After talking to several local musicians about how they write love songs, I started to think about how I write them. I realized that writing a love song is one of the trickiest things to do. Conveying the deepest of emotions in an articulate and intelligent manner is hard enough without having to worry about accompanying music and fitting the words into a time signature. Take a deep breath and focus on the lyrics first. After all, you want to be able to say exactly what you want, and you can worry about making them fit with your music later. Besides, what are song lyrics if not poetry? As long as you take the following steps to heart, you'll have no problem wowing that special someone.

  1. Find a man/woman and become obsessed...and I mean
  2. Boxing Helena
  3. obsessed. You need to find out where they work and where they'll be. Using Facebook is a great way to find e-mail addresses and phone numbers, as well as look at photos of that beach trip they took and the kind of swimwear they purchase. Reading their horoscope every day is a good place to start as well. You can approach them with an opener like, “I understand that today you're having a two star day. Is there anything I can do to bring that up to three or even four stars?” If they look at you with deep concern in their eyes, it's only because they're moved by your interest.

  4. Taking cues from the world of cinema
  5. never
  6. backfires. Grand romantic gestures may sound creepy when you first think about it, but surely he/she can be won over in two seconds by climbing the tree outside their house and serenading them with any of a number of 80s hits. Standing in the rain and staring at their window is a good plan as well. I mean, if there is anything we've learned from films, people love unhealthy, dangerous maniacs who are willing to cross personal boundaries, break laws and  just about do anything to show they're not unhealthy, dangerous maniacs.

  7. Learn his/her routine. Does he/she grocery shop at a certain time each week? Do they go to a specific laundromat? If you're to write a song about this person, you'll need to observe them in their natural habitat. Or, you can go further. Where do they work? Fabricating a bogus story about needing whatever services their employer might offer is the perfect setup for getting to know someone. If they tell you that you can't afford said services because you look like you haven't showered in a week and there's a crazy look in your eye, don't be deterred...suits are readily available at any number of Thrift Stores, and you can use the grease your hair produces naturally to fashion a kicky new style.

  8. Now that you've put together all the info you need, it's time to get writing. Make sure to compare his/her eyes to natural wonders like the ocean. Telling someone their eyes are beautiful is in no way overdone, and it disarms those who hear it by showing them you're sensitive. Whatever you do, don't go into detail about how you want to fuck them and how you
  9. would
  10. fuck them. You need to make this person believe that you want to spend a
  11. Notebook
  12. -esque fairy tale life with them. The last thing you need to do is let them know that once they are yours you'll try less, your hygiene will pretty much go out the window and you'll grow to resent them for always trying to talk to you when you just want a fucking minute to have a thought to yourself.

  13. Now it's time to show the object of your desires the song you've written. Choose a place as public as humanly possible to prove to them you don't care who knows you love them. If you're in school, the cafeteria is a great place. If you're not in school, go to his/her work. The innocent bystanders will all melt at your inability to recognize what is appropriate, and he/she will see the amount of effort you've put into this song means that you're a caring and wonderful human. Don't be nervous if he/she is left with his/her mouth agape and a look of terror across his/her face. He/she is just blown away by your musical genius and your lyrical prowess.