1

MARTINEZ THREATENS TO CALL SPECIAL LEGISLATIVE SESSION...

So that lawmakers can block the death penalty rebound one more time before she leaves office.

2

...EVEN WITH THAT TORN ACL FROM HER UTAH SKIING ACCIDENT

We assume she'll only take five days to recover—y'know, just like she'd want teachers to do.

3

AND YOU CAN STILL TAKE A GUN INTO THE ROUNDHOUSE

Don't shoot!

4

CITY COUNCILORS WANT TO BRING BACK SPEEDVANS

Only this time with no bribery.

5

MINIMUM WAGE MAY HIT $8.25, THEN $9

Just kidding. The governor is gonna veto that too.

6

TRUMP TARGETS MEALS ON WHEELS FOR CUTS

The death of so many former MoW recipients probably will save money in the long run.

7

FORMER TEN THOUSAND WAVES EMPLOYEE SUES OVER CASE OF 'HOT TUB LUNG'

He was researching his forthcoming book 10,000 Waves to Die.