Game of Thrones for Noobs V

Season 5, Episode 5: "Kill the Boy"

The Story Thus Far
Jamie and Baron Chinstrap killed some Persian dudes, thanks to Jamie's fake hand, while Jon Snow turned his nose up at casual sex, for some dumb reason. Baelish gave Sansa some background info on her aunt. Tyrion was still kidnapped and found out he was being taken to where he was already fucking going. Daenerys' old bastard buddy got stabbed good by those Sons of the Harpy jerks, and Cersei walked around with that shitty look on her face that she gets when she's plotting…you know the one. Right? What's her problem? The credits continued to be the longest damn thing of all time, and this writer wondered why "co-executive producer" is the best title George RR Martin could get but then felt psyched that Martin lives in the same town and opened that killer theater that hosted Junot Diaz.

The Gist
We join Dragon Tits as she mourns her old bastard friend. "Barista the Badass" (or some such) is what she says they used to call him, and her sadness doesn't last long before she's having fools dragged away. First, she had to lock up her dragon named Drogon, and now this! She hosts a clandestine torchlit meeting, during which the titans of her town's industry are poked with spears and introduced to her dragons. She makes a speech about motherhood that freaks everyone out and then watches while her dragons totally set this one dude on fire and eat him. Clearly she is losing it, as this is the second brutal execution she's helmed since the beginning of the season. Someone told me her dad was a crazy fucker, so maybe this is shining through? Like, doesn't that warrior gene nonsense pass on in a hereditary fashion? If so, wouldn't it make sense for the crazy gene to also pass on?

Over at the Wall, we find Jon Snow's pudgy pal hanging around in an icy library with an angry old monk. Snow appears out of nowhere to meet with the old guy to get advice about his men. Here he learns that he needs to stick to his guns when making decisions that pertain to the Night's Watch. Again, winter is coming (is this all anyone talks about in GoT?). The old guy tells him, "Kill the boy," which is apparently a roundabout way of telling Snow he needs to grow the fuck up. It seems like Snow is having difficulty acclimating to his newfound powerful position.

Also interesting is that he makes some kind of truce with the new leader of the cast of Braveheart, who live on the other side of the Wall. Maybe he is growing the fuck up, and he even mentions how his men will be split with hatred over the decision. For a guy so young, Jon Snow is pretty wise. After all, since winter is always coming around here (and with it, the ice zombies), he could use all the help he can get. Or maybe he's just mesmerized by the guy's beard. He's right in his assumption that leaders needn't always be popular, so long as they do what's right.

Still, it's a surprise that Stannis "No Nickname" Baratheon is willing to lend his ships to the bearded fuckers. After this heated exchange, the Night's Watch hangs around, discussing politics and new uniforms and xenophobia and maybe a cheerleading squad. The cast of Braveheart has apparently been terrorizing folks for years, but Snow tells everyone to shut up because—get this—winter is coming, and they need help with the ice weasels. I mean, zombies.

Anyway, everything at the Wall is like, really depressing, and there's no natural light, and it looks cold, so no wonder everyone is so uptight and angry. Snow's little waiter pal hates him for trying to help out the bearded guys, apparently because they killed his whole family. Snow reminds him that winter is coming, like every-fucking-body always reminds every-fucking-body else, and I'm just like, dude—we all know winter is coming, it comes every year.

Brienne and her squire, meanwhile, finally have a place inside, but Brienne isn't so sure Sansa should be marrying a Bolton. Brienne makes small talk with a guy who's like a young Marty Feldman (but not funny) and uses him to get a message to Sansa. He reminds her that Sansa's mother is dead, and Brienne reminds him that an oath is an oath, while she calls his loyalties into question.

Elsewhere in the castle, Gordon Ramsay Bolton explains to his girlfriend that even though he has to marry Sansa Stark for political reasons, he'll still fuck her until then. He says a bunch of bitchy things to her about her station in life and threatens her (he hates being bored), and we wonder what his fucking problem is.

In a different room, Sansa learns that treating maids with respect pays off when one of them approaches her to say she's not alone. Surely that will come to something (probably people will band together to kill Gordon Ramsay Bolton at some point), but it's still weird when the girlfriend I mentioned just up there goes to talk to Sansa about her clothes and her mom and stuff. Once again, as with everyone else around here, it is all but certain that this girl is up to no good. That becomes even more obvious when she's like, "Go check out the snarling dogs in the darkness, Sansa. It's totally OK!" and then disappears.

