I Dare You to Park Here

What unfriendly looks like on steroids

All things considered, I think Santa Fe is a pretty friendly place.

Most of the drivers here will give you an amiable wave as they turn in front of you with no warning. On the hiking trails, mountain bikers always flash a smile as you leap out of their path to save your own life.

The cashiers at Trader Joe's here are generous with their good wishes. They're like, "Have a great month!" which is better than some places, where they wish you a miserly "nice afternoon" when it's already 4:30 pm.

But there's one area where the goodwill evaporates instantly. People who own parking spaces don't even pretend to be nice to people who park where they shouldn't.

The depth of this passion became clear to me earlier this year, when I stopped by Kaune's during the legislative session. In addition to the usual 462 permanent signs threatening towing, booting or disembowelment, there was a fresh screed posted on the door of the store.

Well, I say screed, but actually it was more of a rant. I've seen Taliban ransom notes that were friendlier.

The diatribe was only posted for the duration of the session. I didn't make a copy, so I'll paraphrase here, and I may not be 100 percent accurate.

Essentially, the idea was that if you park here and try doing anything other than shop, a flying squad of Roman gladiators in full armor will rappel down from the roof and batter your vehicle with javelins and tridents until you no longer recognize it.

Then, they will go after your mother.

Kaune's is by no means the only parking pressure point in Santa Fe. You want a near-death experience? Try parking at my dry cleaner's lot and going to the nearby Vinaigrette restaurant. It won't be pretty.

Just look in my own backyard. SFR's lot on Marcy Street has bizarre new signs in its lot saying, "NO CHEESEMONGER OR TOURISTS."

You have to love the apparent occupational specificity! Maybe we could expand it, to "NO HABERDASHER, NO CHIMNEY SWEEP, NO BEEKEEPER, NO PROCTOLOGIST!"

Calm down. Before all you cheesemongers file a class action lawsuit, the sign is actually just a reference to a nearby cheese shop.

At this point, I should back up and make it clear that I'm not criticizing these businesses. The fact that Kaune's is across the street from the Roundhouse doesn't mean it should have to provide free parking for lobbyists while they are over in the Capitol screwing the little people.

I imagine business owners here have learned the hard way that polite signs accomplish nothing, and that threats are the only way to go.

Which brings me to my point.

I'm opening a threatening-sign-writing business for shopkeepers who are too busy to create their own.

My signs follow a two-part strategy. First, you demean the potential culprits. You know, like, HEY! Deadbeat, loser, leech, sponge, scum stain, moocher, troublemaker, rapscallion, neo-Nazi, Oklahoma tourist…

Now that you have their attention, it's time to deliver the actual threat. It needs to be awful, but believable. All too often in signs done by amateurs, the element of horror is missing.

My signs will take care of that, with the implication that if you park here, the result will be:

Well, that's about it. Bob's Sinister Signs has its grand opening tomorrow, over on Johnson Street. Come by and see us!

What? You're asking if you can leave your car in our lot while you go down the street for lunch?

What the hell do you think, parasite?

Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


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