Money can't buy you love-but it can buy you this stuff!

Orgy of Chocolate


If you're planning to give your sweetie chocolate and flowers, why not get flowery chocolates? Share the lavender, jasmine, rose and orange blossom chocolates in front of a warm fire or, if you're single, scarf 'em down while watching TV with your cats. Available in bulk sizes ($10-$36 per pound) for moderately sized orgies or back-to-back episodes of

Grey's Anatomy


Kakawa Chocolate House, 847 Niñita St., 982-0388.


A Pole By Any Other Name…

Turn your girlfriend or wife into a slinking, slithering sexpot with the Peekaboo Pole Dancing kit ($140)! The tension rod adjusts up to almost 9 feet and is easy to install. Not only does this baby come with the instructional DVD to learn hot moves, it also comes with

The Art of Pole Dancing

book and $100 in fake stripper money. Just like the real thing, but without the $1.99 buffet.

Au Boudoir, 614 Agua Fria St., 983-7700.

I Heart Shoes


Little girls (and women with small feet) will love these sparkly red ballerina flats fit for any Queen of Hearts. Beaded pink hearts adorn the toes while a cute little strap gives that perfect innocent girly look for a sweet valentine outfit. Sizes are available in infant up to size 5 ($46 and up).

Merry Go Round, 150 Washington Ave., 988-5422.

Liquor in the Front


Ay, ay, ay! Get the blood flowing and the mood glowing with a body shot of Oro Azul Añejo tequila ($60.99). Double distilled and aged two years to produce a medium body with a refined finish. Please drink responsibly and remember the sequence: Lick the salt, slam the shot, suck the lime and then make out like crazed rabbits.

Susan's Fine Wine and Spirits, 1001 Pen Road, 984-1582.

Pulp Friction


You don't have to live the lifestyle to appreciate the illustrations found throughout these gay/lesbian address books ($12.95). Racy titles like

Gay Safari


All Girl Office

include scandalous plot lines on address pages and depict the vintage imagery made popular by the pulp fiction genre.

Design Warehouse, 101 W. Marcy St., 988-1555.

Oops, I Did It Again


Duck out in style and with a fresh, clean feeling with the Oops Kit ($28 for girls) or the Clean Getaway Kit ($31 for guys). These zippered one-night stand kits are ideal to stash away in your car! The girls' set includes a baby tee and thong, but extra thought went into the guys' kit, which includes boxers, a razor and shaving cream, two condoms, a toothbrush and toothpaste, one packet of pain reliever and a "leave behind" note that undoubtedly does not include space for a phone number.

Wink, 500 Montezuma Ave., Sanbusco Center, 988-3840.


Off in Less Than 60 Seconds

Don't let the delicate, lacy details fool you. These super-sexy intimates by Brazilian line Belabumbum and boy short trendsetters Eberjey are tough but sweet with camisoles ($49-$70), bras ($35-$45) and boy shorts ($19-$35) that sport a distinctly retro feel. Find these stocked by Mes Amis, tucked inside the fabulous Ancient Spirit Hair Salon.

Mes Amis Skin Salon, 321 W. San Francisco St., 231-2600.

Get Pinned


Go nostalgic and pin your sweetheart with these adorable Navajo beaded pins, pendants and earrings ($16 and up). Intricate beadwork spells out classic candy heart sweet nothings like "be mine" and "I love you" with pink, purple, red and white seed beads.

Sun Country Traders, 123 E. Water St., 982-0467.

Be My Valentine


Glittery ephemera shaped with pinking shears and fancy boxes ($4.50 and up), perfect for hiding small trinkets or engagement rings, make perfect valentine presents. The vintage cards and labels ($1.50-$15.95) are excellent replacements for those plain-Jane Hallmark cards with syrupy sayings. Fancy photo holders and frames ($7.50 and up) the color of hard candy will also delight everyone on your love list.

Poem, 125 E. Palace Ave., 820-7884.

Booby 911


Turn itty-bitties into big bazoongas with the help of Cleavage Cupcakes ($23). These silicon outplants tuck into your bra and look and feel so real that the only person who knows they're fake is the person undressing you as you're passed out from your evening of body shots (see "Liquor in the Front," above).

Bodhi Bazaar, 500 Montezuma Ave., Sanbusco Center, 982-3880.