carving that all those jive-ass Sparrows get. It’s over, and Margaery tries to play it cool, but she’s mad that Cersei is hanging out someplace else, probably talking shit about them with her bodyguard, Half-Dome.
Outside, the second-in-command of the Sparrows follows some dumb kid for some reason, while this bearded Franciscan monk is tricked into the workshop of Cersei’s spooky mad scientist pal. It's the Grand Maester, and some little kid is about to stab the shit out of him. Oh shit! It’s a bunch of little kids! They’re all pissed at him for some reason, and the mad scientist tells him that he wishes it doesn’t have to be this way, but we’re all psyched that this dude meets such a brutal end at the hands of children (Author’s note: I don’t have a clue what this Grand Maester guy’s deal is). The second-in-command Sparrow guy is also stabbed by a kid because, of course, the kids of this town are all about stabbin’ fools—all they see is fools gettin’ stabbed, so they think that’s how life goes. Cersei, meanwhile, looks out over her city, and it all becomes clear: She hired these kids to stab her enemies! Bazam! Back in the courthouse, Margaery tries to convince the High Sparrow that something is up, but he’s too busy daydreaming about Birkenstocks to really worry about that, which is stupid, because everyplace else in the town is a fucking free-for-all of kids stabbin’ fools.
Margarey does finally convince everyone to at least leave the courthouse, but it’s a little too late, because there’s all this explosive slime under the court, which explodes like fuck and kills them all. And I’m talkin’, like, Gary Oldman screaming in The Professional, EV-ER-EEEEEEE-ONE! We jump back to the Queen Mother, who has taken that totally shitty and judgmental nun into a pit somewhere to give her the old waterboarding treatment as a means to punish her in the most satisfying way. She explains to the nun why she does the things she does and scares the hell out of her, like woah. The nun tries to play it cool about death, but Cersei is like, “Oh, I ain’t killing you right now, girl! I’ma kill you slowly after a really long time!” She calls in her bodyguard, K2, and lets the nun know that he’s all about two things: not talking ever and torturing nuns in an extremely slow fashion. Man, that’s brutal. Cersei leaves while Mount Everest tortures the nun, the sound of screams fading behind her.
What she doesn't know, though, is that Tommen is so bummed out by the slime-splosion that he slowly removes his crown, takes a good long last look at his kingdom, reminds himself that he's a stupid little jerk and then throws himself out of his tower in shame. Boom—more king death.
We might have felt bad for this dude had he not been such a punk-ass little whiner the whole time, and we almost feel bad for his mom because no matter how many people she kills or how many times she bangs her brother, she just can't seem to keep her kids alive. Ruh-roh. Still, you've gotta feel at least a little bad for the poor kid. I mean, he was too young to be king.
Elsewhere, Hogwarts Janitor celebrates how Jamie took over Riverrun without even going into battle, and Jamie and his pal Baron Chinstrap feast with them and check out the chicks. The chicks dig it, and Jamie misses his sister because he’s gross as fuck. Hogwarts Janitor regales him with tales of the past while Jamie hangs around sighing all moody and shit. Are they friends? Does it matter? Know what’s a good movie? Hot Fuzz. I could go for watching that right now. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so bored. You know in Hot Fuzz when the journalist guy gets a piece of church dropped on him and his head explodes? That four seconds is cooler than 90 percent of this dumb show.
Of course, Cersei has heard about her kid by now and has to ask herself if she’s the common denominator when it comes to her kids dropping like flies. She has to make funeral arrangements, but all she can think about is that sweet, sweet brother-lovin' she’ll get when Jamie returns, and she sings a song to that effect to the tune of Grease's "Summer Loving." Ha ha ha! Gross!
Meanwhile, Snow’s friend, Pudgy, and his dumb-ass family have made their way to, uh, someplace with a bitchin’ lighthouse that seems to have birds flying out of it at all times. They stop by the customs office, natch (Pudgy is all about the law), to drop off a letter from Snow. “You a bitch, Pudgy!” it reads, and the guy in charge silently judges everyone in the room. Turns out Pudgy is supposed to be the new Maester of whatever the fuck town this is, but the records keeper guy ain’t having it. He doesn’t much care for irregularities, to which Pudgy says, “I suppose that life is irregular,” like it’s some kind of new information or a deep statement when in reality everyone in the room is like, "Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Dude!" Even his wife and kid think he’s a goddamn embarrassment, and he leaves them to stand around while he checks out the weird new library for which he now works. Shit’s huge, son. Like, Library of Congress huge, and he nervously surveils the bazillion scrolls he’ll have to keep an eye on in his new dumb job. Pudgy lives for red tape ... and Jon Snow.
Who, meanwhile, continues his long-standing tradition of standing around all moody in wintery, sun-bleached castle rooms. He’s hangin’ with the Red Woman who is wearing clothes (for now) when Davos comes in and is all, “Yo, grrrl, I hate you for having Stannis burn his snake-faced daughter alive!” Why this hasn’t come up before now is anyone’s guess, but Snow has changed a lot since dying and coming back to life, and whereas he once would’ve said something all crazy and brash, he’s now just standing there like a goddamn mute. They fight over whether or not little girls should be burned alive (they shouldn’t, for the record), and Snow looks like he’s gonna puke. The Red Woman reminds them all that it’ll soon be ice zombie season, charred little girls or not, and Snow, unfazed, tells her to get the fuck out of town. Davos is like, “Yeah!” and so she leaves. Man, Winterfell sucks. Even Sansa, totally still pumped on how Ramsay got eaten, is kind of in a bad mood. She hangs around with Snow on the castle wall in the snow. She also looks sick. Everyone looks sick. It does, however, look like they’re gonna make out. But of course, Snow is above that shit. He prefers stabbing to loving, and they both laugh and catch snowflakes on their tongues like a couple of rom-com morons.
