1

TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DWI IN FLORIDA, CLAIMS IT WAS REACTION TO MEDS

We'd have thought he'd be a better driver;
or He should've stuck with club soda;
or That's rough;
or Hope he doesn't get put in the hole!

2

KOB-TV NEWSCAST DELAYED DURING ATTEMPTED BREAK-IN

Y'all can just stick to writing us angry letters and commenting online from behind fake names, thanks!

3

ANGELA MERKEL SAYS EU CAN'T RELY ON THE US ANYMORE UNDER TRUMP

Girl, tell us about it.

4

FORMER TEACHER ANNOUNCES MAYORAL RUN

She gained notoriety for locking a student in a chain-link enclosure. We, too, favor City Hall cage matches over boring meetings.

5

BOMB THREAT AT WALMART TURNS UP NOTHING

Other than those low, low prices.

6

STATE MAY GIVE MEOW WOLF $850K

This just in: Other things also exist!

7

Manuel NORIEGA DIES

Puppet regime-in' ain't easy when you're known as "Pineapple Face."