As you may have read, the Santa Fe City Council recently outlawed the sale of those little-bitty bottles of booze. The ban hasn’t even taken effect yet, but local merchants are already threatening lawsuits.
This seems like discrimination against small people! What are they supposed to drink, anyway? The big folks get all the breaks!
Oh. I'm sorry. I've just been informed that the ban was aimed at Santa Fe's litter problem. I drove up a major thoroughfare here today, and the only litter I saw was newspaper pages blowing around, so perhaps we should ban papers.
Except for the one I work for, of course.
I suspect this new law may really be an attempt at cutting back on drunk driving by getting rid of bottles you can drink in a couple of sips and toss out a window. That's a laudable goal, but it probably won't work. A mandatory death penalty for a DWI conviction would be more effective.
I asked a member of the City Council to comment, but I was told they couldn't, because "the matter may be litigated."
Is that right? It's a freaking law the council passed, but you can't comment? You know, Obamacare was litigated all the way to the Supreme Court, but that didn't stop every politician in the country from commenting on it.
Let me back up for a moment. Liquor laws just about everywhere tend to be pretty stupid. They don't reflect what's right or wrong or good or bad, they just give you an idea who hired the most expensive lobbyists.
When I was growing up in Indiana, we had laws banning the sale of liquor on Sundays. What was the result? Every Monday, the newspapers reported on the arrests of poor people who had been caught buying a bottle of something in a back alley. Yes, they had committed a crime, but I mean…
It hasn't improved much since then. Six days a week, I can buy booze in my Santa Fe supermarket the first thing in the morning, but on Sundays, the liquor section is cordoned off with yellow crime scene tape until noon.
I guess I'm supposed to say, "Damn! If I can't get hammered right now, I may as well go to church and worship God!"
If that's the plan, how's it working out?
Let's face it, New Mexicans aren't known for their temperance. Several years ago, the city of Alamogordo was cited for transgressions at their Oktoberfest celebration. Lots of folks, including the person responsible for administering the city's liquor licenses, reportedly were drunk.
According to one story, Alamogordo came under fire for "parties attended by the mayor, members of the German Air Force and several off-duty police officers."
Hang on. The German Air Force? The Homeland Security folks might want to find out why the Luftwaffe was cavorting in New Mexico, which is practically part of the United States.
But let's forget Alamogordo, even though it's a really fun word to say. Santa Fe isn't exactly the poster boy for responsible drinking, either. A few months ago, the police arrested a guy for DWI after they caught him going 106 mph in a 65 mph zone.
Let me now repeat that for dramatic effect. Going 106 mph. Drunk.
But I digress. Among the arguments made in Santa Fe's debate over outlawing the miniatures was that the ban would hurt the poor, since miniature bottles are all they can afford.
I'm not buying that point. The 50 ml bottles go for $3 to $6 each, meaning you're paying the equivalent of $45 to $90 for a standard 750 ml bottle worth a tiny fraction of that. So, who's poor now?
Maybe the council should mandate a math test for anybody entering a liquor store?
Robert Basler's humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com
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