Meanwhile, in Dorne, Margaery’s grandma with the stupid hat meets with those women who killed basically everyone a few episodes back. This is a mission of diplomacy, but Grandma is pissed off and wants to kill everyone she can. The new queen of Dorne is down with killing everyone, obviously, but she spouts some nonsense about how they need to play it cool until they can make sure the stabbin' they're plannin' will be super effective. And then Varys appears to lament how he lost his dick lo those many years ago. What's this fool up to?
In Meereen, Dragon Tits drinks wine and hangs out with the dude from Nashville. They’re strategizing, maybe, but this dude hates this town and doesn't care who knows it. She basically kicks him to the curb as she renames Slaver’s Bay as The Bay of Dragons and reminds this chump that he’ll have a list of chores while she’s gone.
In the next room, Tyrion hangs around drinking (duh), and when Daenerys pops in to be like, “We broke up!” he’s like, “So it goes … he a dog anyway!” She doesn’t like that one bit, so he makes a speech about cynicism and tells her he likes her cool belt. OHMYGOD! Are they gonna kiss!? Dinklage is super good-looking, and so is she. She just kind of looks at him all smugly and gives him a medal with a hand on it. "This is because you're the best masturbator in all the land," she says. "Why don't you tell me something I don't know?" Tyrion asks.
Back in the land run by Hogwarts Janitor, the party is long over, but Janitor himself is still maid-spankingly drunk. This maid, though, has served him the bodies of his friends and—OH SHIT! It’s Arya, and she’s using that faceless magic to sneak in and stab fools! You’d better fucking believe she slashes his throat because … well, I don’t know, but if I were guessing, I’d say this clown had a hand in her dad dying. We’ll give it to her: That was badass.
In Winterfell, Peter “Quantum Break” Baelish keeps on trying to make amends with Sansa for the whole marrying-her-to-Ramsay thing. She ain’t having it, though, even though he’s pretty good looking. He steps closer and closer and talks about how his brain works. She’s all hypnotized by this weirdness and even more so by his proposal, but when he tries to make out with her, she stops him. Sansa has become pretty tough to be sure, but Baelish is still a punk-ass. Snow falls all around, and the pine trees look sad.
Elsewhere, Oat-Bran Stark and his half-zombie of an uncle part ways. Bran still can’t walk, and everyone is still pretty bummed out about Hodor, but Uncle Ice Zombie’s ponytail gleams in the sun, as if to let them know it’ll all be OK. Off he rides, leaving Bran to wonder how the fuck he’s supposed to get around without working legs. He pledges allegiance to some magic tree and gets another view into his family’s past. This time, his lame-ass dad climbs some tower to save, uh, some, uh, girl who is clearly in pretty bad shape. Oh, it’s his sister, and she’s pretty busy bleeding out but glad to see her brother. She doesn’t want to die, but he’s too late. She whispers hollow words that turn to so much ash in Ned’s ears, and he realizes she just had a baby. What the hell baby is this? Oh wait, will they tell us? I hope so. I mean, it must be important and—OH FUCK! It’s Jon Snow! He is a Stark after all! Sucks for him, though, that he killed his poor mom while being born. This guy can't go two seconds without ending someone, even from the day he was born. Get real, Jon Snow. Get real, everyone.
Back in Winterfell, a counsel of jerks has convened to talk about what’s up with the impending winter. They know it’ll be cold (it’s always cold) and that the ice zombies will come (they always come), and that’s when that one little girl who runs Bear Island tells them all they’re a bunch of sorry bitches. She rouses them with her strong words, and it looks like everyone is going to fight the ice jerks after all. Not only that, but people are ready to start calling Jon Snow King of the North. One by one, these jabronis all stand up to tell Snow he rules. I mean, it’s a little late, but, y’know, good for them. They all chant. It’s stupid. Does this mean he has to start boning down with Sansa to protect some dumb idea of bloodline? Who knows? Baelish is bummed as fuck, though, that much we know.
Meanwhile, Jamie has returned home to discover the slime-splosion, but he ought to at least be psyched that Cersei is OK, since he really likes her. She finally gets to sit on that stupid sword chair everyone is always so excited about, and she is coronated as the queen of the land. Too bad all her kids are dead and she’s a huge jerk. Still, she looks pretty cool with her gleaming platinum shoulder pads. Are the people down with this? That might be a next-season question. Where’s Arya at this point? Is Jamie bummed? He looks bummed.
Out at sea, Theon and his sister She-on are boatin’ it up for who knows what reason. Do they work for Daenerys now? Is she on their boat? Who’s that one guy they just panned past? Can we just—oh wait, there's Daenerys. OK, cool. Shit. This show is so confusing, but at least they’ve got a lot of boats. The dragons fly above, being all dragon-y in case anyone decides to fuck with them, which we really doubt will happen. Daenerys and Tyrion stand there silently but excitedly, while we wonder if they’ll just stand there like a couple of jerks for the whole voyage. It’s possible, maybe? Anything is possible when it comes to Game of Thrones.
I’ll hand it to them—that bit with Jon Snow actually being a Stark was pretty cool. It was also cool when Arya slayed Hogwarts Janitor. She's just done with everyone's shit and is all about stabbing from here on out.
More shit that moved way too slow. They should call it Game of Slow-ns.
The GradeD: How you gonna have a sick-ass battle episode and follow it up with more talking? That slime-splosion was all right, but all the really cool stuff was relegated to the beginning of the episode, and the rest was every bit as boring as the whole season itself was. Snooze.