1

NASA SAYS SATURN MOON MAY HAVE CONDITIONS FOR LIFE

That's great news, since apparently we are going to bomb this planet to smithereens.

2

LEGISLATORS TO SUE GOVERNOR OVER VETOES

On the count of three, let's all litigate!

3

CAPITAL CITY CAB CLOSES

A setback for our plan to become a sorta city-like city one day.

4

MAYOR, COUNCILORS WALK OUT RATHER THAN LISTEN TO CONSTITUENT RANT

Imagine how we feel during your speeches, guys.

5

SCHOOL DISTRICT PUTS NAVA AND EJ MARTINEZ ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK

Ask the Capshaw parents how well this protest is going to turn out.

6

SFUAD ANNOUNCES CLOSURE NEXT YEAR

The only silver lining is that we can stop trying to pronounce that acronym as a word.

7

GOV. MARTINEZ SOFTENS HER VETO OF MONEY FOR ALL OF THE STATE'S UNIVERSITIES

An actual quote from Tuesday's press conference: