1. NASA LOOKING FOR HELP NAMING NEW PLANET
    Here comes Planety McPlanetpants!
  2. VIRGIN GALACTIC SAYS 2018 IS THE YEAR FOR COMMERCIAL SPACE FLIGHT
    Hopefully in time for important people to defect from the planet before nuclear annihilation.
  3. JUDGE INDICTS SANTA FE MAN WHO ALLEGEDLY TRIED TO SET POLICE OFFICERS ON FIRE
    Luckily, the cops had their Segway scooters, making a quick and energy-efficient escape possible.
  4. STATE MVD DIRECTOR WILL DURAN RESIGNS
    They should make him wait four hours, interact with multiple surly state workers and thrust him into a baffling labyrinth of incompletable paperwork in order to get his final paycheck.
  5. FACEBOOK DOING SOMETHING OR OTHER IN LOS LUNAS
    Just think of all the impermanent jobs this will temporarily create!
  6. EXPERTS SAY A NEWLY FOUND BILLY THE KID PHOTO IS WORTH MILLIONS
    We have a bunch of old photos in the basement and we’re pretty sure they’ll save
    newspapers forever.
  7. PHIL GRIEGO TAKES THE STAND IN REAL ESTATE CORRUPTION TRIAL
    “In my defense, your honor, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get caught.”