This reminds me: What ever happened to those huge-ass wolves from before? Anyway, there's a dude living in the doghouse named Theon who Sansa knows, but he doesn't feel like hanging out right now. Maybe he's a werewolf, and Daenerys can name him Werewolf. Smash cut to Gordon Ramsay Bolton hanging with this dude and making him feel bad about letting Sansa see him in the kennels, for some reason. What!?

The next day, all seems well in the Bolton house. Ramsay is in a good mood, as are his parents (isn't he a bastard/former Snow?), but Sansa hates on the subjects of wherever the hell they are. It seems a little early for wine, but they're going for it anyway. This boozing seems to turn Ramsay into a bigger dick than his crazy eyes have already let on, and he embarrasses Theon—who is also called Reek or something—in front of Sansa.

Oh wait, it turns out he murdered Sansa's brothers, but he seems so pitiful and has one of those hangdog expressions that practically screams that he's learned his lesson. Ramsay keeps on being a fucking dick. And then—wait a minute, is this dude's mom named Walda? Like, as in the female version of Waldo? Anyway, she's pregnant, and the music tells me that's a big deal, but I couldn't tell you why. Ramsay makes fun of her for being fat, too, and that's just like, ice cold, man. Ramsay freaks out that the baby will take over any power he might gain, and the guy who's, like, his dad or fake dad or adopted dad or whoever tells him about his mom and how he took her to pound town beneath the tree from which her boyfriend had recently been hanged. Man, these people are fucked up.

Back at the Wall, Samwell Gamgee explains to some jerk who knew his dad that he totally killed an ice zombie with a dragonglass dagger (obsidian to us laypeople), while everyone else stands around, holding their asses, waiting for winter to come…or for some battle they're marching toward. The princess with the snake face is interested in battles and crypts that house dudes with names from children's TV shows, like Bran the Builder. Jon Snow is getting no shortage of dirty looks for his plan to ally with the bearded guys, but he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks—he just wants to kill the ice zombies. And he watches while an army gallops off on horseback through the snow.

Meanwhile, back in Daenerys' hood, former slaves and other former slaves speak to each other in their native tongue about how it sucks that that one old bastard died. This one guy says that he's scared of dying without boning this one girl he likes (I think), and the girl (I think) ignores his knife wounds to lay a big fat smooch on him. Daenerys frees one of those dudes she was going to feed to the dragons and lets him know she's going to reopen the fighting pits, but to free men only. Then she's like, "I'm going to marry you for some reason!" What!?

We finally rejoin Tyrion and his captor on some pinche little boat…still sailing. They sail through Valyria, which is apparently blighted by something called "the Doom," but I dunno, 'cause it looks kind of nice, and anyway, "the Doom" sounds an awful lot like the Nothing from The Neverending Story.

They get attacked by these guys who look like they're made out of stone and who are aptly called Stone Men. They don't die, though, because why would they? Peter Dinklage is the most recognizable guy on this show, so he's probably safe, at least for a little while. His captor, however, was touched by one of those stone guys, which apparently transmits the disease (and also gives new meaning to the term "no glove, no love").

The Bottom Line
It was cool that most of the episode took place in wherever Gordon Ramsay Bolton lives, because we actually got a good chunk of one plotline without cutting to a million other things for two seconds apiece. The guy who plays Ramsay is totally creepy and calculating, and the dude is a pretty good actor. Most of all, watching the dragons eat that one guy was awesome, and I'm curious to see how the shaky alliance between the Night's Watch and the Wildlings goes. Ultimately, as long as the promise of ice zombies is on the horizon, I suppose it'll be OK to keep watching for another week.

Pros: Watching the dragon eat that one dude! The guy who plays Gordon Ramsay Bolton. The promise of a pit fighter scene that is hopefully better than that garbage arcade game of the same name is exciting.

Cons: When you've got Peter Dinklage, you should use him all the time. The Stone Men were cheesy as hell, and who gives a shit if that one guy has contracted the stone skin disease?

The Grade
B: It was nice to get a good piece of one story. 

Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights on HBO. GIFs via giphy.com

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