1

BEST SNOW STORM OF THE SEASON

And another Saturday where putting on pants seemed like too big of a chore.

2

SUGARY DRINK TAX VOTE IS OVER

Maybe we can all try to be a little less venomous now?

3

BARRACKS NEAR SFUAD BURN

It was still better than Ja Rule's Fyre Fest.

4

ELDORADO TEACHER TO APPEAR ON JEOPARDY!

We'll take "Slow News Days" for $500, Alex.

5

TRUMP NAMES MAY 1 "LOYALTY DAY"

What happy horseshit is this?!

6

MAY 4 STILL "HILARIOUSLY" KNOWN AS STAR WARS DAY

This is why nobody likes nerds.

7

FOLLOWING in DAD'S FOOTSTEPS, JEFF APODOCA ENTERS RACE FOR GUV

"Who?" asks confused populace.