Game of Thrones for Noobs XVII

The Story Thus Far (Heavy Spoilers!)Last week settled into yet another fully boring episode within a sea of fully boring episodes. We learned that Jon Snow’s pudgy friend, Pudgy, came from money and that his dad was a major racist. We learned that there is no depth to the High Sparrow’s asshole-ery as he brought Tommen into the church. The janitor from Hogwarts started some serious shit, Arya befriended her assassination target and a new red woman appeared. Snow’s hair stayed in its new and grosser position, too, and that’s just the fucking worst. Oh! And Jamie and Cersei made googly eyes at each other and checked their calendars for a good date to incest bone. Yuck!The GistSome bearded jerk wanders around a construction site saying totally ridiculous things that are far too often written into shows for jerks who walk around construction sites to say like, “Put your back into it!” even though nobody anywhere has actually ever said that. One can only imagine the delight that shot throughout the writer’s room on that one. “Then people will know he’s in charge!” the head writer said. “Now hurry up and make some more awful things happen to women!” And then we pan around to see … some dude with burns all over his face. Yet another big reveal, yet another moment for me to be like, “Who the hell is that guy? Rocky Dennis’ cousin?” It doesn’t really matter, though, because he’s really good at chopping wood; even the bearded guy thinks so. It’s lunchtime soon after that, which is a drag, because Beardo tells Burny that he used to smell like shit. Burny is huge as fuck, too, and he tells his boss that he’s running on pure hate. Beardo makes a speech about agnosticism, but Burny thinks that atheism is better; either way, they’re both gross.Elsewhere, Margaery is out of prison and catching up on the Book of the Mother when the High Sparrow stops by to creep up the joint. It’s pretty obvious that Margaery is playing the part. Hasn’t the High Sparrow ever seen a fucking movie? Of course she is! But he’s here to talk to her about fucking, more specifically, with her husband. You might remember him, he’s that guy who’s, like, 14? Homegirl is really more about the Word these days, but the Sparrow goes in for the old ways and thinks she should have a kid. And so, like the fucking jerk he is, he makes thinly veiled threats against Margaery’s grandma. You might also remember her, she wears that pillbox hat with a cape draped all over it? We cut to her and Margaery, and they dance around the topic of nun-bashing. Margaery pretty much kicks Grandma to the curb, maybe to save her, but maybe because she’s just sick of her shit. The nun stands in the corner with that shit-eating nun look on her face. Where does everyone get makeup? I mean, hairbrushes I get, but makeup is absurd. Oh dang! Margaery passed her grandma a drawing of a rose, so clearly people are going to die.Across the land, Jon Snow and the Wildlings are arguing over who’s fighting who. Seems like Braveheart Jr. signed up to slay ice zombies and ice panthers, not Boltons and the like. He seems more scared of Ramsay than the ice-undead, but that’s cool. Jon Snow is like, “I get it … you’re a bunch of pussies.” And their beards flap in the cold morning breeze in anticipation. Snow’s reverse pyschology totally worked, and that one giant stands up to loom over them with his weird-ass fucking face and to convince the Wildlings to just be cool for once.We check in with Cersei, who’s walking around with her bodyguard, The Boulder or The Monstrosity or The Agro-Crag or whatever he’s called. To double-check, let’s pop in with Moe … Moe? Anyway, Cersei is here to bitch at Grandma about some other shit and to lay-down some smarmy, “See you later!” niceties that actually mean, “Eat shit, ya old bag!” Grandma gets some good ones in there, too, and it’s a pretty tense moment. Meanwhile, on a grassy hill nearby, some army of jerks horses along a river to battle. Oh zang, it’s Jamie and his pal, Baron Chinstrap! They’re basically in The Witcher 3 right now, but they don’t realize how that’s pretty cool. Looks like Jamie and what’s-his-dick are on pretty tense terms, but it could have to do with the tenseness of knightin’. Up on the parapet of Riverrun (where I just now realized is where they are), they’re trying to decide if this dude, Lord Edamame, is worth giving up the castle. Edamame’s uncle, who’s, like, the Grand Duke of Riverrun, isn’t feeling it, though, so he’s like, “Yeah, go ahead and slash his throat!” But they don’t. Boohoo. Jamie slaps one of them after a rousing bout of telling them they suck and stuff, and it’s pretty hard to tell who’s who or who’s fighting or what.Elsewhere, on Bear Island, where a little girl called Mormont is in charge, Snow and Sansa have showed up to ask the little girl for help. She’s pretty smart, it seems, but kind of a jerk. She interrupts everyone with smarmy comments, which is tough because everyone wants to slap her, but they won’t slap a little girl. Good thing Davos is with them. He speaks the language of tween girl, and he commiserates with her about what it means to have a reason to fight. The girl likes him. She likes House Stark. We, on the other hand, don’t like any of these people. All the same, it’s pretty all right when she’s like, “I’ll send 62 dudes to fight Ramsay with you because I need the rest here when I have my tea party.” Davos smiles knowingly; he knows how to be diplomatic.

Amen. We all are. She pledges to help him slash the throats of his enemies and then tells him to either buck up or kill himself. Dang! It's tough love. And it would be a sweet moment, but it's mostly weird and creepy, just like Theon and She-on themselves.

Snoooooooooooooooozers.

Santa Fe Reporter