When Smartasses Write

Didn't think it would last this long, did you?

Bob, if I'm not mistaken, this is the second anniversary of your Blue Corn column. Two whole years! Congrats!
Thank you for remembering, total stranger who writes in boldface. I think I'll mark the occasion by looking back at some of my past columns.

So instead of something new, you're trotting out your tired old retreads? Who could've seen that coming?
Hey, I didn't say I was proud of myself.

I think what your readers want to know is, what did your reporting do to improve life here in Santa Fe?
Probably nothing whatsoever. I mean, it's not really reporting. I mostly just read the newspapers and then make sarcastic remarks. The village idiot could do it.

Give yourself some credit. I'm sure you've made a huge difference. In your very first column, you claimed you found Forrest Fenn's hidden treasure on a picnic table at Lotaburger. What happened then?
The IRS came down on me like an Acme office safe from the 44th floor. Who knew that treasure would be taxable?

Most people, I imagine.
Oh.

Let's see. You wrote about that inarticulate New Mexico True advertising campaign, right? Surely that was the last nail in their coffin?
Nope. The campaign is still going strong, they're expanding it to new target markets and the governor says it has really increased tourism.

Looking at the online Blue Corn archives, I see you did a very useful column about how hikers can protect themselves from wolves, snakes, cougars and bears. Surely that saved countless lives?
Did you actually read it? Anybody who followed my suggestions is pretty much assured of being rotten, fetid carrion by now.

What about "Bob's Big House of Hell," the one where you found out your guesthouse is haunted and you were going to turn it into a tourist attraction?
Sigh. The Santa Fe Department of Scamming Tourists said I'm not zoned for paranormal activity. They wouldn't give me a license.

Can you appeal that?
No, I don't have a ghost of a chance.

Come on, throw me a bone here! You wrote a blistering column when the City Council squandered money to bring The Bachelor here to shoot an episode. You stopped it in its tracks, right?
Huh-uh. The show came here anyway and was ten times stupider than I could have imagined. One of the bachelorettes thought New Mexico was a foreign country, and they misspelled "Santa Fe" in the credits.

But you're the one who proved conclusively that Mexican food and New Mexican food are identical. That must have enlightened a lot of people.
Nah, most folks continue to buy into the Big Tourism Lie. They think whether to go out for Mexican or New Mexican food is an actual culinary decision.

I remember you wrote one about filling up on free food samples at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's.
Yeah. Both stores then posted my picture and hired bouncers. Last week, I got two cracked ribs after reaching for some free kale chips.

Hey, I've got it! You wrote a column about going to Albuquerque to work as an extra in a movie. They can't take that away from you.
The movie was called Spare Parts. I watched the DVD a couple of weeks ago. It's a pretty good film, but I'm not in it.

Not even for a second?
Nope, and it's even more embarrassing than it sounds.

How could it be?
I watched the deleted scenes on the DVD, and I'm not in any of those, either. I couldn't even make it to the cutting room floor.

Yikes! You know, you really are kind of pathetic. Still, I bet SFR had a nice anniversary cake for you, didn't they?
It was a carrot cake.

Yummy!
No. I hate carrot cake…

Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


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