1

GOVERNOR "COMPROMISES" ON TEACHER SICK DAYS, BRINGING THE TOTAL UP FROM FIVE TO SIX, AND SOFTENING TEST SCORE ELEMENT

"I cut your baby in half, but you can keep the half."

2

NEW LAW RESTRICTS PHYSICAL RESTRAINT, SECLUSION FOR PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS

If ever you were going to act out, the time is now, you little shits.

3

BRAWNY PAPER TOWEL LUMBERJACK REPLACED BY WOMAN FROM ESPAÑOLA

There—misogyny fixed forever. Thanks, Brawny!

4

RAILYARD BOWLING ALLEY STILL ISN'T GONNA OPEN, YA GOOBS

Stop. Expecting. This. Place. To. Open. It's. Not. Gonna. Happen. Jeeze!

5

ICE-T, BODY COUNT TO RELEASE NEW ALBUM

"Cop Be-er Nice-er" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

6

CRAYOLA REMOVES DANDELION COLOR FROM ITS CRAYON LINEUP

"Who cares?" sighs an exhausted nation.

7

BIG TOBACCO TO PAY NM $15 MILLION FOLLOWING SHORTCHANGE ALLEGATIONS

So that's where they'll get the money to pay for Pre-K.