Game of Thrones for Noobs IX

Season 5, Episode 9:

The Story Thus Far
Stuff happened last week, sure, but let’s all just face facts—the only part that mattered was the humongous ice zombie battle, wherein the giant who lives with the Wildlings stomped a bunch of dicks, and Jon Snow killed the vice president of ice zombies with his sword that’s made out of…some magic stuff. Oh yeah, and Cersei is in jail and Arya is now a small business owner, in that she wanders around, selling clams. Or not. Still not clear on what the hell she’s doing or why, but she hates her face or some such. Special note: My friend Maddy is in from out of town, and she thinks I have no business recapping/reviewing GoT. Feel free to comment and tell her she sucks and stuff. Oh, and that metal band Mastodon did a cameo, but I didn’t give a shit. 

The Gist
After last week’s totally fucking bonkers showdown on the frozen shores of Ice City, or whatever the hell it’s called where the Wildlings live (and by the way, why do these fuckers live near what seems to be the birthplace of ice zombies?), everyone was wondering the same thing: Who the hell could have survived that? But unfortunately, the damn show makes us check in with Stannis Fucking Baratheon and his witch friend who tried to bang Jon Snow a few weeks ago. She sets all these tents on fire for some reason and leaves us wondering what the fuck. Stannis and his buddies are pissed as hell, and this sure does set them back in their quest to, uh, do whatever they’re doing. Stannis’ bearded consort clearly doesn’t trust the witch. He reminds Stannis that he’s his “hand,” which might come with HJ duties or not, and Stannis makes a pun about him going home to score backup horses but not to return empty-handed. He tries to tell Stannis to let his snake-faced daughter go home, but it would seem that Stannis likes having her around for moral support or to remind himself that he’s not a snake face himself and therefore fortunate. The snake-faced daughter appears to tell the hand guy that she likes this book she’s reading, and she kisses him on the cheek while he tries to play it cool but makes the face of someone who is freaking the fuck out on the inside.

Meanwhile, Jon Snow and the giant and the rest of those bastards are forced to trek across the frozen tundra to the Wall, without snowmobiles and totally labor-intensive. The dude who lost the election for Night Watch prez isn't happy about it, and Snow has to tell everyone they fucked up huge. Pudgy, of course, appears to kiss his ass and build him up. Makes sense, I guess, 'cause homeboy got banged a couple weeks ago and is probably still in a great mood. Everyone is freaked out by the giant, but we don't blame them, because he's giant as fuck and walks around all standoffish and snorting and stuff. Some dude appears to be like, "Don't kill us all!" and Jon Snow is just like, "We'll see…" But mostly he just stands around, sulking and probably wishing he'd banged that witch when he had the chance.

Back in Dorne, Jamie Lannister meets the head honcho, who he feels is keeping his and Cersei's incest monster/daughter around for sinister reasons. They speak tensely of wars while the Dorne leader guy says some wack shit about who knows what, and his sister-in-law is like, "I never smile!" For some reason, they drink, but the sister-in-law pours one out for her dead homies in a dazzling display of fuck-Lannisters-ness. Jamie's golden hand twitches with despair. She tells the leader guy he's spineless, and he's like, "I'll kill your daughters, bitch!" You remember her daughters, right? They're the ones who kill innocent sea captains and poison fools to coerce statements about their beauty. We find these very ladies still in prison, and they're apparently really bored because they're just slapping each other around. They watch on jealously as Baron Chinstrap is set free and start calling each other sluts.

Arya, over in the seaside town of Clam Cart City, is still shucking oysters and preparing to poison the asshole tax guy. This fool loves the shit outta oysters, too, so you know poisoning him would be easy, but she's not ready. She would rather watch weird visitors appear from faraway lands, the kind of strangers whose bald heads shine brightly in the sun and who jibber-jabber about who-knows-what. Some golden soldier who's with the bald guy notices Arya. And she notices him noticing. It's an exchange of noticings, interrupted by the bald fucker singing, for some reason. The rest of the town hates his singing almost as much as I do, so in order to get over the weirdness of the impromptu recital, they visit a whorehouse.

Arya pops in to see what they're up to and just in time to see the golden soldier shit-talk the uncomfortable hooker parade put together by the brothel. He likes 'em young (which is gross) and keeps passing on younger and younger girls. Oh, yuck. The madam somehow produces some poor teenaged girl who looks scared as fuck, while we wonder what the hell kind of world these people inhabit where every fucking dude around has some super-specific and ultra-disgusting fetish that borders on the criminal. Anyway, the golden soldier guy totally recognizes Arya Stark, but she has worse problems from the faceless guy who lives in the House of Black and White. For a dude who's been slapping her in the face every time she lies the wrong way, he sure seems pissed that she's lying with gusto in relation to poisoning the tax guy.

In Dorne, the wheelchair-bound emperor of spineless chumps finally starts to flex his dick and all but threatens his sis-in-law with murder if she keeps yapping. She is so angered by this that she seeks out Jamie to make fun of how he writes like a child. Give him a fucking break! He's missing a hand and had kids with his sister…writing impressive letters is the least of his problems. Besides, she fastens her belt backwards, so maybe she shouldn't be going around criticizing how other people live their fucking lives.

Meanwhile, Stannis pops in on his snake-faced daughter, who is still reading that damn book and providing a pretty comprehensive synopsis of it. Stannis seems pretty depressed, and so he tries to poke holes in her reading enjoyment. He tries to explain what being a man means to his daughter, but it really seems more like he's trying to convince himself of something while his daughter's like, "Please, motherfucker—I've got a snake face and bigger fish to fry!" They hug it out, which solves absolutely nothing. Especially since Stannis' witches then set her the fuck on fire! What!? Nobody even tries to save her, either, because as much as they try to act like they're accepting people, the snake-face thing is a complete fucking drag. The mom tries to help, but apparently this has to happen. How in the fuck does burning a little girl alive do anything? What the hell is going on with this show?!

While that's going down, Dragon Tits and Peter Dinklage take in a fight to celebrate their newfound partnership. Daenerys seems bummed out, but then again she always opposed these shitty fights. The gladiators are really into the Khaleesi and are fully ready to die for her glory, apparently. Daenerys' hipster boyfriend makes a speech about how big dudes usually lose, just in time for the big dude in the ring to cut his opponent's head off. At this point, the violence seems more designed for those Monday morning water cooler chats. Anyway, Tyrion throws down some serious shit talk on the Khaleesi's fiancé, which is great because fuck that guy.

And then, suddenly, it's all whaddya know…the guy who kidnapped Tyrion is in the pit, fighting for Dragon Tits' love. For a person who apparently hated this guy an episode or so ago, Daenerys seems awfully bummed out that he might die in the pit. With every stabbing this dude lays down, Daenerys seems more and more riveted. Some loser barbarian gets his shit speared, meanwhile, and then the guy who is about to kill Jorah also gets speared. The spear guy is a badass! But he loses, of course, because that's just how TV works.

Jorah is booed, but we don't have time to stress over that, because those Sons of the Harpy sons of bitches are in the crowd and start killing anyone they can. What're these assholes' motives again? Stabbing, I guess, and they get down to business with that by, like, slitting throats and perforating Daenerys' fiancé. It is mayhem, but you can't help but feel like Jorah is probably psyched, because it gives him a chance to look cool in front of the queen.

The hipster guy, however, is pretty bummed, and before you know it, a bazillion Sons of Harpy guys are down in the pit, slowly cutting through everyone, trying to protect the queen. One wonders why their totally heavy golden death masks don’t slow them down fighting-wise, but they hold their own. And then—boom. Drogon the Dragon flaps his way into the fray, from outta nowhere.  

Basically, all he does is bite heads off and flambé assholes alive while Daenerys looks kind of sexually excited about it. Maybe she's nuts, after all. Anyway, she jumps on that fool, and they fly on out of there and into the annals of goofy shit that happens on goofy TV shows. Tyrion is forced to stand there like an idiot and wonder what the hell he'll do next.

Pros: Dragons are always cool. Things are consistently picking up, episode to episode.

Cons: If you liked the thing where the snake-faced girl was burned alive, you're sick. Arya wandered around, doing basically fucking nothing. There should be an ice zombie battle in every single episode. Also, where is Uncle Kevin?

The Grade: C—stuff happened, just none of it was all that cool until the dragon showed up to run down the clock and kick asses for all of two fucking seconds. To recap:


Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights on HBO. GIFs via Uproxx and giphy.com

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